My story summed up

Okay, this is my first time to ever talk about this and i feel embarrassed and weak. I’m 28 years old and I had a rough childhood. My father left when I was 10 not that he was was ever around before that. When he was around he was always yelling and screaming at my mother, my siblings and I. He would hit my mom, my was tough though and would hit him back. He would hit us, not just whip our asses. Slap us around, sometimes he would punch us. Both my parents were druggies, they were always up late with friends partying. There would always be someone in our bathroom that was so high they couldn’t walk and we would see that, that’s not something kids should have to see. My dad would always take me " fishing" with him but he would always pick up a female friend. We would always go to the same creek and he would always say “I’m going to catch you a lightning bug, fish love them” then he would
dissapear with that female friend. I was fishing alone and my line got snapped and I didnt have any hooks, so I to look for my dad and there they were just laying down in the woods naked. Weeks went by and I finally told my mother about it and then things got really bad. My .other finally left and we didnt see my dad for about 4 years. So, I have two older sisters and two younger brothers. My mother made my two younger brothers and I go stay with him during the summer when I was in jr high. The first week we were there he got so high and drunk that he was picking on my little brother and was smacking him in the face just talking crap saying that he hates all of us and so on… I finally had the courage and stood up to him, I yelled at him and jumped on his back hitting him but he was a big ass grown man so it didn’t really phase him much. He just slung me off and beat the shit out of me. Then he did what he always does and went to his room to get high. He stayed in there for 3 days straight until we seen him again. He didn’t have a phone so we couldn’t call anyone to come get us, so we were stuck. That’s just some of the worse stories I remember. When I was a senior in high school my grandmother came to stay with us, she was very sick and had to he on oxygen. I let her stay in my bedroom so she could be comfortable. We got to spend alot of time together and make good memories, we all got really close to her. She was there for about two weeks when I found her in my bed hunched over and cold as ice. I was just going to my room like any other morning to get my clothes for school. Not expecting to see that or find my grandmother like that. Her oxygen machine was giving her problems and she wasn’t able to get it back on in time. The worse thing about that is me running to my mother’s room to get he and tell her that her mother is dead. That to me broke my heart into a million pieces. That was the worse day of my life. Two years later my uncle came to live with us, he was a quadriplegic but could do alot by himself. He was also a drug abuser and alcoholic. I let him have my bedroom cause I had the second biggest in the house and I dont mind sleeping on couches. He was a very depressed and sad guy and had threatened to kill himself multiple times and one night
he finally did it. The next morning my moms dodg was barking and jumping on me and just being really weird so I got up and she ran off to my room. So I followed her and she squeezed through the crack in my door. I tried to open the door to go in and couldn’t, his wheelchair was blocking it. I was able to move the door enough to stick my head in and he was in the wheelchair with a rope around his neck. Both of the tragedies I dont think I ever got over. I’ve never been much too talk about anything really, I am one to bottle things up and let it build up then let it all out at once. I have always been angry and really hated life. With all this being said, I am an alcoholic, I think about ending my life all the time, I have never attempted it or hurt myself. I just feel so empty and I have so much self hatred. I feel like life is just so pointless. I have a wife and four kids and I love them so much ans I hate myself for feeling like this cause they do not deserve it. I lash out at them saying things I don’t mean and i cant stand that I do that. I try so hard to be different and change but I need help. Somebody please help…

Hey Jerose,

Wow. That’s a lot of things to take in and go through. I’m so sorry that you have had to battle so many traumatic experiences. How awful.

I know I don’t have all of the answers or all of the right words to say, but I wanted you to know that I took the time to read your story and I thank you for sharing something so deeply painful and private. I know that it takes a lot of strength and courage to talk and write about the things that hurt us. So kudos to you for stepping up and opening up about what you are going through.

I was telling another user that for a long time I had a hard time with seeing counseling but as I took the time to find the right one, it was something that was really healing for me. Maybe finding someone that would work for you could be a really good thing. So that you can work through each and every one of these hurtful situations. Deeply talking about each one and how it has impacted you and your relationships. It’s so important to have a chance to work through that process with someone so that you can over come all of the hurt it may be causing you.

I’m sorry about all of that, and the loss you had to experience. I hope that you are able to find the inner strength to rise above it and grow. To hopefully turn something so painful into strength, growth and wisdom. And maybe even one day help someone else who has shared similar experiences by relating and sharing your own story.

I am sending you so much love my friend. Take it one day at a time. The first step is recognizing where you are struggling. Which it’s obvious you have. The next thing is to take small steps in helping those things. Alcoholism is such a hard thing to struggle with, so hopefully you can find people to help you stay accountable in your goals that you want to achieve and help you stay away from it. Maybe some AA meetings? Or maybe even just a counselor can help you if you aren’t ready for that. A place where you can feel safe to be open and honest.

Being angry in life is a terrible way to live. And it can be very hard to come through. Please don’t go about it alone. There are so many resources out there that can help you. I want to see you feel better so that you can feel happy with yourself, with life and with your family. I’m sorry you feel so empty and are struggling. But please know that you are cared for. You are important and you are valued. No matter what you have been through, what you have experienced, what you have done…YOU matter. Learning to forgive those who hurt us is a process as is self forgiveness. And I hope that you will be able to find that for yourself.

One day at a time. Baby steps. Small goals. Hold fast my friend.

It’s okay to feel the way you feel. Know that. It’s okay to be angry about it, it’s okay to be sad about it, and it’s okay to not be over it. That’s heavy stuff. But, what you can do when you start to get upset is take a step back, and apologize, and really try to work on it. In the past I would say things I didn’t mean and instantly felt bad. I’ve tried to slow down and take a breath. I count down from 10 and then, most of the time, I feel less angry, stressed, or upset at whatever situation I am in. You got this. don’t doubt your ability to get through this. Look at all you’ve gotten through already. You’re eons ahead of where you think you are.