It’s surreal. In a horrifying way. Everything that’s happened feels so unreal, and I hate it. I always find myself desiring the peace and stability I had before. Always desiring a way out of this mess. But I know that’s not going to happen. I know now how this is how it will be for as long as I live. And that hurts so fucking much. To know that this wound will never heal, that I’ll suffer like this forever. I still have the things I like do, and I still have things I want to do. That I wish I could do. But I can’t this, and those desires don’t help. I want to die, to disconnect from this world, but I can’t with these desires. And it’s not like those desires ease the pain. All they do is bind me to this pain. I want to rid myself of all connections to this world, to get rid of things that will hold me back. Things that will keep me trapped in this sick, twisted, nightmare. But that’s impossible. I’m trapped. Bound to suffer. And that’s such a horrifying idea. The only peace I have is hoping that I will be able to leave this world soon, but slowly and slowly it feels like that’s being taken from me. Any hope or light. Gone. There’s no hope for living or dying. I just wanna give up. Someone tell me how to end it quickly. If it’s quick and painless it might work. Please.
Hey friend,
I’ve read your other post about your suicidal thoughts. Just like I see you sharing so much love and encouragement on the forum. I’m aware of how it feels sometimes to be both of those persons at the same time. On one side, being very hopeful for others, genuinely caring and trying to be encouraging. On the other side, feeling hopeless when it’s about yourself and struggling with what feels like an unbearable pain. I want to thank you for the love you’ve been sharing here. But I also want to say that it’s absolutely okay to focus on yourself if the things you are feeling are very deep, especially if you’ve been considering death as an option. My point here is just to say that sometimes we can underestimate the impact that hearing about others struggles can have on our own emotions, so it’s okay to focus on things that are good and simple when you need it.
Everything that’s happened feels so unreal, and I hate it. I always find myself desiring the peace and stability I had before. Always desiring a way out of this mess.
You mentioned already the fact that bad things are happening to you and are making you feel hopeless. May I ask what this is about? What’s going on in your life or what happened that is making you feel that way? No pressure to respond though. I’d understand if you don’t want to. It sounds that you’ve been in pain for a long time now, and I’d like to know what is your story, friend. We’re here to listen and to support you the best we can.
I know now how this is how it will be for as long as I live. And that hurts so fucking much. To know that this wound will never heal, that I’ll suffer like this forever.
I’m so sorry it hurts so much. I hear you. There are times when I feel like the only thing I’m able to experience is a deep, sudden and acute pain. When it happens, I feel devastated. It makes me want to tear my heart out and just scream again and again. Just like you, the intensity of those feelings makes me believe that it will always be like this, because it’s too deep. And I believe that… until the storm goes away and I feel more calm again. Until some peace can be found, even if it’s oftene mixed with a strong tiredness as well.
I still have the things I like do, and I still have things I want to do. That I wish I could do. But I can’t this, and those desires don’t help. I want to die, to disconnect from this world, but I can’t with these desires. And it’s not like those desires ease the pain. All they do is bind me to this pain. I want to rid myself of all connections to this world, to get rid of things that will hold me back. Things that will keep me trapped in this sick, twisted, nightmare. But that’s impossible. I’m trapped. Bound to suffer. And that’s such a horrifying idea.
It really hurts when you can’t help but holding on to hope, to the things you want to do, explore, and experience. It feels like you’re stuck between two worlds. On one side, life is calling you and you understand her voice, you hear it and you want to embrace it. On the other side, there’s this pain that make you believe that it will always be there. You, in the middle, you wish you could be on one side, but at the same time you’re frustrated at yourself for having hope. It feels like being half-alive, and half-disappearing.
Despite those feelings, and you know that deep inside, you are not stuck, you are not trapped, you are not doomed to feel those things endlessly. We, as human beings, are able to endure. And Love, kindness, compassion, hope endures, even through the hardest seasons of our lives.
I hear your voice, your heart. I hear that you’ve been carrying a heavy burden on your shoulders for a long time. I see you loving others, and a part of me can’t help thinking that it’s probably as much intense as the pain you’ve been feeling. So I would love to learn to know you, if you’d like to allow yourself to share a little more of what’s going on for you. You are not alone. And you don’t have to deal with this burden by yourself. I want to see the love you’ve been giving here to be reciprocated at you.
