I just want to say I’m sorry that I’ve been making so many post on the support wall lately, but man I’ve been struggling. And this black cloud has been following me around, and man I just can’t get out of it.
My suicidal thoughts haunt me, constantly, but more so tonight. Tonight I found myself in a deep hole. And I tried to sit and think how I got myself here, and well I found the answers. And 99.9% of the statements started with I did… therefore blaming myself for all of these things.
With my dad being sick the last month, I’ve taken on a lot of weight, that honestly I wasn’t ready to carry. I had to let people back in my life, for the sake of my father, but that also means carrying their burdens as well as mine. And I’ll be honest my own burdens made it impossible to swim, but there’s on top of it is making me drown.
So where am I going with this, a post was made a couple nights ago with my final goodbyes. Following up I spoke with a couple of people from the heart support team that I love so much, and for a moment I was feeling better. But man my world is just slowly crashing around me, and I can’t take it.
I’m ready to just cancel my trip to Virginia, and stop the pain for good. I’ve been thinking with me feeling this way lately, maybe it’s God’s will for me to come home, and man if that’s the case please take me home now, cause I’m at my end, and I can’t fight anymore. I can’t swim, I can’t float, I’m drowning.
I’m so sorry for posting again, especially something that was similar to the post before. But man these feelings are real, and these feelings are raw.
Just know I love you guys!
Hold Fast, Cause I Can’t,