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My suicide note


#1

So, I’ve been asked by someone I care about to post this here and have you guys help find the lies in this… I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts majorly and today I wrote this and… I’m asking for help to find the lies.


#2

You are so much stronger than you can ever think, and by posting this, you just proved that. We are all your family, and we wilol always be here for you, no matter what


#3

Please, don’t give up! This community won’t be the same without you. Keep fighting!


#4

Hey!
It’s a huge lie that people will forget about you!! No matter what it would break someone’s heart if you were gone, including ours. You are stronger than you think, and you can get better. Please dont give up!

Holly


#5

Oh dear @Kayla

Hi, my name is Hannah, I am one of the interns for heartsupport. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It is so incredibly brave of you to be this open and vulnerable.

I think that one of the most prevalent lies you’re telling yourself is that this community doesn’t need you or that we would easily forget about you. Let me tell you, that is a complete and utter lie. We love you so very much in the community and you are an integral part of the HS community. If you weren’t here we would be left with a huge gaping Kayla sized hole. There is no one who would be able to take your place or fill your shoes.

I am so very proud of you. The fact that you shared this with us shows how very strong you are. Keep fighting! We are all here for you, we want to fight for you and fight with you. You are so very loved and so worth it. Your life has so much value, never doubt that!

Hold Fast,
-Hannah


#6

Hey @Kayla

Hey its Morgan from twitch, I am an intern at HS. Thank you so much for sharing this, thank you for being a part of this community, and for being vulnerable with us here.

I like and completely agree with @always_seeking_4137. You are so needed in this community and are so loved for being apart of it.

It seriously takes a lot to share this and I want you to know you are very loved and take this very seriously because it means a lot. You are worth ever second as I type this. You are like rocky right now and I am the coach telling you that you are the champ! You got this! You may be beat up and tired but you are going to go in that ring and win this fight!

You are loved and worth it.

-Morgan


#7

Hey Kayla,

I love you so freaking much, and I tell you this often and I mean it always. You have become such a huge part of my story, my life and my recovery, and I know many can say the same. I’ve written that note before too, to those those same two people, with similar words. But I can easily say for all of us that we love you, and we are all glad you are a part of this community. Know that I’m always here for you and love you a lot!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey


#8

Kayla,

You wonderful, beautiful, incredible human. You are worth so much more than this, and even though it is hard for you to see it right now, some day you will look back on this and see your strength. I see it now. And so do we all. Please do not do this. I love you.

Matt


#9

@Kayla,

Thank you for being so vulnerable and transparent with sharing the inner most depths of your heart and mind.

Strength begins and is in reaching out for help, being present and around those who truly care about you, and getting professional help. You are beautiful and deserve to be here. You deserve to be known and know that you have so much to give. In the midst of how much weight you must be feeling of giving up, that is exactly what the enemy wants you to believe. You deserve to feel alive, full of life, and have so much to offer. Please keep fighting and please don’t give up. This community is here for you!

-L


#10

Please stay. I know it sounds like I’m lying but it gets better. Trust me. Don’t leave us. We love you.


#11

I believe I’ve found the lies. The note starts off true, but the lies get denser as you go down the page.

First paragraph: I expect this is all true.

Second paragraph: “It’s time I end this hurt for good.” This is neither truth nor lie. It’s your life, and therefore, I firmly believe it’s your choice what to do with it. Your call as to when enough is enough. But sometimes the pain itself lies to you, telling you that it’s worse and more hopeless than it is and hiding light away under its blanket of darkness. I’ve been weighing that last, most intimate choice for… Probably longer than you’ve been alive. I’ve come very close. But choosing to stop means closing the door on every other possibility. Every chance that things could get better. Every potential joy. Every other choice you might make. Personally, I’m not prepared to do that until I’m absolutely sure that every last bit of hope is lost.

Third paragraph: “I love you both…” My definition of love is when you care about someone so deeply that their needs, pain, and joy matter to you more than your own. Perhaps ironically, this makes it easier to love when you’re depressed; it’s easier to set others above yourself when you care less about yourself. Your ego becomes less of a barrier to love as it shrinks. On the other hand, suicide (no matter how it feels from the inside) is a selfish choice. Those of us who care about you want you in our lives and would find your death to be painful. It may feel like you’re a burden, but that’s your depression telling you that people must see you as you see yourself rather than the truth of what we see and feel. Suicide is an abandonment of love, choosing for the rest of time to put the need to end your pain above the good of those who care for you. It may not feel that way to you now, but we’re better off with you.

“I can’t keep bothering you with my crap.” Here is the first definitive lie. The entire purpose of this community is to create a place to share our crap. To help each other through it. To lighten the load because joy shared is doubled but sorrow shared is halved. I can’t speak for Casey and Dan, but you don’t create a place like this if you’re the kind of person who burns out from that. Speaking for myself, having people vent their troubles to me is one of the few things I have left that makes me feel useful, and feeling useful is the fundamental thing by which I measure my life’s worth. So… Keep “bothering” us with your crap. It’s what we’re all here for.

Fourth paragraph: “You’ll both be okay.” I can’t speak for them, but I’m pretty sure this is a lie. You don’t just get over losing someone close to you. Especially not to something avoidable. We’re prepared to lose people to old age. It’s inevitable, and there’s time to come to terms with it before it happens. But losing someone so young, with whom we expected to have so much more time, and over a choice where we’ll always wonder if we could have done something differently to change the outcome… Time will lessen the pain, but I don’t know that they’ll ever be “okay” with it. Hell, a friend of a friend’s ex killed himself a decade and a half ago. I barely knew him. But I still can’t listen to Evanescence without it hurting and making me think of him (and the pain I’m certain she still feels). Which also puts the lie to “everyone will forget about me.” You’re an integral part of this community and won’t soon be forgotten, especially if you leave this way.

Fifth paragraph: “We all know I’m never getting better, I’ll never get the things I truly want.” That’s a lie. The future holds infinite possibilities. You never truly know what’s to come. You can make educated guesses, but “never” is usually a lie. We’ll never get the dead back. That’s (probably) true. But you never getting better, never getting what you want? The only way to make certain of that is to die. Besides, we grow and change. Maybe you can’t get what you want now, but maybe your older self will find other things to want, other things that are satisfying. “Never” is a lie.

Sixth paragraph: “I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger.” You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you’ve got people to lean on to help make you stronger still. If you’re not afraid to accept that help. Trust us to know what we can and should offer. “I couldn’t make you proud.” Again, I can’t speak for Casey and Dan, but I’m betting that’s a damned lie. Seems to me you’re someone to be proud of, and I know you don’t earn a position of trust without that.

If you want to talk more, I’m here. Or Discord. I’ll listen, and it won’t burden me to do so.

I won’t question your right to make a choice for yourself, but I hope you hang in there. We’re better off with you, and losing you would be a tragedy.