I will try to keep this as short as possible but it is a bit complicated and I don’t know what to do.
I receive care from a certain company, we are going to stop eventually bc at some point I will be able to look after myself.
Which is awesome, but it meant that 1 of the 2 caregivers left to look after people that will need help for a longer time. And they gave me a new caregiver for the (short?) Time I still need care.
This new caregiver (A) is giving me the creeps. Already at the getting to know talk I did not feel good vibes.
Second visit she was bragging that bc she has gone through so much herself she is very good at knowing what other people feel. Also she was having this whole story about making the negative positve. I know some people really believe in that but it freaks me out, and I told her so. I told her I have other beliefs and I am feeling a lot of resistance to what she is saying. I felt like she had no clue what I was talking about and not really listening.
Third visit she came in while chewing gum. I absolutely detest chewing gum, it grosses me out and I cannot stand the sound. I asked her to throw it out. She refused. I told her the sound is really bad for me. She told me she will simply not chew. Our appointment was 2 hour long…so at some point when we went to the store ofcourse she was chewing. Probably thinking I would not notice, but ofcourse I did. And it made me very tense. I asked her in the car if she would take it out as soon as we reached my place. And she said yes. But once we were there, no action on her side. So I started explaining how tense I was, that I have misophonia and it drives me mad and the tension was totally over my head. She said she would take it into consideration, but still had the gum. So I asked her is it gone now, she said no. I told her to get rid of it, she stared at me in a not nice way and eventually got up and threw it out. With a lot of negative energy and attitude. I felt totally not understood, listened to, and she had told me she would get rid of it twice and both times did not do it. I did let her stay in my apartment, which in hindsight I regret. I should have let her leave that would have been better.
But anyway, she stayed and we went upstairs to do my laundry. At some point she was behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. This was only the 3rd visit, and most people sense automatically that I do NOT like to be touched without warning, especially by people that I hardly know and from behind. So I manually removed her hand and I think I told her I do not appreciate that. But I am not sure bc I tend to freeze in that kind of situations.
The appointment ended and she left. I think I was nice to her when she left. And then she texted me that I had worked so well with her that day. I did not reply bc that was not my experience. Next day she texted me if I had done laundry. I did not appreciate that text but I still replied out of fear I think. But I did tell her I was busy with other stuff.
Sadly the whole situation has been giving me nightmares, bad sleep and making me overthink everything.
So I told the other caregiver (B) about it. She seemed to somehow understand. She canceled the next appointment with the other caregiver and planned a meeting for next Monday.
But it sits not well with me so I texted B to tell her I dont want that meeting. We talked about it briefly today. B said that A does not understand what she did wrong and that it would be fair to have this meeting. I told her I don’t feel responsible for A, mainly bc I do not trust her at all. When she says yes she does no and when I state my boundaries in clear terms she just crashes over them. So I am convinced a meeting will only cause me more harm whereas it might give her the feeling she is doing fine. Normally I am all for communicating and for talking things out. I had a conflict with another of their caregivers before and with her I did go to the meeting.
But I feel this time I just don’t want to get into the mental stress. B was telling me A deserves this talk and somehow I feel I have given her enough opportunity to not cross my boundaries…
I feel sort of selfish and mean. On the other hand I feel forced by B to habe this meeting at some point. As if I do not have a say, and mainly bc it would help A. I do not want to help her.
So now you all see what a mean person I actually am. But I want to let get of this care all together, there is an evaluation with the municipality next week to evaluate and then I will also bring it up.
I would just love your advice on what to do.
Thanks
Hello @leapyeargirl,
You do not seem mean at all; you seem assertive. If I were you, I would keep that in mind and stick to your guns, all while seeing if you can be connected to new people to talk to, as the ones that you mentioned seem disrespectful as all hell.
Best,
Anonymous
Hi @leapyeargirl ! What you’re going through sounds rough to do on your own, it’s good that you’re reaching out to others for advice.
First of all, I want to say that I am sorry that this happened to you. Having a caregiver in your private space not fully respect your boundaries and your comfort is never a good thing. There is some help in B wanting you to manage your feelings out loud with A in a safer environment with B working as the middle-person, if I understood correctly?
In some cases these can work well for the hurt participant as you get to stand up for yourself in a safer environment and gain important self-confidence in getting to practice these situations in a low-risk situation. But if you unwillingly participate in it you might hurt yourself if you’re prone to people pleasing and you’re feeling forced to accept this role.
Even if it is healthy to face and converse with those, who hurt us, doesn’t mean it is important enough to risk your peace of mind. Small incidents related to chemistry are easier to solve than outright boundary-breaking with touching, attempts at lying or gaslighting and unnecessary chewing around a person who is clearly troubled by it are far worse.
There’re a lot of abusive caregivers with all disabled people, especially the ones who are least abled can get the worst of it. You are in no position to have to accept such abuse and you have the right to protect your peace by swapping the person to another without further meetings.
You have to think about yourself first. Would this meeting do you any good? If the answer is no, you can practice standing up for yourself with B and stand your ground on your decision. As you said, you’re not responsible for A’s job performance or anything really. Most likely the meeting has more to do with the company and them defending on A’s position. If you agree they most likely will think the hurt was lesser than if you’re honest about not wanting to meet with her.
I think you’ve done an amazing job in looking after your best interest. As @Anonymous_User1 said, you sound assertive. Too many times women/girls are labeled as mean or bossy or other negative adjectives just for sticking up for themselves and that’s simply wrong. You don’t have to enforce this negative self-talk with yourself by casting doubt on your actions or labeling your actions as mean. You’re inspirational as hell honestly. I’m not always able to being this assertive and whenever I am I am hecking proud of myself and feel gleeful for days after.
Celebrate yourself for knowing your worth. Take care 
Thank you, it helps to know other people don’t see me as mean.
Yes B wants to do a kind of mediation in the form of a meeting.
I think you are hitting the nail on the head. I feel forced into the conversation and that would lead to a bad meeting. If I had the idea I made the choice out of my own free will things would be different. But B telling me I should do the meeting bc that would be fair to A feels like emotional blackmail and I hate that. I have noticed that my feelings toward B have also changed bc of this, as I feel she is also trying to disrespect my boundaries by trying to force me into this meeting. Even though she has called off the meeting that was planned, she is still quite persistent in getting me to say yes.
If I would agree to the meeting it would be to stand up for myself, but doing it bc A is entitled to having it talked out feels like the absolute wrong reason to go through with it.
I will let the lady from the municipality know that my needs have changed, and see if maybe an other organisation could help me better for the last part of my process.
I hate that this happened and also that I did not show her the door right away as I probably should have done.
At first part of me thought maybe this could be mended by talking but my trust in her has been totally broken and I dont think it will come back.