Need to clear my mind

Already dreading writing this, because I already feel it’s going to be a long message. I normally write these things on paper and can never get the whole point out as my mind just wonders off on certain points. Going to try writing it here now, as then there is at least a chance someone else would read it and I can get a completely unbiased reply. Mostly this is just to vent and hopefully clear my mind.

So…where to start…I guess the main thing on my mind most of the time is that I hate (maybe too strong of a word, maybe not) how much I love someone. It’s nearly 10 years that we have known each other now. When we first met we got together for less than a year, then she broke up with me. 2 years after that we got together again and less than a year again we broke up. She broke up with me both times, kept bouncing around reasons which didn’t really make any sense and in the end it just boiled down to the fact that she has commitment issues. After the second time I’ve kept telling myself that I can’t let myself get back with her, because one way or another I feel like it will just end again and the only logical thing to do after the 3rd would be to have absolutely nothing to do with her to stop all this pain. I love having her in my life though, she brightens up my day when I see her, talk to her… Most of the time at least.
Her last boyfriend she had a bad relationship with, pushed everyone away because of it thinking this guy was worth it. So I didn’t hear anything from her for some time, a few months at least. Then I get a message from her, saying they broke up. She had realised how bad he was for her and wasn’t happy with where she was. Out of all the people she cut out of her life due to this relationship, she said the one person she can’t do without is me. She even said a while after this that she would have done anything to correct things between us and didn’t expect me to just accept things as I did.
This brings me up to about a year ago now. Things are going well as friends, we are talking as we normally do, she mentions things about guys shes talking to from dating sites and it doesn’t bother me that much. Then people start asking if we were back together again. I think this is what got it in my head again about my feelings for her. She brought it up the odd time… Looking back maybe she wanted looking for my reaction and hoping I wanted the same? Maybe I’m just looking to much into it though, I try not to linger on that. This did lead onto us coming to the conclusion that if neither of us meet anyone in 10 years or so we would just get back together… Not entirely sure on how I feel about this though. In some sense I want to be able to find someone else, but I find it hard just meeting new people in general never mind finding that kind of connection with some as well. Then again, when I try using dating apps I find myself very uninterested in other people and I think that may be my feelings towards her.
Anyways, just recently she seems very interested in another guy she’s started talking to. Again, I was pretty fine with it, after all I want her to be happy, I don’t expect her not to get with anyone and I want to try and meet someone else as well. Then she started complaining about things he’s been doing. Pretty much ignoring her or barely talking to her. I’m here for her, listening to her complaints, comforting her when she needs someone, I always have been. As it goes on she talks about him a bit less each day. Then out of know where, she seeming randomly tells me that she is going to meet him for a day. When I saw that message I didn’t know what to think. So I just supported it, thinking that it isn’t my place to say anything else and so I should accept it and hope things go well for her… Starting to loose track of what I’m wanting to say now, but that last part is what has just sent my mind racing now.
There was some other points that I had in my mind before writing this, didn’t think I would go this far in this message just over this. Guess I didn’t realise just how much this alone was playing on my mind. This has helped me calm my thoughts a somewhat at least, so I guess I’ll leave it there. Not sure if any of this really makes any sense, but feel if I go over it it’ll only deter me from actually posting it.

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The feeling of love is such a powerful one isnt it ? I feel sometimes it can really suck who our hearts are drawn to. It can bring you down if someone you love is not someone who will work out as a romantic partner. However I think its good you and this girl can still remain friends as long as it does not really bring you bad feelings and she does not mess with your head ? Try to focus on yourself! Love can make you feel all kinds of crazy ways. Remember no matter what you are loved & important.

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Thank you @cs15
I know she used to mess with my head, but don’t feel like she has been doing recently.

This helped clear my mind a lot, I’ll make sure to keep that in mind. Thank you.

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Just be cautious talking with her if you know she has done that in the past. Your worth is too high for you to associate with someone that messes with you. Its good if you think shes gotten better. Glad to help friend !

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Ok, so I’m hoping that my mind is just over thinking things because I haven’t had all that good of a week, but she may actually still be messing with me. Either way the best thing I can do now is just focus on me and crack on, but not the best thing to come to really feeling that someone just has you around as a back-up.
Again, this is from my head overthinking mostly I think. I don’t really have anything to base this on other than a gut feeling pretty much.

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