Ok… this is a very big step for me I just turned 18 and I have very bad anxiety, depression, and PTSD. it’s been going on for a very long time probably since 6th or 7th grade, I have always been depressed and anxious but my family always said I was dramatic or doing it for attention, mental health is never something I knew about . I remember the first time I wanted to die was in 7th grade. I went to school and was being bullied this person told me to go kill myself, that I had no purpose so I went home and slit my wrist because I had no purpose to keep living my parents didn’t love me and now I had kids telling me to kill myself. Anyways it just continued to get worse as time went on, then high school came my family always would tell me I’m a disappointment and could never amount to anything so I just learned to deal with my depression and anxiety by myself, and through out this whole time I was self harming and no one has noticed then my sophomore year of high school I was raped by a man and was told i was lying, that I asked for it, that I wanted it to happen to me, that it was my fault and from there out I had ptsd. my junior year came and I was being bullied to the point of wanting to die, I now self harm multiple times a day and people have seen and just let me continue, and they still say I’m worthless and a waste of space. I truly don’t know I am just a thing that is here and I just continue to cover my scars, I have been abused in every way you can think of. I didn’t ask for my life to be a mistake I didn’t ask to be born in the wrong time and wrong place, I just want to be a normal 18 year old girl. I don’t want to have to worry about if today I am going to get out of bed, am I going to have a ptsd episode today, I don’t want to think if I want to end my life today. I just want to be normal, as I write this I don’t know how to explain my feelings, I don’t know what to say I have tried to kill myself 3 times in the past year I don’t see a purpose. Everyday I go to school I am bullied called ugly, fat, worthless, a mistake maybe they are right maybe I don’t have a purpose, maybe it was my fault I was raped two times in the past year, maybe it was something I did, I sit here and look at all these beautiful girls and then look at myself and I just see a disappointment and a body full of scars. self harm is my escape from everything I constantly feel like I’m falling and never can seem to stop but when I self harm I just can see the world I can see light for a few minutes . What’s wrong with me ?
God loves you. You are not a mistake.
You are not a mistake. You will never be a mistake. You are an amazing girl. You are strong. You deserve everything, everything that’s better than your current situation now. Even if you want someone to talk, someone to comfort you, I will willingly be that person. It’s not like I can fully understand you but I know how it feels to be in those situations.
It’s very brave of you to share about your story. I hope you are proud of yourself for that. It requires some strengths to accept to be vulnerable in front of others. Just know that the Support Wall is a safe place, and it’s an honor to read you. So… Welcome!
Anxiety, depression, PTSD are very tough to handle all at once. How you feel makes sense. And I’m sorry you’ve been misunderstood by your family. It can be hard for our beloved ones to understand how it feels, what it really means to deal with such obstacles. It’s hard because you expect your parents to be supportive, loving, but with time you realize they are not perfect and they also struggle on their own. Unfortunately, it can be reflected on us through hurtful words or actions.
But on the other side, it can also be hard for us to make others understand the reality of our struggles. Sometimes we feel ashamed because we’re not okay and we don’t really know how to say it. Do your parents know about what happened to you? Do they know about self harm? Communication can be very difficult, uncomfortable when it’s about sharing deep struggles, traumas. Maybe it could be worth to try again? - sorry if it’s a bit off-topic, I just try to guess how it is, based on what you shared here.
Besides this, I want to remind you that nothing in what you shared is your fault.
You never asked to be bullied or to be raped. You didn’t do anything for that. No one wants to be assaulted, to experience something highly traumatic like this. I was assaulted too, a bit less than 10 years ago, and I’ve been dealing with this feeling of guilt repeatedly. It hurts to feel that way. And it’s hard to describe why. I questioned everything about myself. The choices I made, the things I said - or not -, the things I did - or not -, what led me to this situation. But the responsibility is not to be found in ourselves. Hold on to that, because it’s the only truth that remains: it was not your fault.
You are not guilty of what happened. The people who did this to you holds the responsibility of it. It is the result of their actions, choices. Not yours. It was not your fault when it happened and it’s still not.
My heart breaks knowing that you have to endure all of this. I feel for you. And I wish no one in this world would have to feel any of this.
But as much as I feel for you right now, I’m also incredibly grateful to you for being here. For being alive. For finding ways to push through, even if maybe it was more about surviving until now. This has to change though. You deserve to be supported, listened, loved. You deserve to see that there is more to live. That this life, this world has more to offer to you. Know that you are among friends here, and you can come anytime you need.
But also, right now, what resources can you identify in your life/surroundings? Have you ever considered therapy? Because something specific with traumas and PTSD is the importance of reframing the perspective you can have about it, so you can actually overcome this feeling of powerlessness in regards of your memories, triggers, feelings you are carrying with you. Telling your story is important, but it also has to be done in a safe place, and that’s why a therapist can be needed. Also because they could help you to have a better understanding of what you are experiencing. As you said: it’s hard to describe, to find the right words, it’s disturbing. I get that. You can feel very lost in regards of what you are experiencing right now. But I can assure you something: you are normal and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
But I understand that maybe it’s difficult to you right now to think about therapy, because you’re still young, there’s also this situation at school and maybe you don’t really have a choice in regards of doing therapy or not because of your family.
I’ll let this here, but know that there are hotlines to talk about what happened to you, to be supported and redirected to some helpful resources depending on your current situation:
Do not hesitate to use those. Anytime. It’s totally safe.
Also, I hope you don’t mind, but as you mentioned being raped two times last year, I want to ask: are you safe right now? Or are you in a situation/environment that can make it happen again? If yes, I highly encourage you to reach out as much as possible: to your parents or someone else in your family, your teachers or counselor at school, or the police. You have the right to talk about it, to ask for help and to be helped.
In regards of self-harm, but also depression and counseling, there are also some resources available on HeartSupport website, which could be worth to check on:
You don’t deserve this pain. Nor your body. It’s time to think about new strategies, friend. Healthier ones.
When things get really dark, when you feel like you’re spiraling, drowning, do not hesitate to call a crisis line as well:
- Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741
- Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255
- National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
Again, it’s totally safe and there’s no limit to use these resources.
You’ll get through this and brighter days are ahead. You matter, friend. Despite what others did or say to you. We’re willing to listen here, to support you as well. If you need to talk, don’t hesitate to reach out, whether it’s here or privately. Knowing and be reminded that you are not alone is important when life gets tough. You are loved.
Sending tons of love your way.