My whole world is falling apart

[TheeCrazyBethy]

Hi,

Its been a long time since I’ve been here. Where to start? My whole world is crumbling. I’m currently away at a eating disorder treatment facility for binge eating disorder (BED). Been here a little over 3 weeks. They’re already talking about discharging me even though I’ve never felt more suicidal. Relapsed into self harm 3 times since being here. Also, my dad, the man I grew up learning from…has stage 4 metastatic colon cancer and is in the very end stages…he has weeks to months left. He is the major income in my home and I’ve never lived without him. I don’t know how to live without him. Everything is just crumbling around me…I don’t know how to keep going anymore. I’m supposed to fly home Aug 24th and…idk. I’m not sure what to do after then. I’m not sure I can keep fighting.

Anyone else up against the same demons? How do you overcome so much? Is hope even real at this point? All I want is to stop hurting.

[kayke]

I’m so sorry you are going through that. That must be really hard. I really hope you find the guidance you need to cope. I wish you the best.

[LiveResponse]

From: theladywho (Discord)

Hello TheeCrazyBethy, I can’t imagine the stress and pain you’ve been going through. I’m glad you are in a safe facility right now, even though that time sounds like it is limited. Can you get a referral from the facility for a therapist who specializes with families going through cancer treatments? I think it would be a really good idea to start up with one if you don’t already have one. It sounds like you are looking for support from others who have gone down this road, maybe you can find group therapy/support group in your area. Please know that you are more than your illness/disorder and your family needs you with them to get through this time. Sending my love and support <3

[twixremix]

hi @TheeCrazyBethy ,

with everything you’re facing right now, i can’t imagine the pain that rests on your shoulders. i admire your strength and perseverance through it all. it’s understandable that your dad’s health and your experience in the ED treatment facility throws you off your course. i hope you are able to communicate these suicidal thoughts to a therapist or someone within the treatment facility before being discharged so that you are on more stable ground in order to support your incredible dad. he sounds like a strong, wise, and loving father and i’m so glad he raised you to be someone who can be transparent with their pain and be willing to go up against these demons. my biggest advice here is to secure a therapist and for you to know that your whole HS community is here to help you in any way we can.

i do think hope is still real from you, whether it’s the hope to stay alive so you can be by your dad’s side and carry out his legacy to the world around you or even the hope of small joys hidden in nature that reminds you how valuable you are to this world, to those around you, and to yourself. hope is real… it just constantly takes different forms depending on the situation.

i am here for you through this, my friend, you don’t have to shoulder this pain alone. sending all my love to you and your dad.

love,
twix

[TheeCrazyBethy]

Kayke, theladywho, and twizremix…
Thank you for replying. I appreciate it. The staff at the ED center are aware I’m suicidal and struggling with relapse into self harm. They want to send me to a higher level of care but also don’t know where to send me. I’m supposed to discharge Aug 24th and honestly don’t know where to go from here.

Twix, my dad was…well…loving, yes. Wise and caring? Lol. He is a very self centered person. You try to talk about anything that’s not related to him and he throws a fit. But I’m used to his quirks and having him around to sometimes kill spiders when they scare the crap out of me. Ya know? In some ways, he was strong.

Theladywho, I’m from a very small town so when I do eventually go home…there isn’t support group options or even therapy options for me to get through this. I’m on my own basically. This Community, a close group of friends, and my video psychiatrist are it.

Again, I appreciate you guys responses. I could add details for days about how bad my circumstances are but alas I’m tired. Theres just a lot. Everything sucks and I’m fighting so hard to keep from being pulled under by the weight of things.

[Danjo]

Hey @TheeCrazyBethy , I’m so very proud of you for reaching out. My heart is broken for your situation, but I have to give you the credit you deserve for taking the steps to get some help for your ED. You’re a very strong person who is up against a lot right now and my only advice for you is to trust the people who are caring for you right now. I’m sure they’re doing what they can to help you get the services and support you need for you to succeed in your recovery.

As for the situation w/ your Dad, I’m at a bit of a loss for how to reply. Others have shared some really good points already, so I’ll just say that I agree with them. Of course, I’ll be praying for you and your Dad’s situation. I believe in you, still.

You’re loved.
Hold Fast.
-Danjo

[AVJR]

@TheeCrazyBethy

Hi. How you feeling? I’m sorry I haven’t keep in touch with you in awhile. So much happened in my life. I don’t want to share my problems because this isn’t about me. You do want to give up, but you shouldn’t. You need to keep living. Your story is not over. You can still inspire and make impact on others of what you are going through. I miss you. If you want to someone to talk to, message me on Discord or Messenger. I hope you will be in a better season. Thank you for sharing. I love you. God loves you.

[Micro]

Hey @TheeCrazyBethy,

I just remembered that you mentioned going back home yesterday, and wanted to send some love and friendly thoughts your way today.

