Thank you so much for the updates @TheeCrazyBethy. It’s sounds that you’ve been dealing with a lot in a short amount of time, and I hope that taking the time to write it down here helps to ease a little bit your burdens.
Things are still VERY hard…my dad continues to decline rapidly and its so hard to watch him fade away.
I’m so sorry. It is incredibly heartbreaking to see someone we love declining in front of our eyes without having the possibility to change their situation. However your presence certainly means the world to him right now. These are incredibly painful circumstances for both of you, and the fact that you are there to share these moments with him, despite the pain, is really meaningful and strong. I hope you manage to make room for yourself as well. To take real breaks and spend time on your own, just to breathe and recharge whenever you need. As for your dad’s situation and how it affects you, please never hesitate to share about it here or vent if that is needed. Making sure you have spaces to express yourself is so important.
Stopped self harming (19days free) and engaging in eating disorder behaviors (13days free).
This is truly amazing and inspiring. I commend you for reaching both of these milestones in your recovery. It is even more admirable knowing what you are going through right now.
Cherish that strength within you. It is real and vibrant. You’re on the right path.
But it’s hard. I still struggle with this feeling of not wanting to be alive because everything is so painful.
Your mind automatically looks after an escape because of all the stress you are facing, which makes sense. It’s really powerful that you are aware of it and how it affects you. It allows you to gain some perspective over it and be in control, not the opposite. The pain is present, but you are not reacting to it in ways that would be damaging to you. That’s how resilient you are, and that is something worth to be celebrated each day that goes on.
Do you currently have anyone to talk about those thoughts? Any support “irl”, whether it’s with a therapist or friends?
Also, I was kicked out of the ED center for being suicidal…second program I’ve been kicked out of.
This is so frustrating and brutal… I’m sorry you were kicked out of it for this reason. As much as I understand that each service has their own purpose, it brings this unfair message that you’d be wrong for struggling, while ED and suicidal thoughts are both struggles that many people experience at the same time.
I’m really sorry that happened. Although I hope that, from this experience, you keep in your heart all the good things that actually helped you while you were there. In the end, it is about your recovery, what you keep with you from that experience, and how it’s going to help you grow and heal in the long run. You can be proud of yourself for the steps you’ve been taking to heal. I know firsthand how isolating and damaging EDs are. Your willingness to heal and reaching out is inspiring.
You’re not alone.