Narcissism and Hope

[itsnotoveryet]

This morning I cried, thinking about how I’ll leave my mom behind with my narcissistic, controlling brother (I don’t know how many times I’ve typed that out in recent moments of despair ).

Later on today, my brother schedules a “family meeting” AKA “I’m upset over something you’ve already apologized to me about so it’s time for me to put you down in front of everyone and tell you how little you’ve done to make me feel better”

I was pissed and had attitude and my boyfriend didn’t care but put up the front that he did, in fact even I thought he cared! Luckily with the narc-spiral, after negativity comes the bombs of positivity, there are little bombs right now. Everyone is making small talk and little jokes and my brother of course telling stories about himself, things seem fine now. But, my bf and I have broken our last straw.
We both made a promise to let go of pride and not take what they say to heart and put up a nice front until we get the hell out of there.

I just wanted to write about how I physically, maybe even subconsciously, felt a sudden hope after everyone got happy. It’s funny looking at this feeling now. This cycle of…

[Unhappy Narc-bro] → [unhappy everyone] → [blame thrown at whoever] → [Everyone apologizes] → [Narc-bro happy] → [everyone cautiously happy]

I have to mentally break myself out of this habit of thinking everything is okay after this, that maybe I’m being dramatic for wanting to move away. It’s so tough. But I’ve found that the more issues appear, the more my boyfriend and I have realized that we need to put pep in our step to move out. The newest breakthrough we’ve made is that we have to leave some items behind. Before they all pissed us off, that would have been a hard decision to make, but now it’s at the point where my boyfriend would have been willing to leave his physical video game copies here! I was shocked and I said “No, we’re atleast going to try and throw the disks in a bag before we do that.” (I couldn’t let him do that to himself)

That is the end of my note. I thought that maybe writing this out, some of you lovely people who deal with narcissists can relate. This is a hard situation to be in…very hard. I sympathize with you all. I hope whoever reads this has a forward-thinking day and put your mental health first before others! Take care you all

[Wings]

It’s good to hear that you are maintaining emotional equilibrium in spite of your brothers delusional narcissism. Yes, your mom may not enjoy dealing with your brother, but if anyone can keep him reasonably under control, it will be her. They may even succeed in keeping each other occupied through the use of emotional blackmail.

You’ve probably heard it said, some people are not happy unless they’re unhappy. Some people marinate themselves in self-pity, and wouldn’t have it any other way. Others enjoy a self-delusion of being a hero. I don’t know if your family is that extreme, but my impression is that some of the aforementioned elements do exist.

Keep your head down. Sidestep confrontation whenever possible and do the best you can to get along. Then, when it’s time to go, don’t look back.

[itsnotoveryet]

Hello Wings, it’s nice to see you again. I will say that maintaining my emotions has been very hard, but eventually I get back my original thoughts.

Also, I’ve never thought about my mom that way, in regards to keeping my brother in control. I see the self-pity in my mother almost every day, always calling herself stupid and fat, it’s saddening. She cares too much for her appearance. She experiences hair loss so if she doesn’t have a nice wig or some way to cover up her head she will outright refuse an emergency hospital visit. If we don’t compliment her, she’ll get very upset. Also has the “I am your mother so I am right mentality”, but she has some self awareness unlike my brother, she will apologize when she’s wrong.

My brother often talks good about himself, telling entertaining stories about crazy things he has done, even when it seems bad he’ll make it sound good. He is aware of his aggressive behavior and anger problems but will almost pity brag about them. When he’s upset, he’ll say “I won’t say anymore because I’ll get violent” but then continue to talk for the next couple of minutes…simply a threat. He’s never hit anyone living here physically, but he’s kicked a door so hard that a piece of wood flew and scraped the top of my mother’s head. He also threatens to kill others, but will rather say it as “I’ll kill them” to someone instead of “I’ll kill you” to your face.

I will say there are much more extreme family’s out there, and it doesn’t help that I have a habit of downplaying my experiences. I made this account promising myself I’d be as concise as possible. If I’m afraid to speak my mind clearly and I go through a lot of stress when someone is upset then I’m sure that’s enough to want to leave.

I will continue try my best at side stepping confrontation, and it will be very hard to not look back. I will give it my all. Thank you so much again for taking the time, Wings.

[Wings]

I think once you’re away from the situation, it’ll be easier to see the dynamics between your mom and your brother. You may find she has more strength and power than you realize. I doubt she overtly exerts control, but perhaps without consciously realizing it, she’s using her low self-esteem to gain attention and evoke desired responses from others. Actually, it’s hard not to do that when you feel as though your influence is compromised.

When she gives you a hard time about leaving, explain that you won’t be good for yourself or anyone else until you gain some autonomy and peace of mind. I’m not sure how you can say it, but you can suggest that your independence is fulfillment of her role as a parent.

I believe you’ll be able to do her more good by not being around her so much. She might try to induce guilt, but she’ll also listen more closely when you talk to her. There may be more extreme families out there, but that’s not a reason to remain in an unhealthy situation.

Your brother sounds like a real piece of work, but it’s good to know you’re probably not in any physical danger.

I’d guess that at some level, your mom realizes she’s pressuring you folks for compliments. Knowing that, the compliments may not be very satisfying, yet they do provide a bit of assurance that you guys care enough to try and make her feel better. Things might shift a bit if sometimes when she’s not expecting it, you say something absolutely true and positive about her.

[itsnotoveryet]

I can understand your first point, seeing dynamics more clearly when I’m gone. My mother is very strong, she just has a very weak body and a beaten heart that was never healed, she went through hell in her childhood and adulthood.

