Its been awhile since I’ve posted here. This time, I just want to write down my thoughts. Im sitting here at home listening to August burns red and trying to word exactly what I wanna say. I have a lot weighing on me so bare with me if I go off the rails though this whole thing lol. This is a long one sorry
Im someone who struggles with anxiety, depression and social problems in general, for the last week and a half I’ve been reading a good chunk of the new post everyday, even at school lol and it hurts to see. As someone who hurts, it hurts me more to see that they are hurting. I am just so sorry that the world is hurting and im doing nothing to stop it.
So what is my goal of this post? Anyone who reads this, I want them to know I love them, that there is hope. 2 years ago, I was on my way to kill myself, obviously I didn’t. Why? Well, God happened. What do I mean by that well, ill tell you about myself a bit. So, as a kid, my dad and I have always had interest in trains. Model trains, taking pictures of trains and stuff of that sort. So my plan, and this is why its ironic, was to allow a freight train to smash into my car with me in it of course. Chances are I would of been killed. That was my plan. So that Sunday in October 2018, I went to church, which at this point i was missing multiple weeks of church, and all was normal. I get an invite to go to one of my close friends house to watch football, I decline and go home. As dumb as this is, watching the Miami Dolpjins lose to the patriots again was the straw that broke me. So I leave my house and I drive to when I was going to have this train hit me, hopefully ending me. As I get on the interstate, God reminded me that. The friend that invited me to watch football happened to live on the way I was going. Safe to say I ended up at his house. If I didn’t go to church that day, I would be dead right now. I will never forget the feeling of the next few days after talking to my 2 closest friends and my friends dad about what I went though. For the first time in a long time, I felt free of my depression. While my depression has come back, it hasn’t been the same in a good way.
I share that, and hopefully this translate, there IS hope. I had no hope, even as a Christian. But God never gave up on me and saved me at my darkest. God never designed us to be alone. I am blessed to have some close friends that I can call at 3 am if I have too. I know not everyone has that. At 30 years old, I understand that life is hard, I understand that I can do this alone. If you can’t stand then I want to be someone to help you up.
I want to help people, i just haven’t been able to figure out how or where yet. I hope whoever, if anyone reads this it helps. We are to love others as yourself, but I want to love people more than myself. So thank you for your time lol. I Love you, for you not your mistakes!
"All around are thieves, oppression their regime
Look past your reflection in another’s direction
You have all you need from your imperfections
You’re the silent minority, the compliant authority
Anyone can rip others apart, so reassemble the broken parts
Walking through fire
You have a friend
Stuck in a nightmare
There’s a light to make it end
Face tomorrow, face tomorrow
And settle your yesterdays
Your future, your future is too bright to burn out
Forget the things they want you to believe
Forget the things they want you to become
On your back are the injured
They’ll never determine your outcome"
“Paramount” from August Burns Red