Okay so, my fiance and I got into an argument recently. I forget what about off the top of my head. But at one point I asked her if she thought she was better than me bc honestly she kinda acts like it a lot. And she said yes, bc she has more control over her emotions. Now idk about you guys, but I’ve never had someone I was with outwardly admit that they thought they were better than me. Let me get the whole truth out here so there’s no misunderstanding. I’ve hurt her in the past, a lot. And I have a lot of unresolved issues and mental health issues that I unintentionally take out on her a lot. And it’s true, I don’t have much control over my emotional reactions to things. I accept all of those things. But I’ve always considered us equals. I’ve never thought her inferior to me, nor I inferior to her. But now that I know she no longer feels the same, I’m questioning whether or not I even want to continue this relationship. Why would I want to spend my life with someone who genuinely thinks something like that? And when she said that, I tried explaining to her like, no that’s not how this works. But anytime we argue I’m in the wrong whether I actually am or not. And I’ve realized that there’s no point in trying to explain anything. Like… Am I tripping or was that a really toxic thing for her to say???
You’re absolutely right.
A relationship, especially a soon to be marriage, should be the one relationship in your life that you are 100% sure about. And you should most definitely consider each other equals.
I’m of the impression that if you ever have to question something as serious as that, to the extent that you may longer see a future, it’s probably best to not carry forward.
Obligatory 'Not a relationship counselor ’ but I have been happily married for more than 9 years.
That was a really toxic thing for her to say. Speaking as someone who doesn’t know you or her, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that she said it from a place of anger, trying to inflict pain, and that it’s not something she truly believes. That said, that’s not something that anyone should throw around. The fact that she has a reason she thinks she’s better than you, her control over her emotions, tells me it’s something she does think at some level, not something she just said in the heat of the moment.
This is something you need to address with her when the two of you aren’t fighting, when tempers are level and you can have a rational discussion about it. Tell her to hear you out, and explain to her how her statement makes you feel. Use “I” statements to speak to your experience, and try to avoid “you” statements that would put her on the defensive. For example, “I was really hurt when you said that” instead of “you hurt me.”
You may want to do couples or premarital counseling to address this. It’s good to have someone impartial to help you facilitate communication and understanding between each other. People are scared of couples counseling, thinking that it signals a dying relationship. Couples counseling should instead be reframed as the couples’ equivalent of individual counseling–something to help you identify and work through issues, and reframe negative thought patterns. It’s important to address these issues now, before you’re married. Too often, couples duck their heads and push through to their wedding days, believing that things will get better once they’re married; but a pronouncement of man and wife doesn’t make issues disappear. Instead, it puts more pressure on the couple to “be healthy,” and life puts enough pressure on couples without them having to carry self-imposed pressure.
I hope you can work through this. I hope you and she can communicate your differences and come together through this.
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