Hello, so this is my first post on HeartSupport, and I’m really hoping I can find some support. Bear with me, it’ll probably be quite long, as I write a lot and it’s made me write things longer winded than I would intend in other areas.
Firstly, my mother is very narcissistic, meaning if she doesn’t like something I do or if something doesn’t go exactly how she wanted it to, she will throw a fit and blame me for it going wrong, and constantly tells her friends that I am a bad child because I never obey her rules. I also have no friends in real life because of her, none of them can handle sticking around because of her attitude and constant bossiness. Mind you, I am almost 21, so you would think I’d be able to have friends… but no. Even if I manage to befriend someone, they give up on me after they try to take me out somewhere like for a quiet lunch at Starbucks or something such, and my mother either actually holds me back from leaving, or she tells my new bud that I’m sick or otherwise indisposed to come. I am stuck with only online friends, not that there’s anything wrong with having friends online nowadays, but it’d be nice to actually have someone I could hang out with in a real life situation. Oh and my mother also refuses to let me/help me get my driver’s license, saying I don’t need it (yet it’s preventing me from getting most jobs!), and that I’d be too expensive on her insurance. Recently she also threw a fit over me having grabbed a jar of Nutella while her friend was buying us groceries because we were short on money for food, and her attitude lasted for the next couple days, to the point where she was even angry with the dog when our dog wanted her attention and wanted to be held. I understand that some of her behavior stems from her Bipolar disorder, but that’s no excuse to treat your only daughter and only child still at home like shit, is it? I’m just so overwhelmed lately, especially as it’s nearing the Christmas season, knowing I won’t get any presents from her, but I’ll be expected to give her something, and I don’t have any money except when she shares a few dollars here and there from what’s left of her disability check. I wish I could move out, but I just don’t have the resources to move, and all of this stress is not good for me and I know it, but I can’t help it. I don’t really get to leave the house apart from when mother drags me off to her friends or somewhere she wants to go, but I don’t. Some days I just want to go for an aimless walk somewhere and maybe sit for a while to relax, but if I try to go out, I am bombarded with endless questions about where I’m going and how long I’ll be gone, and she’ll tell me I have to be back at a certain time, and if I do even actually go out after all that, she’ll text me every 5 minutes expecting a reply right away. I’m just tired of all of this, and it makes me feel worthless and like I am nothing and that I don’t deserve to be alive. I don’t even know how to cry anymore, I’ve had to suppress my feelings around my mother for so long. I used to cut, and have stopped it for a couple years, but the thoughts of doing it again are coming back and I don’t like it. It means I’m losing control again and that makes me feel worse. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want a normal life.
Hey @EkaterinaGoldstone! Thank you for sharing with us, and welcome! 
Firstly I’m just really sorry. This is such a hard situation, and it comes across how stuck you feel. I don’t think you’re worthless, and you definitely don’t deserve to be treated badly or controlled by anyone.
I’m glad you mentioned that some of your mother’s behaviour might be a result of her own struggles. When I see behaviour like this, I see a lot of fear under the surface. You were also right straight after: it doesn’t justify treating you poorly, not even a bit. That controlling behaviour takes such a huge toll, it is hugely suffocating, and at the end of the day you’re the one who has to wear that pain.
I want to promise you that you can do something to make things better, no matter what. That might mean renegotiating your relationship with your mother, pushing back until she has no choice but to deal with it, or it might mean getting the hell out of there. I know it won’t be easy, but I do know that one baby step at a time adds up remarkably quickly. Whatever you need, we can work on a strategy to get where you want to be. This is your life, let’s make it into something that you want.
Sending lots of love 
Let me know if you want to talk, or if you want help strategising. We can get through this
Thank you.
I’ve tried renegotiating with my mother on boundaries multiple times, I even had counselors suggest things to me that I could do, and I tried such, it didn’t help and often made things worse, especially before I turned 18, because then she could take away use of the desktop computer where I play my games and stay somewhat sane-er. I didn’t even get my first phone until after I was 17, which was a huge source of bullying towards me in school, that and never having new or nice looking clothing. So I figure the best way for me to get out of this situation is to leave, but without money I am endlessly stuck. I have a friend from a game who has offered me a place with her until I can get onto my own feet for myself, but in order to get there I need money for my passport (yes, at 20 I don’t have a passport or even enhanced ID), and money for a Greyhound ticket also. So of course it makes me feel more stuck that I can’t even make use of the very helpful and generous offer by a friend.
Thanks for getting back to me!
I’m really glad you’ve already reached out to counselors, and I’m so sorry that your mother wasn’t receptive.
I think you’re right, if your mother won’t work with you on this then the best bet would be some distance. It’s okay that there are a few hills and hiccups to get over, this was never going to be easy. That doesn’t mean that we can’t get to work on a plan, though! You mentioned not being an only child in your last post - is there any way your siblings could offer a hand?
I don’t think this kind of controlling behaviour is a small thing at all. It might even be worth looking into local refuges, for if you feel like you can’t take it anymore. If that’s not an option, we can work something else out. It’ll take some time, but we’ll get you out of there.
Sending love Thank you for being so brave
One brother is on the other side of the states, one is in jail and the other won’t talk to me because I still live with mother and he can’t stand her. So that’d be a no for help from any of them. It’d be nice to have some help from one of them, but I just don’t foresee it happening.
That’s alright @EkaterinaGoldstone , figuring out what to do is a process I just don’t want you to feel like this situation is completely hopeless. We can always do something.
I don’t know what your brother’s situation is so forgive me if this is a silly question, but is it possible you could borrow money from your brother just to get you out of there?
If not, again, that’s okay. We’ll figure out something.
