My thoughts lately

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I don’t even want to tell anyone this. I don’t want to worry anyone either. To be honest I don’t know why I’m posting this, maybe theres a bit of hope in me. My thoughts have been heavy with how much I don’t feel any worth or purpose. I’m not who I want to be or who I need to be. There’s so much self doubt in me and the weights that come along with this world. How much we as beings destroy and hurt. Knowing how often we kill each other and divide ourselves. All the hate that we create, as a firm believer in the power of love it’s gotten hard to take in. I know it’s probably silly to feel guilt for something that i have no control over. I feel like I’m hyper aware of everything thats wrong. I want to make a difference though. I just feel like I’ve been stripped of any motivation i had. I’m giving up on myself and everything around me. Suicide has been very heavily on my mind. I had a dream oddly enough, about how I’d do it. I won’t go into detail because obviously it’s not a nice subject. But recently it’s becoming more and more of a daily thought. In all honesty the only reason I haven’t is because i fear whats after death. Especially because I don’t even know if i still believe in God or not, something i also hate to admit.

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I wanna talk about one more thing i talked to a counselor at school and he told me something i haven’t realized. Kinda broke my heart to hear but it’s true. I hide all of this from everyone. I hide behind a mask because on the outside I’m very bubbley and happy. He also said that is who I truly am. I just choose to hide my depression behind it. The idea of me being bubbley isn’t something I’d believe but that’s because I’m aware of what’s going on with me. In reality though it makes sense. I’m optimistic with everyone but myself. I see hope in everyone and everything but myself.

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By what you’re posting it seems you care a lot about things going on. I am sort of like this until some trauma happened to me. Anyways, it seems you said a whole lot about other people and such yet the real issue is

This is your issue. I am not going to tell you to not worry about other people because I’ve got a friend (that is essentially like a sister to me that is like this). Focus on yourself more. It seems you’re afraid to share your “problems” with others and be honest whether it being (like me) you’re afraid what others may think about you or because (Like my friend) you don’t want to burden others with your problems since they most likely have problems of their own.

Have more faith in others and in yourself. You basically found the issue. Work on it. Be more honest with yourself and others. I know you hesitate because being honest is somewhat opening yourself up and it increases the risk of being hurt.

Yet if you be more honest and real then you won’t be running from your issues and be facing them head-on. This will develop a more healthy habit. One that will give you a better option of strength that might make things better for you.

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I say that you being able to post this alone in a step in a good direction. My belief is YES there is hope in you and YES you may be hiding behind a mask and that is ok to not feel comfortable to step out of your comfort zone and tell us but also you are not alone There are many people out here who are “hiding behind a mask” and most people still don’t realize it. Most people don’t ask for help when they need it because they don’t realize they need it. I am proud of you.