The situation with your dad is incredibly heartbreaking and going back home earlier than you expected is certainly pretty stressful as well. I’m so sorry that you are facing all of this at the same time. It makes sense to feel hopeless when your world is brutaly shaken by events and circumstances that make the future uncertain. It’s especially during these times of feeling deeply overwhelmed and helpless that we need to take it easy, to focus on little steps and only this.

I hope the transition between the last couple days at the facility and being back at home is going as smooth as possible. It feels like your entire world is falling down, like all of this is just going to be too much - and is too much already. Though you can be sure that you have friends to support you through all of this. Rely on us, rely on the people who care for you, rely on the professionals who’ve helped you at the facility, and the ones they might have refered you to. It’s okay to use others shoulders and strength during such difficult times.

You are not alone. You will make it through. You will feel peace again, in this life and in this world.

[TheeCrazyBethy]

Thanks Micro and AVJR.

A couple days after my original post, I ended up in a psych ward for 9days so I didn’t see your responses till now. Thank u for validating my feelings and offering support. Things are still VERY hard…my dad continues to decline rapidly and its so hard to watch him fade away.
Mental health wise I’m hanging in there. Stopped self harming (19days free) and engaging in eating disorder behaviors (13days free). But it’s hard. I still struggle with this feeling of not wanting to be alive because everything is so painful. Also, I was kicked out of the ED center for being suicidal…second program I’ve been kicked out of. My treatment trauma is adding up fast.

Anyways, thank you. I’m so grateful each of u and this place exist.

[Micro]

Thank you so much for the updates @TheeCrazyBethy. It’s sounds that you’ve been dealing with a lot in a short amount of time, and I hope that taking the time to write it down here helps to ease a little bit your burdens.

Things are still VERY hard…my dad continues to decline rapidly and its so hard to watch him fade away.

I’m so sorry. It is incredibly heartbreaking to see someone we love declining in front of our eyes without having the possibility to change their situation. However your presence certainly means the world to him right now. These are incredibly painful circumstances for both of you, and the fact that you are there to share these moments with him, despite the pain, is really meaningful and strong. I hope you manage to make room for yourself as well. To take real breaks and spend time on your own, just to breathe and recharge whenever you need. As for your dad’s situation and how it affects you, please never hesitate to share about it here or vent if that is needed. Making sure you have spaces to express yourself is so important.

Stopped self harming (19days free) and engaging in eating disorder behaviors (13days free).

This is truly amazing and inspiring. I commend you for reaching both of these milestones in your recovery. It is even more admirable knowing what you are going through right now.

Cherish that strength within you. It is real and vibrant. You’re on the right path.

But it’s hard. I still struggle with this feeling of not wanting to be alive because everything is so painful.

Your mind automatically looks after an escape because of all the stress you are facing, which makes sense. It’s really powerful that you are aware of it and how it affects you. It allows you to gain some perspective over it and be in control, not the opposite. The pain is present, but you are not reacting to it in ways that would be damaging to you. That’s how resilient you are, and that is something worth to be celebrated each day that goes on.

Do you currently have anyone to talk about those thoughts? Any support “irl”, whether it’s with a therapist or friends?

Also, I was kicked out of the ED center for being suicidal…second program I’ve been kicked out of.

This is so frustrating and brutal… I’m sorry you were kicked out of it for this reason. As much as I understand that each service has their own purpose, it brings this unfair message that you’d be wrong for struggling, while ED and suicidal thoughts are both struggles that many people experience at the same time.

I’m really sorry that happened. Although I hope that, from this experience, you keep in your heart all the good things that actually helped you while you were there. In the end, it is about your recovery, what you keep with you from that experience, and how it’s going to help you grow and heal in the long run. You can be proud of yourself for the steps you’ve been taking to heal. I know firsthand how isolating and damaging EDs are. Your willingness to heal and reaching out is inspiring.

You’re not alone.

[TheeCrazyBethy]

Hi again new friend,
Thank you for your response!

To answer your questions, I do have someone to talk to. On Tuesday Sept 7th I started virtual outpatient (VIOP) treatment with a center out of Southern CA. It was terrifying reaching out for help again but they’ve been so kind and helpful in even just the last 3days. I cried through process group on my first day. IRL I only have the hospice team that sees my dad. My outpatient therapist dumped me the same day I was discharged from the psych ward…without saying why. She just said “I don’t have any availability for you.” Havent heard from her since. And when it comes to friends…my friends are mostly in other states (like Arizona, Im in California) so they’re not face to face support right now. Its hard not having people here but I make do.

Right now, my ED is thankfully under control. And, while at the psych ward, I started a new antidepressant thats helped a lot. Plus VIOP therapy is helping. Im really trying my best to keep myself here and keep going despite the insane amount of pain I’m experiencing.

Thank you again for responding. I value the community and support that I’ve gotten here. Its nice knowing someone sees and hears me while all this is going on.

[Danjo]

Thanks for the update Beth. Love you friend.