My worthless fear

My mom and I are watching Criminal Minds- that one episode about the clowns. For years and years, I’ve said that I’m scared of clowns. Only seeing a couple of pictures of regular clowns. They scared me. But watching the start of this episode, I’ve realized how scared I actually am.
So this kid hears a high-pitched noise and runs to his parents room to sleep with them. His dad crawls into bed and then this clown slides out from under the bed. At that moment, I felt the need to cry and run away. My eyes started watering, my breathing started getting faster and faster, and my legs to me to away from the TV. I didn’t even think I could make it the whole episode. Just one tiny glance and I wanted to run off the face of Earth.

You know what my mom did.

Laughed at me.

After watching the whole episode, I had to go to the bathroom. Naturally, with the air on in the house, my mom had all the doors closed. I walked away like 6 times before I grabbed a back scratcher and opened the bathroom door. Then I used the scratcher to slide the shower curtain open. I don’t think my mom realized in that moment how scared I was. She joked about it when she saw me the 3rd time walking away.

“If you see a clown when you open the door, just give a holler.” She laughed.

Of course I didn’t trust her, she’s one that stays up late but falls asleep for like 30 minutes because she’s “too tired.”
The fact that she didn’t even try to make me feel better makes me sad. This is why I don’t trust people, not even my own family. Anyone and everyone can betray me. I’m not afraid to admit that I have trust issues and a really big fear of clowns.

I feel like this is getting off topic now. I’m done ranting. Goodbye. Pls send prayers or whatever to me so that I don’t die from a clown tonight.

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fears are not always rational, but they are always valid.

i am sorry your mom didn’t help you feel better and I am sorry you felt so scared.

i promise you there are people that you can trust, but I acknowledge your experiences and respect that it is hard, because trust is something people have to earn, not something that you give freely.

you can get through tonight and I pray that you sleep well

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Hey @Pumpkin-Panda,

This is not off-topic, no worries. You are always free to share here what’s in your heart. <3

I totally agree with @fiji:

fears are not always rational, but they are always valid.

What you are afraid of doesn’t have to be explained or justified. It is what it is. And it has to be respected. Just because how it makes you feel is very real. I’m sorry your mom’s reaction wasn’t more understanding or compassionate. Laughing about what makes you feel afraid is the best way to make you think that you are wrong to feel how you feel… but what is wrong was her reaction.

This is why I don’t trust people, not even my own family. Anyone and everyone can betray me.

It is true that anyone can betray you, but it doesn’t mean everyone would do that. But I understand. It’s hard to trust others. It feels risky and there’s a lot of uncertainties. Especially when you were betrayed and ignored in your own family, the first place where you are supposed to be loved and supported unconditionally. It’s positive to be aware of your trust issues though, and also why this is difficult for you. It’s not a fatality. It’s still something that can be improved through the different relationships you’ll have in your life. But it requires, for sure, at least a sense of safety with the people you interact.

Know that this community is a great place to work on that. You will never be judged for being you. I have some strong trust issues too. But this community has been a safe place where I’m learning new ways to communicate and invest myself with others. I hope you’ll find here as much support and strength that I personally found. You deserve to feel safe, loved and cared for. And not only when you feel vulnerable.

I hope you had some restful sleep last night. Thinking of you. Thank you for taking the time to share all of this. :hrtlegolove: