Hello all! I’m brand new to this forum as of today. I’m live in Maple Grove, MN. 22 years old. Here is my story. Bottom line… I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression, self-esteem, and trying to find my path. Nervous to do this…it’s heavy.
I’ve attempted suicide at age 13, 20, and 22. Earlier this year, in March I attempted suicide twice in one week by attempted overdose of over-the counter medications and cutting. Entered the psych ward for three days at the University of Minnesota hospital and went to a six week partial group therapy program immediately after the incident. I felt stuck… I wanted to die…and I still struggle to this day although it is months later. Feel like there are times where no matter what I do, how hard I work, or how much I reach out in my network for help… I feel like I don’t matter and my goals will never come true. I feel ignored and that my “break” will never come. Recently, I even applied and interviewed for a full-time position at First Avenue. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the job. Broke down crying when I found out. It would have been such a good break and provided some stability. 'm so angry and frustrated at myself. I’m hungry and willing to work my ass off. I don’t want to be relying on my parents for help all through my 20’s. I graduated from college in December 2017 and have been applying like hell since then. I work at a Hot Topic part time and intern at First Avenue downtown. My internship aligns with my passions. Music.
My dream is to go on tour, do PR, or management for my favorite bands. Couple of them are Motionless in White and New Years Day. Made some connections through out the past couple years… but I feel that not a whole lot of them are “there for me” when needed. I KNOW for a fact that it is a difficult and fast-paced industry, but I am up for the next challenge… it’s just that I feel that no one is willing to give me a chance. At times, I feel like I’m a burden or pestering people to follow up on applications or questions.
During the last Warped Tour, I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Chris at a Q+A session and felt so welcomed to be with other fans. Their music has done so much for me and I dove deep in the metal scene since then. Later, I visited the Heart Support tent and chatted a bit with the volunteers. I went alone to Warped but I never felt alone one BIT that day in Shakopee. I only remember smiling, headbanging, and crying happy tears (which felt refreshing). If I could relive it everyday, I would!
Pretty much the bulk of it… I feel stuck… worthless… and even have had dark thoughts again… I’m having a rough day. Help.
I’m so happy that you’ve joined us here on HeartSupport @kellymurray. It sounds like you’re having a pretty rough go at life right now. Just know that your life has worth and it has value to everyone here. These dark thoughts won’t last forever and you have to constantly remind yourself that life will get better. Please know that you are loved and you’re not in this battle alone. Feel free to message me at any time if you need someone to talk to. Everything’s gonna be alright.
Hey Kelly, first of all, thank you for coming by and sharing that story with us. I’m glad that you weren’t successful in your attempts, because it leaves you so much more time and life to complete your goals. I can say that when I was your age, my world had been rocked, and I was left wondering what to do with my life. I had no schooling, no career, and worked minimum wage jobs. Granted I still don’t know if what I’m doing is my calling in life, but the last 10 years have definitely allowed me to get some of my goals achieved. I encourage you to keep trying, and to DM if you ever need a friend to talk to. There are SO SO SO SO many great people in this community who will love you for you.
I’m glad you had fun at warped, and that you got introduced to HS. Welcome friend!
First off, I want to welcome you to HeartSupport! I hope you find a sense of safety and refuge within this amazing community.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough time and I completely understand. I work at a label in Nashville and I know how cut-throat the industry can be, especially since it’s operates on like 95% connections (i.e. “I know a guy who knows a guy”). If you’d like, I can try to do some digging here in Nashville for you, although I’m not too well-versed within the secular scene (I’m at Capitol Christian Music Group; the sister-label of the Capitol Tower in LA and imprint of Universal Music). Let me know!
I totally understand not wanting to live off your parents in any way. Im 20, live by myself due to a failed relationship, broke due to bills and poor choices during a long stretch of trying to cope with everything, and dont have the guts to tell my mom im broke. I make every possible excuse I can just so she doesnt worry, literally living off the free food I get at work and cereal. I aspire to be in music industry as well in any way that I can and im desperately trying to get everything in order to start doing just that. Actually saw Motionless at my Warped stop, never heard their stuff prior but came out a fan. They put on one helluva show! New Years Day is also a favorite of mine. Seriously love Ash"s voice and their sound entirely. Alone, Ready Aim Misfire, and Bloody Mary are my favorites.
I know life isnt going your way right now but if I can tell you anything you are ANYTHING but worthless! Just remember youre just doing your job when it comes to feeling like a burden. You have to do what you have to do to get everything done in time. Im sure not everyone appreciates that but I feel that comes with the industry regardless. I know you have the strength to overcome any challenge that is sent at you. One day you will find connections that are there for you, its just going to take a little bit of fight, and youve made it through this far so I know you have that! If you ever need any support at all then I will do what I can.
But someday you will stand above your demons You’re not beneath this
Thank you. Sorry it’s been a few months. Not much improvement to be honest. Better very late than never, but if you don’t mind taking some time out of your busy schedule to do some research, that’d be great!
I’m not sure how connected you are; however, my interest as of now include Roadrunner Records-Elektra Music Group. If you know anyone, great! If not, that’s ok. I’ll keep looking.
Welcome to the community! Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear things have been going rough. It’s really cool to read your goals to work in the music industry. It’s clear you have a lot of passion for it and I’m a firm believer that you can’t teach passion for something, it’s either there or it isn’t. Between your passion and work ethic I really feel like you find your niche.
Thank you. I still feel new; however, it is my second post/update. I don’t see myself pursuing anything else… really. I just can’t catch a break of any kind. And I’m still an intern.
It’s still really cool your interning as it puts you in the world your working towards. There’s a lot of folks that wouldn’t be doing that while holding down another job to pursue their dreams.
Thank you. At the same time I wish some people were more willing to help out and support. It’s partly why I turned to this community/board. There are days where I don’t want to talk to anyone… including family. I also need another job to make money in the mean time. Hope it works out someday… otherwise I’ll question why I continued.