Hi,
I’ve been recently let go from my job, also looking for new place. Thats not the point. I’m not just stuck. I feel like I have become someone else. Not in a good way. I know some women change after they have kids, and I thought that maybe it was motherhood. (I gave birth to my daughter in 2010) Unfortunately, it’s way more. I’m weaker. I’m not social. I feel like I’m someone else. I need to make new friends and my depression and being a mom makes that last on my priority list. Even if I could, I feel like I forget how to be me. Who am I? It’s so weird. Forgetting what I used to be like. who I am. How do I tap into myself when I can’t remember so much? Why can’t I remember? Is it the depression? Why is it that I can’t remember most of my childhood either? Im not schizophrenic or anything like that. Not even bipolar. The only thing one doc said was BIPOLAR DEPRESSION and that was only one doctor. They basically said it’s you’re depressed or either more depressed with small bouts of hypo mania which is not the manic depression that some people think of with the really high highs. It’s really hard when I feel like I’m on the outside looking in sometimes. Then there are times when I feel perfectly normal. I am capable of normalcy (I can hold a full-time job, I’m a full-time mom, etc) It’s just this horrible darkness and something I can’t describe. That’s depression, anxiety, panic disorder, past trauma and recovery I guess. I’m seeing a therapist, psych doctor, and eating healthier than I used to (although I’ve never been overweight) I am about 15 lbs overweight now… Some would say I’m not overweight… I want to be happy in my own skin. It’s from my last sedentary job and poor eating habits from stress. ANYWAY… I digress. It’s just I’ve lost touch with friends and family and I’m so alone. I forget what it’s like to be truly loved for me and not my body. I used to be an exotic dancer in my 20’s and then after I had my daughter I feel like don’t have as much to offer or anything. I’m ADHD. I’m just… I am A mistake that shouldn’t have been born. My mom was the child of a rape. So literally I shouldn’t be here. I grew up watching her cry. All-day. All the time. Never learned to love me. I’ve been through some things people see in movies. I’m strong but weak. I’m only weak when I’m lonely. That’s bad. I need to get that 20
Year old mentality that I can do anything, I wasn’t scared of anyone or anything. In a good way. Not the stripper part- that was bad. But how do I channel that? How do I channel my inner 20-year-old who when faced with some scary things, didn’t flinch and overcame all obstacles in her way? Any thoughts? I need to be strong for my baby girl. I need to stop feeling sorry for.myself but I am stuck in a rut and just want to give up. Even now…My writing is even bad. Sigh.
I’m sorry you are in rough patch. Just letting you know that this community loves you. You are not alone. You will get through this. We believe in you.
Thanks, i appreciate it.
Hey @Blueyz8288,
I understand your heart, the feelings of being alone with no one and that you’re so very tired. But one thing, I have also noticed from reading you’re story is that you are an exceptionally strong and determined woman. The ability to be the child of a rape victim, and be with your mother through those situations, grow and support, not just yourself, but your child also by any means possible, makes you stronger than any diagnosis any medical professional can label you with.
That raging fire of confidence, you’ve once had has gone no where, once the human brain has obtained a skill, you don’t lose it, in summary, you don’t lose ability, you lose efficacy. This is life, it changes. Sometimes, for better, others for worse, the only thing you can ultimately control is you.
Blueyz8288, I beg of you, do not let your diagnosis and circumstances define you. Let your earth shattering story of triumph define your still-being-explored character.
With Love,
D.
Hi friend,
I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. So much of what you express here, I have found myself saying at some point. Different things that have gone on in my life have made me feel like I have become a different person and slipped so far from who I want to be.
I found myself turning more and more into a person that I didn’t want to be. I felt like a monster. Like you, I felt weak. I was extremely anti social. I was locking myself away and never going outside. I was so unhappy and miserable.
For me it was due to unhappiness in my marriage and the inability to fix it no matter how hard I tried. The toxic environment I lived in. A part of it was my toxic family and some of my unhealthy friends. It all fed into it and made it worse.
There came a point where I had to ask myself how I could change and fix how unhappy I was. How I could make myself feel more like myself and somehow rediscover happiness. It’s not always that easy. Especially if you find yourself without a job and having to job search. That’s more stress on your plate.
But there is a way.
What kind of things make you happy and do you enjoy? Do you enjoy yogo or exercising? What about Zumba? Rock climbing? Do you enjoy art? Painting? Scrapbooking? What kinds of things do you enjoy and could you work into your life somehow to bring you a sense of enjoyment?
Another thing would be to cut out anyone in your life that may be feeding how you feel. Keeping only those that are healthy for you. People who lift you up, encourage you and bring goodness into your life. I’ve had to filter a lot of people out of my life and that made a huge change all on its own.
I’m glad that you are seeing a therapist because if anyone can help you, it’s going to be them. Just continue to be open and honest with them so that they can keep helping you work through things the best that she can. It’s so important.
Mental illness is a hard thing to battle through. I know because I currently do as well, but it is possible to come through all of this. Trust your doctors and stick to any treatment plan they give you. And if you ever feel uncomfortable with one of your Doctors be sure to speak up so they can find you a new one.
I’m so sorry for what your mother has to go through. For you having to grow up knowing that and dealing with it. And I’m sorry that you are struggling so much now.
I may not know how to fix this situation but I want you to know that you are loved, valued and important! Your feelings are valid! And we want to be a support and encouragement for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.
I know it’s hard now, but as we figure ourselves out what works for us, we can heal and recover. It takes time, patience and dedication but it is possible.
So much love to you my friend.
- Kitty
Thanks Kitty, that was helpful really, I appreciate it. I need any feedback/help that I can get. I wasn’t expecting to actually get help here, but we’ll see. You and the other users give me a teeny tiny glimmer of hope about this site. Hopefully that will turn to hope about the future.
Please don’t stop giving feedback. You and everyone else. It helps. 