My whole story - this is a long one

I’ve dropped bits and pieces of my past in multiple conversations here on the Support Wall and HeartSupport live streams. Whether it’s been about depression, anxiety, disability… figured it’s time to put the puzzle together. This is going to be a long story (would be even longer, since I’m a blabber writer, but I’ll try to keep it readable length), so for anyone who reads it: I hope you get something out of it, if nothing else, know that you’re stronger than you ever thought would be possible. non-native in english, I’m sorry for any typos or errors


I dealt with a lot of bullying through out my childhood for various reasons. Pre-school because of my teeth (something wrong with the enamel, my baby teeth were black), from 3rd grade onwards because of my weight, from 5th grade forward because of my metalhead/goth/emo style. It didn’t sit well in my small, christian hometown, and I got several not so flattering names being thrown at me daily. Mostly from other kids.

So, by the time I was on 7th grade, 14 years old, I was lowkey suicidal, always late to school cause I didn’t wanna go at all, hanging out with toxic friends cause they were all I had. I wanted to stop the bullying, and since most of it was because of my clothes, I “normalized” my style. That obviously did fuck all - I just got more shit about my weight, and suddenly my laugh and my interest in theater and art were problems too. What it did, however, was rip out the last piece of self-esteem I possibly had left. Until then I was at least able to look in a mirror and think “I don’t care, I think my clothes are rad”. That was gone, and from then on I saw 0 reason why anyone would like me or want me around, and peple telling me they didn’t did the trick.

Cue stomachaches. Every school morning, so bad I was unable to walk. For the next year I saw dozen of doctors, while being practically bedbound in pain 5 days a week, everyone just as lost as the last one as of why I was in so much pain when there was nothing wrong with me. One by one they gave up. After a year, they told us it might be psychosomatic.

Psychiatrist meeting, some bullshit diagnose (I don’t think I was even told what it was until years later) because 15 y/o me was terrified of going to a psych ward for 2 weeks so “refusing treatment”, was given beta blockers and told “the only thing you can do is go to school no matter how much it hurts, even if you just lay on the floor at the back of the class, you need to be present.” Dad takes time off of work for the half a year I had left to drive me to school every morning - 1/4 of a mile. Cause I couldn’t walk that far.

Finish school. Apply to a next one, cause the basic education doesn’t really get you a job. That summer a close friend, one of the maybe 3 non-toxic ones I had, dies in a traffic accident. Had I believed in heaven or had any promise that I would see him again after death, I would’ve gone after him in a blink of an eye. If I wasn’t broken by then, I sure as hell was after that. Autumn rolls around, I dropped out of highschool in 2 weeks, jumped on 10th grade, dropped out in a week.

That winter my godfather and his girlfriend took me to a vacation at Canary Islands. What was supposed to be the best 2 weeks of my life turned into him complaining to me about not drinking enough water, threatening to take me to a hospital for IV, and when I reacted to it with the same psychosomatic stomachaches he had seen me suffer from for years, I was suddenly childish and just pretending and out to ruin his trip. Spent 10 days literally bedbound in a hotel room on the other side of the world from my family, with someone I had trusted now verbally abusing me and also allowing me no privacy - he refused to leave me in the hotel alone and even my bedroom door wasn’t allowed to be closed. Texting my mum day and night, both of us counting the days and then hours until I’d be back home. My mum took sick leave from work cause she was worried sick and not sure I’d make it back home. Neither was I. Needless to say, the airport we landed on when we got back is the last I’ve seen of my godfather. Those of you who use Twitch - know the Hydration Bot? Triggers the living shit out of me to this day.

Next couple years: Refusing a vocational school spot cause I realized my old school bullies were still there. 10th grade again, and with the greatest, most flexible teachers in the universe and my parents bending backwards to help me, I got through that one! Still, wont get me a job. Next year, another vocational school, complete burnout in 2 months. Somewhere during that time the psychiatrist who gave me the beta blockers said I didn’t need to meet him anymore - I had only been seeing him once a year anyway, mostly just because it was required by law for him to meet me once a year to keep the medication going. He knew everything that went down in the past years and did nothing.

That winter, I was 19 years old, unable to go to school, or leave the house much for that matter, I finally called a psychologist. The first time I met her, told her the short version of it, and she was dumbfounded. Mostly by the fact that I had technically been in treatment all along, but nothing was ever done to help me. I had slipped through the cracks of the healthcare system. She cried while pointing out that I was laughing and smiling when talking about the most hurtful things as my coping mechanism. She was retiring in half a year, so she referred me to a local psych policlinic. I met the best psychologist in the world, was diagnosed with depression and severe social anxiety disorder (also tested for bipolar 4 times - never was manic enough) and got started on treatment. Actual treatment.

That was 2,5 years ago. These days I live on my own. I do my own grocery shopping. I travel and go to concerts and festivals by myself. I still deal with depression and social anxiety, but I deal with them. I am able to. I’m in the process of possibly being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as well, since the bipolar was never quite right. In this time I’ve tried online high school and dropped out, tried streaming but was too anxious. I’m still the broken girl with no education nor healthy enough to acquire one, I still have my suicidal times and I still panic about leaving my house and get stomachaches sometimes. But I have good days too. And that’s something I wasn’t able to say when I was 15.

I ain’t got my shit together in the slightest. But I’m still kicking, and I know for a fact that there’s nothing in this world I cant get through. I dealt with all this bullshit, I’ll do it again if I have to.

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I admire you for persevering through all that.
I’m new here, and 14 years old now. I was bullied all through elementary school and during that time the only friends I ever had left me. Middle school was up and down. I got some new friends, but still cut myself and felt extremely lonely. I’m not very good in the social scene, and most of the time feel like a complete idiot.
Your story gives me hope that one day I’ll be okay with my self, even though I’m still not completely okay.
Thanks for sharing your story, and stay strong.
I believe nothing will ever burn out your fire.

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Thank you. And your message right here made writing this all out worth it. I know how hard it is what you’re going through, and if telling about my experiences can help you hold on and realize that you can make it through too, I’m happy to do so. Your fire is just as strong friend, never forget that. <3

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Man… I am so sorry you went through what you did. Humanity can be so cruel… you are an amazing individual for fighting so hard. Know that that right there is valuable beyond anything. This world needs fighters like you. I hope that you can use your experiences to help others who are struggling to be fighters just like you.

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Hey @Sarita,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry to hear that your childhood was really rough, and although you might not have everything together to-date, that you’re continuing to fight to make things right. Life can be cruel by dealing us with a crap hand of cards, but it’s up to us to turn it into something beautiful. You’re a fighter, and you can inspire so many people with your story, especially as things continue to improve. :slight_smile:

-Eric

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