Hey guys, FallenAngelCarolyn here. I haven’t written in a while and tonight I really needed to. Everything is crumbling down around me. I lost my best friend to suicide last night. I couldn’t be there for her. My best friend took her last breath, surrounded by strangers. I’m not handling it well at all. I relapsed on self harm, badly. I’ve locked myself in my room, not speaking to anyone, not even my family. I can’t help but to feel as though this is somehow my fault. Like if I had just been there for her more she would still be alive right now. I can’t help but want to join her in heaven. I could use some support, encouragement, words of advice on how to cope with this, and not give in to my urges to join her. I wish I was writing to you all under happier circumstances but sadly this is not the case.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, friend. Losing someone who you are so close to is never easy, I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. My heart goes out to you. I am so proud of you for posting though, that takes an incredible amount of strength with everything you are going through. You may feel like joining your friend, but please, you are needed here. Your life matters. Your voice matters. You can be the difference for someone else, including yourself. I do not doubt for a second that there were countless times you were there for your beloved friend, keeping them afloat for another moment. Its not your fault. And it never will be. We all make choices in life and under painful circumstances, its incredibly hard to see anything positive. You have already chosen a more positive approach, you’re here asking for support from people who deeply care for you and your well-being. I wish things were different and you didn’t have to go through this, but we are here for you no matter what. Post as often as you need. Tag me if you want. I’ll listen, as will many others. Know you are loved, cared for, you matter, and are valued here in this community. My heart goes out to you. Hold fast, dear friend.
It’s not something that might make you feel good, but I always watch the scene in good will hunting when Robert William’s tells Matt damon it isn’t his fault, just watch that, a few times, and remember it isn’t your fault, that you matter, that you matter enough for a stranger over the internet to take time and point out that you matter. I really care about you, and I hope that this helps
This is not your fault.
I’m sorry your friend passed away, but I want you to realize that it isn’t your fault. Your friend wasn’t in a good head space, and she decided to end it instead of looking for help. You can’t know everything that’s going to happen and you aren’t responsible for her actions. I doubt that she would want you to be self harming because of this OR joining her where she’s at because of this. I know it hurts that she’s gone. You need to just take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, and get through this the best that you can.
@CarolynIsAFallenAnge This is not your fault.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Like others said before: it’s not your fault. Not at all. There’s no word to describe that level of pain, but we all want you to stay safe. And if speaking to someone if too difficult for you right now, then I’m really glad you managed to write this message, so we can be here for you.
You’re not responsible for what happened. It was an act of despair, but this will never question your friendship and the affection you have for each other. Hold on to that love. There’s no doubt she would like for you to be safe, despite the circumstances. Cry as much as you need. Write here as much as you need. This community is here for you. We care about you and we love you.