My World is ending

I think it’s time I I finally go the hell away. I kept on screwing up at work today, and it pissed off my manager, and she will probably fire me because of that. I dropped a guys cheeseburger, and the look he gave me… it was like I really was an idiot. I realized that after getting into another argument , that all the thoughts in my head were right… I am a burden. I know that really there is nothing on here could do except beg me not to.

Your all strangers… people who don’t know who I am. Of course you think I’m a good person when I all do is post good things for you to read, but it’s not really true. If you knew me, you would know I’m an asshole,who is an idiot. You would try to help, but just like my Dad, you would stop trying to help, and stop caring. It’s the only way when you see how fucked up in the head I really am… I can barely function half the time. If all I did on here was post bad shit for you all, you would think I’m an asshole, you would see me as I see myself. I sat in the shower with my arms around my legs, not really crying just sitting there… and thought this all out. As Buddy Nielsen once said “I won’t be saved!”. I then sat in the front of my bathroom door, and started crying like the pussy I really am. Hell, why am I posting this when I really should be finding my Dad’s gun? This really is fucking dumb when I know that people will either ignore me, or will try to help this black, empty hole. I’m just past really caring anymore, and I don’t see the point in finding help. God tried helping me in the bathroom, and god shouldn’t have. I’m not going to call God a he or she, just doesn’t really make sense to me when God existed before Male and Female.

My dad pretty much told me that besides the driver’s test he is going to force me to pay and take, he was going to stop trying to help me anymore. I was going to have to ask him for help. If I keep spiraling down, he is going to send me to a mental hospital. He will leave me alone if I get my shit together. He thinks that I fake being an Idiot, but I really am an Idiot. That’'s really it from me now, as it seems some of this has gotten out of me.

Hey Jason,

I can see you’re really hurting right now. Although we may not know you personally, that doesn’t mean we don’t care for you or value you. The negative thoughts and lies we tell ourselves slowly start to seem like they are true after we have listened to them for so long, but that is all they are. Lies. I know this is hard to believe and even more so because we don’t know each other, but I care about you. I care about your well-being and you staying alive. Even if you don’t believe in yourself or see your worth, myself and others in this community do. You are wroth help. You are worth healing. You are not beyond help. Keep fighting. We believe in you.

Hannah Rhodes

I wish this wouldn’t be on the web, and face to face… then there would be no time to think about what to say. On the web, it’s easy to say anything and have people believe you, because you can only see words, not the emotions or thoughts that went into the posting. I don’t think we will ever meet outside of an electronic screen, so that idea is out of the window. I have to take what you say at quite literally face value… and that’s not easy to do. Especially when I keep relapsing and breaking down, building up and breaking down. I hope that you do care,and at the same time, you aren’t just pitying me as it(In theory), makes you feel better. this sounds cruel, maybe even heartless, but it’s just how I’m seeing things from this side of the screen.

I do hope your okay, as you don’t seem to post anything on here, so I don’t really know why you are on here. My brain wants to say that you pity me, and my heart want to say you want to help me, and its just one massive war of figuring out what is right, and what is wrong. I don’t know if I really deserve to become better, if this is God’s punishment to me for something I’ve done in a past life or something like that. Part of me wants to burn out and draw it slowly, part of me wants to be a savior, to be the angels themselves. People want to say that I’m smart, yet I see all my flaws that they don’t, and so I see myself as an idiot. Hell, right now I’m using you to rant and arrange my thoughts, so that I might not kill myself, and it’s scary trying to be this honest with you, someone who I have no idea looks like, or who they really are.

This is getting too long winded, me just typing out everything as I think it, and I want this to be truthful, so that I can see what I really am to other people.

Jason Mills

I appreciate the honesty. It’s really hard to be open and honest about things we struggle with. I do not pity you. I value you and care. I care that you find healing and that you know you are loved despite what you may think of yourself. We know ourselves better than anyone and that means we know all of our flaws and weaknesses, perceived or real, better than anyone as well. So because of that, we are the hardest on ourselves. I am on here because I care about people and hope to show them that they are loved and they have a place to talk openly and honestly.

I am an intern here with HeartSupport because I just love people and hope to help them as best I can. I know it can be overwhelming when so many thoughts are running through your head and trying to figure out whats right and whats wrong. I can promise you though, that you deserve healing. You deserve to get better and I know with the right tools, resources and time, that you will. I don’t believe that God is punishing you. Sometimes we go through trials and seasons of darkness and pain so that we can draw closer to God and fully trust in him. I know I have had my fair share of struggles and when I was at my lowest, in the deepest depression, crippled with anxiety and suicidal, I thought I was beyond help, but that wasn’t the case. I sought counseling and also worked on my relationship with God in the way that I learned to let go and cast my doubts and worries on Him. Healing takes time and it isn’t always easy or pain free. I think of it as cleaning out the wound so it can heal properly. It hurts to clean it, but it helps it in the long run.

I understand, thank you

Listen to me friend. It’s hard dealing with all that at once, but unfortunately that’s how life seems to go. Like you got a good run then all of a sudden things go sideways in a real way. It never seems to get easier for me, and I’m 41. Screwing up when u r are older fucking sucks because there are less chances now at redemption. But don’t go and do something like you might b considering because no matter how shit life is being dead is final. And hard to say what happens after. And the people you love will b forever changed and you will cheat the world out of your awesomeness, dropping burgers or not. I have many stories like that, so it’s all part of front of the house and waiting on people. It’s super embarrassing and u might get shit from d-bags for a minute, but don’t sweat it. And driving is a big pain although it seems convenient. It’s also dangerous and like waiting tables, some times there are accidents and other incidents, often devastating ones. So try to anticipate other people driving unsafely and it being up to you to be safe and courteous
Take care friend

thank you for the encouraging words.