I believe I’ve found the lies. The note starts off true, but the lies get denser as you go down the page.
First paragraph: I expect this is all true.
Second paragraph: “It’s time I end this hurt for good.” This is neither truth nor lie. It’s your life, and therefore, I firmly believe it’s your choice what to do with it. Your call as to when enough is enough. But sometimes the pain itself lies to you, telling you that it’s worse and more hopeless than it is and hiding light away under its blanket of darkness. I’ve been weighing that last, most intimate choice for… Probably longer than you’ve been alive. I’ve come very close. But choosing to stop means closing the door on every other possibility. Every chance that things could get better. Every potential joy. Every other choice you might make. Personally, I’m not prepared to do that until I’m absolutely sure that every last bit of hope is lost.
Third paragraph: “I love you both…” My definition of love is when you care about someone so deeply that their needs, pain, and joy matter to you more than your own. Perhaps ironically, this makes it easier to love when you’re depressed; it’s easier to set others above yourself when you care less about yourself. Your ego becomes less of a barrier to love as it shrinks. On the other hand, suicide (no matter how it feels from the inside) is a selfish choice. Those of us who care about you want you in our lives and would find your death to be painful. It may feel like you’re a burden, but that’s your depression telling you that people must see you as you see yourself rather than the truth of what we see and feel. Suicide is an abandonment of love, choosing for the rest of time to put the need to end your pain above the good of those who care for you. It may not feel that way to you now, but we’re better off with you.
“I can’t keep bothering you with my crap.” Here is the first definitive lie. The entire purpose of this community is to create a place to share our crap. To help each other through it. To lighten the load because joy shared is doubled but sorrow shared is halved. I can’t speak for Casey and Dan, but you don’t create a place like this if you’re the kind of person who burns out from that. Speaking for myself, having people vent their troubles to me is one of the few things I have left that makes me feel useful, and feeling useful is the fundamental thing by which I measure my life’s worth. So… Keep “bothering” us with your crap. It’s what we’re all here for.
Fourth paragraph: “You’ll both be okay.” I can’t speak for them, but I’m pretty sure this is a lie. You don’t just get over losing someone close to you. Especially not to something avoidable. We’re prepared to lose people to old age. It’s inevitable, and there’s time to come to terms with it before it happens. But losing someone so young, with whom we expected to have so much more time, and over a choice where we’ll always wonder if we could have done something differently to change the outcome… Time will lessen the pain, but I don’t know that they’ll ever be “okay” with it. Hell, a friend of a friend’s ex killed himself a decade and a half ago. I barely knew him. But I still can’t listen to Evanescence without it hurting and making me think of him (and the pain I’m certain she still feels). Which also puts the lie to “everyone will forget about me.” You’re an integral part of this community and won’t soon be forgotten, especially if you leave this way.
Fifth paragraph: “We all know I’m never getting better, I’ll never get the things I truly want.” That’s a lie. The future holds infinite possibilities. You never truly know what’s to come. You can make educated guesses, but “never” is usually a lie. We’ll never get the dead back. That’s (probably) true. But you never getting better, never getting what you want? The only way to make certain of that is to die. Besides, we grow and change. Maybe you can’t get what you want now, but maybe your older self will find other things to want, other things that are satisfying. “Never” is a lie.
Sixth paragraph: “I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger.” You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you’ve got people to lean on to help make you stronger still. If you’re not afraid to accept that help. Trust us to know what we can and should offer. “I couldn’t make you proud.” Again, I can’t speak for Casey and Dan, but I’m betting that’s a damned lie. Seems to me you’re someone to be proud of, and I know you don’t earn a position of trust without that.
If you want to talk more, I’m here. Or Discord. I’ll listen, and it won’t burden me to do so.
I won’t question your right to make a choice for yourself, but I hope you hang in there. We’re better off with you, and losing you would be a tragedy.
