When I was younger I used to love drawing, writing, music, creative stuff. I would spend hours inventing cartoons and stories and learning new music on my keyboard. I loved being in the moment and I didnt care about achieving for the sake of showing off or proving anything to anyone.
But, my Dad’s obsession with me having excellent grades and my Mum’s obsession with me as her Golden child ruined that freedom. And, I think it has created a narcissistic obsession with achievement for others and for society. Coupled with depression, this has made me feel like a procrastinating mess.
I am 33 now. I am disconnected in a strange way. I know I love those things I did, but I cannot feel it anymore. I have my art stuff, my electric piano, my guitar, my drumsticks, but they are hardly touched.
Nothing flows. I know that my mental health struggles have eclipsed my passion, but I am now at the point where I am frozen. I do not know where to go next. Proceeding feels confused. What do I do first? What is best for me?
To do things for myself is hard. Inevitably, I end up associating everything I do with a pathological need to achieve. ‘I am great! I can be exceptional! Here, world, here I am, the amazing me, one of the greats!’
I am trapped in this self-absorption. And, I do not know what it feels like not to think about myself in this way anymore. I feel so self-obsessed that it is sickening. I am so mentally caged in that I have rendered myself immobile. I do nothing. And, pushing myself works for a limited time only. Inevitably I give up. I cannot be bothered. There is no point. Capitalism wants to monetize my work. Or, I have been trained by society to monetize and commodity my art which I am sick of hearing!
‘You are so good at this, darling, you should do this when you grow up!’ says every other parent to a talented child.
But, this narrative has ruined me.
I feel forever tied to capitalism and it’s expectations that I should wage my art and that I have to show it to the world because I owe it to the world for people to see my work.
I hope I free my mind soon. If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice, I welcome it.