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From fragrantly_odious: I just left a 12 year relationship which wasn’t very good for the last few years. It left some awful impressions on me and some trauma that I’m having a hard time moving past. It’s my first day home with family away from my ex but my ex is still talking to me and making me feel like everything’s my fault.

I already have self abuse problems that I’m trying to work away from but it’s just getting worse… I’m with family and it’s helping me a bit but they’re not at home a lot of the time and it’s taking it’s toll on me being alone. I’m trying to distract myself but it’s so hard. I cant focus on TV, I can’t focus on games, I can’t focus on anything really. Severe brain fog amongst cptsd from other issues. My ex is constantly in my head and he still messages me and tells me he’s going to be supportive but then blamed me for stuff and then disappears. It’s like a horrible mental game he’s playing it feels like and I just can’t deal with it any more.
I have had suicidal tendencies on and off my whole life since I was 14 and it’s so hard keeping the negative thoughts away. I try to ground myself in reality and I try to distract myself but it just doesn’t work. I need a social group to try and forget about him but it’s so hard. I originally planned to be part of this community to help people but it hasn’t gotten any easier for me.
There’s so much I have to do including seeing a doctor for the first time in 7 years and then job searching but I’m absolutely overwhelmed and just can’t calm down or even sleep.

I came home on the plane, a 10 hour flight, and it’s been at least 48+ hours and ive only had a couple of hours sleep in total… I’m so exhausted yet I can’t sleep at the same time because I can’t stop thinking about him.

Help me :sob:

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Hey there, thank you so much for reaching out and for sharing what you’re going through. I want you to know that first and foremost, being honest takes so much strength and courage, and you are NOT alone in this difficult time.

I can’t imagine how overwhelmed you must feel right now. Dealing with relationship issues, brain fog, loneliness, and sleeplessness can all add up to a storm of self-deprecation and depression. It feels like you can’t physically stand any more problems, and then another dark, despairing thought pops up and fills you with more and more hopelessness. I’m so sorry that your ex has left you with trauma and continues to remind you of what you bravely left behind after 12 years. It’s like, at the LEAST can I can go to sleep and not think about it for a second?? And then even sleep feels impossible because all these thoughts are swimming around your head and making you feel more anxious and lead you to question yourself again and again.

In my own struggles with anxiety and depression, I felt like I had so much on my plate that I needed to be doing, but I just couldn’t. I felt isolated from the ones who loved me most and I couldn’t even sleep because of the anxiety attacks that kept me awake until 5am. It’s so hard to endure those moments of life that overwhelm you in literally every way, day and night. And while I so wish I had the key that would solve these problems for you, unfortunately no person does.

BUT, I do know for a fact that you are not suffering alone right now. Life can SUCK sometimes, and WOW does it feel like it’d be easier to just let go and give up sometimes. But I want you to know my friend that I am so happy you are here, that you are breathing still, and that you exist. No matter how others treat you, how your ex treats you, or what those anxious thoughts speak to you, I want you to know that you are so much more beautiful and valuable than all the self-deprecating darkness.

For me, in those moments of despair, clinging to the simple truth that I am loved eternally and that there IS hope beyond this season has given me the strength to keep fighting for another breath. Because I know that no matter how you feel right now, you deserve to be here and there is a God who loves you exactly as you are, and there is nothing you can do to deserve it or change it. No matter what you believe, you were made for a purpose beyond this season, and this darkness does not have the ultimate power over you. I know it’s really, really hard right now, and it might not end right away. But in this season, know that you are not suffering alone, that you are cared for beyond what you see, and that I am thinking of you and praying for you right now. Thank you for being here and for being who you are, friend.