I just thought id share what i’d been writing to myself in my notes. I don’t know why, just need to tell somebody I guess.
ALL OF THESE ARE DIRECTED AT ME. THEYRE ME SAYING STUFF TO MYSELF. THE “YOUR” IS FOR ME !!! I AM NOT TELLING ANYBODY TO DO THIS OTHER THAN MYSELF.
these are also things that i want to do but don’t have the guts to do. i haven’t done them.
n and m = time of day. morning and night.
journal
6-9 mn - cut open your arms and bleed. make marks all over body. leave scars to remind yourself just how much you’re hated by everyone including you.
10/11 mn - cut into your face and make scars to remind yourself that you’ll always be ugly and disgusting no matter what you do. you’ll always hate yourself so what does it matter?
12n stick your head in freezing cold water til your brain forces you to come up for air. i want to drown even though i have a fear of it. i’m getting desperate.
12n punch the walls until i break my hands and bleed and suffer. bruises are cool now, aren’t they? mine are just full of hate though so i don’t think you can romanticize even those.
13n I want vodka… i’ve wanted it for weeks. i hate alcohol so much but i just want to ruin myself. i want to forget. i want to black out and not wake up for days from it. fuck.
13m grab knife and cut open your arms open. do it. do it and get it over with you fucking pussy. nobody will miss you anyways. you’re just a stupid fucking annoyance and burden to everyone around you. die you worthless fuck.