Firstly, understand that narcissism and bipolar disorder are two different things. I have bipolar disorder and I don’t act that way. Narcissistic people can only harm you. The only way to deal with them is by leaving and ignoring. They will try to ruin your life so when/if you leave, you need to brace yourself for impact. Absolutely no contact what so ever… don’t try to have a rational convo or calm them. Let them boil over until they run dry-alone! it’s very important that you do that. Treat it with the same importance as domestic violence from a potential murder. I say that because they will threaten suicide or homice sometimes and you can’t cave. The people who threaten directly are far less likely to act on it than someone that indirectly imply a it. Just FYI. People say things with anticipation for certain reactions. She can function without you because she did it before you so grip your self and go!
Your first step is to go to a domestic violence shelter. Yes this counts. Nothing has to happen to mom. You’ll know what not to say if that’s truly a concern. If they don’t accept you, try any shelter. Also, you may qualify for disability yourself for your depression. You can go to a disability lawyer (no cost to you. At most they will deny you if your case sucks) that’ll help you get on housing lists and open resources. You don’t have to stay on disability forever either but you’ll get medical.
Also there’s a disorder called Borderline personality disorder. That’s kinda what this sound like more so than narcissistic. Google it. If that’s what she has in your opinion she’ll greatly benefit from structure and consistency. Those people do best when they know what to expect, what lines not to cross and have a standard held to them that is considered ‘normal’. Meaning if you wouldn’t accept it from anyone else you won’t accept it from them. As long as they are clear on how they are most useful and how you feel about thing as em well as your aren’t leaving forever then they thrive. They need clarity otherwise they try to run the show with poor judgement
It’s something I’d have to ask, because I don’t know. I will inform once I have an answer.
I do understand that there’s a difference between narcissistic behavior and bipolar behavior, however when she uses her bipolar as her excuse, that doesn’t help. As for it being BPD(Borderline), I have done my research on various medical topic websites and I’ve even asked my dr briefly about it, I believe it is indeed NPD(Narcissistic Personality Disorder), not BPD, as the behavior matches more to NPD than to BPD, of course it is no guarantee that it is, because someone with such disorder either way, would not willingly get themselves evaluated.
I don’t have any way to get to a disability lawyer, nor do I know what to really say. I’ve never really talked to anyone on the legal side except when mother has told me to explain things to an injury lawyer for her as she didn’t want to try herself because she thinks she’ll never understand how to do such because of her dyslexia. Again, using me as a crutch for her personal gain, but I was underage then and didn’t have a choice.
As for a shelter, I would have to find a location and walk there, because again, no license, which really limits my options.
Good luck @EkaterinaGoldstone, I hope they’ll be able to help And if not, we’ll keep on looking. You’re doing so well, we’ll figure this out
Well, the one brother I do have the ability to talk to is ignoring my messages to him, so I think that possibility is out. I don’t know how to contact the other one, and then of course the 3rd is in jail so he’ll be no help anyways. So I have tried.
Today she got angry with me for having turned the tv off while she was out, just because she didn’t want to miss any of her precious soap opera. Well, I’d turned it off because I’m not usually watching anything, and I wanted to play a game that requires you to be able to hear if you want to live.
It’s good to hear back from you @EkaterinaGoldstone!
It’s a shame that they weren’t able to help, but I’m proud of you for reaching out. I hope that we’ll hear back from your brother eventually, and in the meantime we can keep working on this.
This pattern of seemingly small things causing big emotional reactions must be really hard on you. I worry that over time this could really grind you down, so I’m wondering: What do you do to cope when she gets angry like this?
We can try to make things easier for you while you’re there, and that’s a really important thing to do in a situation like this, but I think it’s important that we work on a plan to get you into a healthier environment too. Money looks like a major roadblock here, so I’ll start there. Without a license this will be harder, but not impossible. Are there any local businesses within walking or public transport distance that you could apply to? @Floatingincement mentioned disability payments - how do you feel about that as an option?
Good luck and stay strong We’ll smash this.
No license doesn’t limit anything. Let’s say you got one. You’d still need a car, then insurance and to maintain that… a job. I’ve been there before and it’s a limiting belief. “If I just had this” is a trap. Well, what if you never have that?
Look, take it from me. You aren’t at the worst and most dangerous point of your depression yet. It can get worse in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. What can make that worse is staying in toxicity. At the end of the day you’ll be trading one toxicity for another. You’ll exchange the inconvenience of walking when fatigued, talking when you don’t feel socially in tune, guilt of leaving someone you love, shame of people that look down on you when you go FOR being abused and resorting to online support that will never satisfy you.
And if she genuinely has BPD there’s a fun fact about it. Fear of abandonment rules her world so you’ll always be welcome back. Narcissistic people also have that same need. The need of others. You can always turn back.
I unfortunately don’t really have any coping mechanisms apart from listening to music… which doesn’t always work when out somewhere with other older adults because they’ll nip at me until I take the earbuds out, even when I already had the volume low enough to hear both.
As for nearby places to apply, I have tried practically every location I could think of in (reasonable) walking distance. One place wanted to hire me but needed me to have a driver’s license as I would have to go between locations. I wanted that job too, it was at Menchies (frozen yogurt self serve bar), and that’s a place I wanted to work at. But no, I was short a license even though I met all other requirements. I’ve even looked into a few places where I’d have to be driven to, but even those also require a license.
As for disability payments, I’m not quite sure the state would allow it for multiple people living under the same roof, especially if one is working age and not severely disabled enough to not be working. I will try to find information on that. And also, since I don’t have my own checking account, it’s a joint account ownership of mother’s free secondary account, she would be able to just sign herself over some of that money whenever she wanted, and I’m sure she would, as she has already told me if I have a job I’m going to share my paycheck with her. I can’t put restrictions on it because I am not the main owner. She would have to be there to allow restrictions.