Need some advice

How do you tell someone they are one of your stressors in life I’ve been living with my mom for a couple of months now and well it’s really hard she is such a force that sucks the joy and life out of me just being around her it’s been this way long before she broke her hip she just is such a negative person and force that she just makes me miserable my brother tried telling her she’s that way for his mental health and she deflected it back on him saying it’s his fault


Honestly, I believe that there comes a situation with people like “that”, where you can say it as sweet as sugar, and there’s still a negative reaction. My aunt is bipolar, and uses it to excuse toxic behavior all the time. With the loss of her son, it’s only gotten worse. I’ve gently “suggested” she may need to seek counseling, and it was several “reasons” on why she didn’t think she could go.

If you don’t feel you say can that she’s causing you stress (ie: “look, we’re both upsetting each other”)-- then your best course of action that I would say would be to stay in your room away from her, or go on a walk. Anything to keep your distance, but also calm you down. If your situation’s anything like mine, unfortunately sometimes you have to “grin and bear it”, and it sucks.

I’m hoping you can get some peace soon, hun.

1 Like

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey, Derpplup! Telling someone something like that is always difficult. Maybe remind her that you are there to help out but that doesn’t give her the right to make your life unnecessarily difficult and that you should be treated like an adult and with respect. I’m not sure if that would help. I know you’ve been having issues with your relationship for a very long time.

Just getting out of the house when she is a bit much might at least help you detox from her temporarily. Maybe even say “I need to go for a walk because you are stressing me out too much right now” or something as you leave.
I hope you find some ways to help communicate your feelings with her. Good luck :hrtlegolove:

1 Like


it is really hard to reason with people who get defensive. Your mum probably doesn’t understand that you’re not trying to attack her, just help her see things in another light, but she’s in that place at the moment. Do you feel that there would ever be a way to address this with her without it escalating? Maybe there is a different style of communication that works better for her.

I think sometimes taking a moment to leave the situation gives space for everyone to have a breather and reflect. Give time for everyone’s emotions to become less heightened and then try reapproach.

1 Like


Hi Derpplup, That’s a good question and something that need a lot of discernment. My father is toxic too and I know if I approached him in any type of tone, he would take it negatively because he doesn’t think he has a problem. Your mother has already reacted badly to your brother confronting her, so she may do the same with you. The only way I can see it working is if you approaches her using Non Violent Communication which is a therapy skill I’ve learned. It sounds kind extreme, but it just helps you approach situations in a way that doesn’t put the other person on defense. ~Mystrose

1 Like

From: twixremix

hi derpplup,

it’s always an obstacle when we identify how someone brings more negative than positive into our lives. communicating it especially is the hardest part to making an impact on the stress in your life. it sounds like she’s had this same conversation with your brother and wasn’t receptive to his feedback.

since you requested some advice, i’ll share what has worked for me when i’ve been in a similar situation. people shut down or deflect when they hear anything they do wrong typically. so how i go about telling someone they’re causing me stress/harm is to come from a place of empathy. i share how i’ve noticed their mood has trended downwards and that i’m concerned for them. by coming from a place of genuine care, it allows the person to look at what is causing this noticeable problem and not feel attacked when doing so. your mom might come back and say how breaking her hip has kept her from doing all she could before. you might have to prepare for her to ask you for help in things she can’t do as well now with the broken hip but i’d rather anyone do the laundry than have their energy and happiness be destroyed by someone they have to live with.

i hope this insight could help you brainstorm how you’d like to approach this, my friend! i am sending you all the strength, love, and energy you need to find your peace and happiness again because you deserve that. i believe in you!


Hey Derpplup,

I am sorry that you are continuing to have a hard time dealing with your family. I know you’ve been dealing with the stress of this for a bit. It can be very hard to deal with the situation you are in, where a loved one puts so much stress on you, especially if you live with them. Finding some distance from them in order to cool down when you get stressed out can be very helpful. Especially if they don’t seem to be receptive to hearing your thoughts on them, it could be best to find a way to vent off the frustration. Take a breath, and a moment to yourself. It’s a hard situation, but you are doing your best.

Best of luck to you, friend.

1 Like

From: Mamadien

Derpplup, I’m sorry that you are having to care for someone who is negative and needy in such an intense way. Sometimes, it’s really not easy to tell someone in a healthy way that they are increasing the stress levels for everyone. The only thing I can think of is to do it in a way that doesn’t confront them. Perhaps more statements of I feel or I think rather than ‘you say’ or ‘you do’. Is there a way you and your brother can talk about a best way to support each other through this time? Meantime, try to take enough time away from mom, doing things that relax and refresh yourself.

1 Like

From: Rohini_868

hi Derpplup,

first of all, I want to say that 'm glad you’re here, and i love that you are sharing your thoughts so clearly with us. Thank you for that trust and I hope that you feel safe here, and supported and loved.

You are a caregiver right now, and that is such a difficult, demanding job. Might be an unpaid one, but to me it’s a fulltime job! I know it’s been rough, but I do see a marked difference in the tone of this post. More reflective.

You can’t change your mom, but you can try to protect your heart a bit from her. She’s frustrated by her injuries, and doesn’t hae the right mental tools or tricks or strategies to be able to more effectively communicate her pain. If she has always been this way, then it’s unlikely she will be able to change without therapy or counseling. So let’s see how best we can help you to cope, and how best we can help you protect yourself from her reactions. We can help you through this. You’re doing an awesome job, and an important job. Be proud of that.

1 Like