Well, to keep it short, in 5th grade my father tried to kill my family and me, had suicidal thoughts since then, and then the summer going into 7th grade, I came out as transgender and was rejected. I tried to kill myself three times before I confessed to a friend and went to inpatient (which happened twice), and during the therapy sessions there, my mom was emotionally and mentally abusive, even going as far as to say she didn’t love me and that everyone who ever supported me was pretending to care. I lost all hope after that. She continues to be emotionally abusive. I can’t do anything about it, I don’t know who to go to for help with that. Plus, with how she’s gotten away with what she’s done before, she’ll get away with it again. I won’t be able to escape this mess, and even if I were to move out, that wouldn’t change the fact that my mother told me I wasn’t loved. I wouldn’t change the fact that my father tried to kill me. It wouldn’t change all this pain. I just want to die, but with lockdown, I never get the time alone to do it. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I want to die, to feel nothing. To rid myself of this pain.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this. And thank you, really, for your trust here. The things you’ve been through are objectively heavy, traumatic, life changing. I understand that it’s hard to be in this position of looking at your own life and thinking that it’s all about dark and painful events that impacted you deeply.
I can’t relate to all the things you shared, but my hearts resonates deeply what you said about your family. My mom happened/happens to be very abusive, both physically and emotionally. Growing in this kind of environment shaped me in a way that I’m strill trying to deconstruct, piece by piece. I hear you when you explain that your mom repeated you that you’re not loved, when you say that you attempted to your life, when you say that a parent tried to attempt to your life. Those are things I understand in my core. And I wish, with all my heart, that you didn’t have to go through this. Parents are not perfect, but they shouldn’t be a threat to the individuals they give life to.
The thing you’ve been through are violent and unfair. And the things you’ve been told are not true. When your mom tells you that you are not loved, it’s to hurt, but it’s also not the reflection of your heart. When she says that, she actually shows how much she doesn’t understand what love is. Though I know we are supposed to be loved unconditionally by our parents, I want you to know that whether your mom or your dad love your or not, it doesn’t define your right to be loved. You are worthy of love and care. But you are not shown that in practial ways right now, so it’s hard to believe it. And I know I’m in easy position right now, almost on the “other side” of it, telling you that what you are going through is not how life can be summarized. There is more to see, to feel, to live than those experiences and relationships.
that wouldn’t change the fact that my mother told me I wasn’t loved. I wouldn’t change the fact that my father tried to kill me. It wouldn’t change all this pain.
Indeed, those first two things won’t change. Because those are things that happened to you. It’s facts, now very vivid memories that you won’t be able to change. And as you said it, no it won’t be like this “before” you’re looking after. But it is through this difficult grief that you will learn to slowly let go of what was, to finally create your own narrative.
The pain you are feeling right now because of this situation is not made to be the same endlessly. Even if it’s hard to believe it right now. That pain is not showing the direction of your life. It is through that kind of pain that we build resilience, and resilience is something you’ve known already, because you are here right now. Breathing, alive, existing. You’ve been through those moments. You survived, wounded. Yet you are not wasted because others failed you and hurt you with their words and actions. You are still creating your story, and there will be a time when you will be more free to decide for yourself, especially when you will be out of this environment.
and during the therapy sessions there, my mom was emotionally and mentally abusive, even going as far as to say she didn’t love me and that everyone who ever supported me was pretending to care. I lost all hope after that.
What was the reaction of your therapist? Did they say anything about this?
I can’t do anything about it, I don’t know who to go to for help with that.
With trying to have an objective view of your context here, what could be the possibilities? For example, is seeking therapy again something that you could access to? Have you ever looked after services in your area that might be helpful? (or even at school). Not necessarily only psychological support, but it can also be a community, a church eventually, a non profit organization. But a place where you could seek some extra support. I know it might be a little tricky with covid, but this epidemic doesn’t mean that everything is cancelled - especially not hope and the possibility to look after the right services.
I know it can be also scary, but regarding mental abuse, you can reach out to this line:
https://www.childhelp.org/resources-kids/
There’s an online chat that you can use - it’s anonymous. It’s made to talk about those things, share what’s on your heart and about your situation. And I want you to know that it is safe to talk about it. It’s actually important to do it. 
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