My Suicidal Thoughts Haunt Me

I just want to say I’m sorry that I’ve been making so many post on the support wall lately, but man I’ve been struggling. And this black cloud has been following me around, and man I just can’t get out of it.

My suicidal thoughts haunt me, constantly, but more so tonight. Tonight I found myself in a deep hole. And I tried to sit and think how I got myself here, and well I found the answers. And 99.9% of the statements started with I did… therefore blaming myself for all of these things.

With my dad being sick the last month, I’ve taken on a lot of weight, that honestly I wasn’t ready to carry. I had to let people back in my life, for the sake of my father, but that also means carrying their burdens as well as mine. And I’ll be honest my own burdens made it impossible to swim, but there’s on top of it is making me drown.

So where am I going with this, a post was made a couple nights ago with my final goodbyes. Following up I spoke with a couple of people from the heart support team that I love so much, and for a moment I was feeling better. But man my world is just slowly crashing around me, and I can’t take it.

I’m ready to just cancel my trip to Virginia, and stop the pain for good. I’ve been thinking with me feeling this way lately, maybe it’s God’s will for me to come home, and man if that’s the case please take me home now, cause I’m at my end, and I can’t fight anymore. I can’t swim, I can’t float, I’m drowning.

I’m so sorry for posting again, especially something that was similar to the post before. But man these feelings are real, and these feelings are raw.

Just know I love you guys!

Hold Fast, Cause I Can’t,

1 Like

Hi Monkey,

Earlier today, you responded to my very first post on the support wall in which I opened up about my struggles concerning addiction. Your words were truly inspiring, and helped me to realize the steps I need to take to finally begin recovering the right way. I felt God’s presence in your post, and heard his voice speaking to me through you. I’m truly beyond thankful for the blessing He’s placed in my life through you.

Your life has purpose and meaning, and God is already using your strengths to help, support, encourage and heal others, including myself. I would be continuing my downward spiral today had you not taken the time to respond to my post.

Please know that we love you too, and that your impact on this community is irreplaceable, just as the hole you would leave would be unfillable. Life is too precious to let slip away. God’s not finished with you yet, just as He’s not finished with me. I’m praying that you will stay strong in these difficult times.

From the bottom of my heart to yours, you are loved, and you are needed. Hold fast and stay strong. I’m here for you.

Sorry to hear your burden’s been that heavy. We’ll hold fast with you Monkey. You can message me any time.