Don’t worry for the grammar, your message is perfectly understandable. English is not my main language too, so we’re just doing our best!
I’m sorry you’re feeling suicidal right now and I wish I could send you as much strengths as love I have for you at this moment. Depression is something that can take a lot of energy and time before getting out of it. You are very brave to fight for so many years. It’s quite normal that there are moments of discouragement where things seem to be insurmountable. But this feeling will pass.
If there are days when you feel unable to do anything, try to come back to very simple things. For me, sometimes starting with something that may seem very easy made me realize that in reality, I was able to accomplish certain things during my day. Even if it was just getting dressed or getting some fresh air at the window. It also helped me to write, at the end of the day, what I had done, what I was proud of and / or what was good for me, for what I was grateful. Doing this also helped me to realize that everything was not necessarily all black and white, and that even the simplest things could bring me some joy. My mind was trying to make me think that my daily life was looking like a really dark cloud but, in fact, there were some stars gleaming silently. If you want, there is a room dedicated to this on the Discord of the community, called “jar of awesome”: https://www.discord.gg/heartsupport , feel free to share with us!
It would be also interesting for you to list some things that help you to feel better and keep this list next to you, in case you need to. When we have dark ideas, we may have trouble seeing things clearly and remembering what is good for us. So with a list, you don’t need to think, just to look at it and pick something you want.
It’s not much, these ideas. But I wanted to share with you some examples of what kind of small things you can add to your daily life in order to gradually improve your situation and take care of yourself. You are not without power over the situation, even if it’s particularly difficult. There are always things that can help you to take care of yourself, but it will always be very personal things, things that suit you and no one else.
I believe in you. You will manage to get out of it and find some inner peace. Take care.