I’ve been gaining more sense of myself through these conversations, thank you for that. I do have one thing that dawns on me, though. We’re always struggling financially, I think we are a tad bit more recently. Once we’re gone, they have to take care of rent. That could mean that they can’t afford my mother’s medication anymore (marijuana, although it may be illegal where I am, it is what doctors quietly recommended for her)

My main point is, majority of my guilt now is messing them up financially. One of my sisters who ran away caused us to have these issues in the past and I saw how it all went down. Sadly, we were homeless at one point. She was blamed and belittled and even not mentioned like she doesn’t exist for awhile, it’s no wonder she cut off contact for a long time and for some reason decided to only speak to my brother. I don’t think there is any solution to this, I thought I would just speak on it. I don’t know when we’ll be at a more stable spot…

I really appreciate you helping me through my thoughts about leaving my mother behind. It has really resonated with me and I feel a sense of clarity about it. I only now worry about how this may affect them financially, but I don’t think there is anything I can do about that since I’ve had enough being here. Again, thank you so very much. You’ve helped me through a lot of my thoughts and I cannot thank you enough.

[Wings]

Airline passengers are told that in the event of an emergency and the oxygen masks drop, a person is to put their own mask on first before helping anyone else. The reasoning is that if you pass out while trying to help someone else, both of you will end up oxygen deprived, which can be fatal. Another way of looking at it is that you can’t throw someone a lifeline, if you are drowning with them.

Similarly, you need to ensure your own well-being, as it is necessary in order to be in a position to help others, as well as for your own sake. Perhaps you can send money to help with your mom’s medication.

I am not surprised that your mom had a rough beginning and history. You and your siblings may each have reacted differently to the stresses of your childhood, but essentially I think all of you have suffered, as a consequence of her suffering. In one way of thinking, forgiveness is a non-issue when considering that judgment and condemnation needs to be withheld. Instead, the pain, suffering, confusion, and habitual toxic thought patterns are the issues that need resolving. Your brothers narcissism is probably a mechanism that has evolved in him as an attempt to avoid emotional pain.

No one wants a person who has gotten sick or injured to feel guilty because of it. The same should be true for those who have mental or emotional problems. There is no need to forgive someone for breaking their leg. The same is true for someone who has “inherited” mental health issues. However, just as in the case of a car accident that results in injury, individuals with mental health issues who have injured others, have reason to seek forgiveness. Yet the inability to seek forgiveness is often part of the mental health issues. At the same time, because of our deeply ingrained perceptions about forgiveness, it’s important for people to feel forgiven when they believe they need it.

I am mentioning this because I hope it can help you not feel anger and a sense of injustice toward your family. That doesn’t mean I think you can “fix” your family. Many families never heal completely, but are invariably better off when they maintain hope. Some relationships never heal, but can improve.

I’m glad that my words are helping you. You seem to be deriving wisdom from them, and integrating them with your own wisdom.

[itsnotoveryet]

That’s it…You’ve officially addressed every huge worry in my mind. I almost don’t know how to feel. This feels similar to a toddler who had a huge dramatic tantrum, realizing that there is nothing to cry about anymore, as her parents sit and wait for her to finish. My brain wants to grasp at straws.

I appreciate the analogy, you’re absolutely right that I have to help myself first before others, especially when I’m suffering.

I like the idea of sending my mom money for her medication, I will find out how to do that eventually. And in retrospect, I see how everyone else has reaction to their own suffering, it’s something we all need our own time to get through, including my mother. I definitely agree that the narcissism is how my brother avoids pain, he can put up a “scary guy” front to others but when seeing him everyday, you can see how sensitive he is on the inside. I don’t hate my brother, I know he has moments when he means well. I hate his actions.

I understand what you spoke about on forgiveness. I shouldn’t apologize or feel guilty for being afflicted with pain. I should forgive others who hurt me, but I don’t receive the apologies or conversation for the pain, and that’s what everyone needs. I also appreciate your relation to the scenario with a physical injury, since that tends to hold more weight than mental injuries that deserve just as much attention.

All that is left is the hard labor:
How will I leave?
When exactly will I leave?
What will I leave behind?
When will I speak to them after I go?
Will we send some money that is left to them so they don’t stumble too hard? How much?

These are a couple of my mental notes I have to cover these next couple of days.

Thank you for all the time you’ve taken to reach out to me, Wings. I feel like I owe you something now, your words have reframed so many issues in my head.

There will come a time that I feel overwhelmed again, but I will come back to these posts in a heartbeat when I do. I’ve come to realize the importance of writing down my issues, it helps to look back on everything. Thank you so much again. I cannot thank you enough.

[Wings]

I am deeply touched by your response. That you understand so well means that I merely awakened wisdom you already had within you.

@itsnotoveryet

I should forgive others who hurt me, but I don’t receive the apologies or conversation for the pain, and that’s what everyone needs.

Yes, your suffering should be acknowledged, and you deserve apologies. The willingness to accept responsibility for hurting someone, and apologize for it, occurs after mental healing, in most cases. For that reason, releasing the expectation of an apology, if possible, is in your best interest. Still, if you clearly know that you deserve an apology, even if you don’t get one, you can still take comfort in being at peace with your own integrity.

Regarding the hard questions, I don’t envy you. Don’t try to figure it out all at once. Each of those questions deserve exclusive focus. I think you can defer the last two questions until after you move.

[itsnotoveryet]

Thank you so much. I will work through any bitterness I gain after moving, because I know it’s bound to appear eventually, luckily I am well right now. I am at the state of mind I need to be in to get through this. I will be sure to update when it’s all over, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you so much again, Wings.