It’s been awhile since you posted.
How are you doing?
Hey, sorry for the long break between posts, today is the first day I’m sober enough to post anything since the previous post.
As you might have guessed with that intro, things are (as always) shit for me. Same problems as before, nothing has changed. My dog and alcohol are the only things still keeping me alive, I feel.
Huh, I sure don’t have much to write about this time, I’m really slipping away, huh.
Thanks for checking in on me
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing. I’m glad you have your dog for some comfort, and today’s bit of sobriety. I’m encouraging you to take the moment and reach out for help. It sounds like right now you need more care than you can give yourself. I don’t know what form of help there is near you, and it would take some effort in your part to find it. What about AA or a local support group?Churches sometimes have support meetings. The Crisis hotline number is 1 800 273 8255 if you need it… Slipping away’s not good. Please don’t.
I’ll check back again.
Checking back…
How’s it going?
Nothing has changed to be honest.
I don’t know if this would be good for you or not, but I’ve recently read Kyle Carpenter’s story. He received the Congressional Medal of Honor. You can find his story on the Veterans Project website.
Sometimes reading other’s stories can be encouraging, sometimes not so much…
Take care of you as best you can~
Hi guys, sorry for the lack of updates. Lots of things have changed and yet everything’s the same.
First of all, I have a boyfriend now again. I guess that’s cool. But after everything I just have a little paranoia that he’ll leave me, like the last one did. And nothing he says can change it for some reason. Thus I feel like an asshole and a shitty boyfriend for not trusting him. Then again, in general I don’t think I’m worth him and I don’t know what he sees in me.
Moreover, my paranoia extends to the loving things he does/says. I still have it ingrained in me that no one loves and no one ever will, so I just go around thinking that he’s using me for some goal. I know it sounds ridiculous and not at all possible but still, I cannot get that thought out of my mind.
Following that, I have started to take care of myself. To be the best version of myself for my boyfriend, you know? Yet, even if I eat regularly and more healthily and I’ve stopped drinking, I feel the same as before. I know that the effects aren’t immediate but after a week and a bit you would think there would be at least some changes.
But no, still empty inside. And this time, I’m not only hurting myself but my boyfriend too. I did say that it was a bad idea, dating again so soon.
Well, that’s it for today. See you in a week, hopefully
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Thanks for the update. Good to know that you’re not drinking right now and that you’re taking better care of yourself. A week isn’t that long in the scheme of things, but it’s something to be proud of, esp since you were having a difficult time getting sober. You’re worth good self-care whether you’re in a relationship or not. You’re worth good self-care! Take care!
Hey guys, I know it’s a bit quick for an update but it’s definitely getting worse. I just took lots of anti depressants and drank lots of hard liquor. And usually I would be in a state of pure mellow and would fall asleep hoping that it will all end soon.
But this time is different, I don’t feel any different, I’m just laying on the bathroom floor doing nothing, feeling nothing. So my only way of escapism just stopped working and I don’t know what to do. And this time, I do feel like an abhorrent piece of shit for not thinking about my s/o too. I acted in a selfish manner again. I felt bad so I did what I always do, without thinking about anyone else. I don’t even know why am I fighting this, I guess it’s out of frustration
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Hey guys,
I doubt anyone reads these anymore but it’s my way of venting.
Still doing poorly as always. Still have no self-worth and all that, the classic.
But I wanted to talk about my paranoia and trust issues now that I have with my boyfriend. I don’t know if I’m justified with them knowing my past or am I just acting like an asshole. I just, idk, can’t get this idea out of my mind. Whenever he’s not with me, he could be cheating on me or something. And I really do feel awful that I can’t trust him. The worst part is probably that I can’t really talk about it with him. Because how? How do I say “Hey, I think that you’re cheating with me whenever you’re not with me” without sounding like a major psycho? I just can’t, and that’s why I’m here.
Although we did kind of talk about it earlier and he did say that he will never leave me. But what difference does it make? My ex also said that and you know what happened to that
Alright that’s it for me guys see you next time I’ll be capable of writing
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Hey there! I’m sorry to hear that things have been so hard for you lately.
Can I ask about your escapism? I know that sometimes it feels good to numb the hurt and thoughts, but maybe we can work to think of healthier coping mechanisms so you’re not shutting yourself down.
From experience alcohol sometimes worsens the depression feelings.
It can be a trial and error to find what works best for you, but it could be worth it if it helps guide you away from the urge to self medicate.
I hear you about having trust issues. It’s hard to feel like you have the full knowledge of what is happening when you’re not around. Communication is great and it’s so good you got to mention it. Perhaps you can try write down some of the thoughts you’re struggling with and talk through it with them?
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Hey,
Sure we can talk about my escapism, although it isn’t anything interesting or unique. And alcohol does the same effect on me, it deepens the sadness. But that’s why I started to use anti depressants too. After both of those I usually feel perfectly mellow. I say “usually” because lately they have stopped having any effect on me, even after taking a higher quantity. So you could say that I don’t have any means of escapism anymore.
And I’m not sure if I can talk about it with him. As I said, I don’t think going “Hey, I can’t and probably never will trust you 100% because of a past trauma that you had no part in and nothing you can say or do will change my mind” is a good idea for a relationship. I still think that I don’t deserve him so I don’t want to worsen it. Plus when I joked about suicide he really saddened and got worried. He even made me promise that I’ll never try it again, a promise that I broke two days after that because I’m such a good boyfriend.
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The mix of using antidepressants and alcohol probably isn’t the healthiest and I would strongly suggest you have a chat with your gp about it. It’s a slippery slope unfortunately going down that path. Not an easy one to climb back out from either.
I understand what you mean, it feels like you’re accusing them of something that you logically know isn’t real.
Perhaps you can open the conversation to more of “soemtimes I feel like I can’t fully trust people and I’m worried about how it will affect our relationship”. Maybe he has some perspectives about that
I know they’re not healthy, that’s why I’m doing it. Either I feel mellow for a few hours or I finally OD, whichever happens, it’s a win win situation “. But now I get to feel like a total asshole tor leaving my boyfriend afterwards. So yay?
And yeah I talked about it with him, and he reassured me that everything’s alright but what difference does it make? My ex also told me that and it changed nothing, and again I feel like a total asshole for not being grateful that I have him and acting like a pos
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Hey guys, I guess that this is a quick update. 6th week since I started on here, It really gives me some perspective on how shit it’s going.
The real reason for this update is that my exams are over. And I thought it would change something, just a bit at least. You know, finally’s school’s done, I’m an adult now and I can breathe a sigh of relief. But no, nothing has changed, just as miserable as ever. And honestly, with how nothing seems to work, I don’t think there’s any way out of this. I mean, I can think of one but I’m way too much of a pussy to do it. But it does look more attractive and reasonable the more I think about it. I just…don’t know what to do. I’m tired of everything, of life. I don’t want to live but don’t want to kill myself neither so I’m in just in a Limbo, not doing either. So idk, I definitely lost the last shred of hope that was left
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I know that no one will read this but oh well.
This week I got into uni. Should be celebrating and all that, but I’m not in the mood for celebrating. Seriously tried to kill myself once more but my now gf convinced me otherwise and idk if I should thank or hate her for it. Yeah sure, I like spending time with her but I wonder if all the pain and suffering is worth it. I think that without her I’d be long dead and that idea does sound very good rn. I hate myself for thinking it but some part of me wants her to dump me so I can end it all and be at peace. Maybe getting into a relationship again wasn’t a good idea after all. I’m only hurting her as well as myself. Fuck, I really hate myself.
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I am sure that your gf loves you, and you are not just a burden to them. I have someone very close to me, closer than anyone else actually, that has depression and suicidal thoughts, and harms herself frequently. She has horrendous mental breakdowns. Sometimes, I cannot do anything to comfort her. I know that if it was not for me, she would probably have commited suicide by now. But I care for her so much that I try my very best to stick with her no matter what. And there is no part of me that wants to abandon her. Not a single bit of me. I’m pretty sure your gf would feel in a similar way about you.
Keep Holding On 
- Pengyou
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