Need to get some things off my chest

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hello. this is my first post here. and im sorry if this ends up being a little too long, and also english isnt my first language so i apologise in advance if there is any confusion i just have no one to talk to about this, and i just want to get everything off of my chest. firstly i’d state that im 15F, and perhaps a lot of these issues could be a result of just “growing up” but i feel like i cannot bottle this up in me anymore either.

i struggle with myself. ive always been a top student, ive always been sort of well liked by all teacher, im extroverted, ive friends who i can rely on, ive a loving home, a loving family and yet so often do i wonder…why continue? the one thing my parents dont understand is my mental health. my dad tries to, my mom just doesnt get it because it seems to me she never went through such issues, so she doesnt understand them much. i feel suffocated in my own home sometimes…yes, i love my parents. but i need some privacy too, i need some control too. i wish i had some. i used to write in a diary in grade 8 when i was going through stuff (2021) and i continued writing in it. but one day they just read it. and instead of giving some practical solution or asking me how i feel, i was just banned from writing diaries. like ok? that wont fix sh*t mom and dad.
ive also been a very emotional kid, and i used to cry easily just getting scolded and stuff, and this one time i kid you not i was crying and my mom got mad at me for crying and started scolding me for it. and ever since then ive just gotten good at silent crying. now, i veiw crying as something illegal, never to be done under my parents’ roof. im sorry if these do not come off as issues strong enough to cause a mid life crisis, either the issue is too deep for me to be able to express it properly, or maybe it isnt at all deep but it still affects me the same im tired of feeling this way ever since teenage started.

i also have esteem issues, i never felt good enough…in any way. not capable enough, not pretty enough, not likable enough, not smart enough, just not enough…i do not feel enough. i wish i did. i wish i was self satisfied. that would feel amazing. and i know, anyone reading this might suggest get a new hobby! work on urself! this and that, and i understand i truly do…but the issue with being in a strict home and a high schooler is - ive no time, no privacy, and no resources. im not short of money, i just dont have a good enough explanation to pursue anything. and even if i did get into something, i dont know…i get bored of it or maybe i dont get time for it and it slowly fades away and end the end is just regarded as a phase of mine. i used to draw and stuff, into the art-sy side but i dont know, i never felt appreciated enough. there was always someone better at something id be interested it. always would be over shadowed in that realm. its not that i dont have qualities people dont appreciate, but its that the qualities i wish were appreciated are never. and what bugs me more is - these qualities do get appreciate; just in others not me. if someone else also drew, for some reason even if my art was “better” (art is subjective but when i mean better i mean better proportions etc) the person with the mediocre drawing would get more attention i never understood why. maybe because i never cried for attention or maybe because i chose to stay humble and sit down in that moment, but i was never appreciated for what i wished to specifically get appreciated for. im sorry if i come off as low but im a human, im a social animal i drive off of this attention yk?

now lets come to something which has sort of ruined me. and i guess i let it, so maybe im accountable as well. i’ve been dating a boy for 9 months now. and hes super nice and cute and chill and i love him but hes just not mentally stable in any way. i suspect he’s bipolar, and hes schizo too in some way as he often hallucinates and has “voices”. and i dont even have an issue with people who have these conditions, but with my boyfriend the thing is, every now and then. 9 months we’ve been struggling with this, i thought i could fix him, no really could. but that never happened. so many years of trauma he’s been through which is just not fixable - at least by me, not a professional in any way. every other day ive to go through him telling me to leave him and that i deserve better. but if i were to say “okay, i’ll respect your wish and stay away from you” he goes nuts realising he actually doesnt want me away. easier said than done i suppose. and i talked to 2 of my closest and realest friends who always look out for me about this, and theyve suggested breaking up. but i just cannot. im so inlove with him, even a second spent without him seems wasted. but its also ruining me. i stuck between - “try harder” and “why bother?” i just cannot take this anymore. i do not wish to break up AT ALL. and if someone in the replies suggests to - im so sorry but im just so attached it doesnt appear to be right choice to make at all. being with him affects me, being without him would more. not to mention hes so damn attached to me its crazy. yes he loves me, im certain but hes also obsessed with me. hes says without me he has nothing to live for and he’d probably end it if i ever left and its not even in some “guilt tripping” way, because never once have i suggested breakin up - so why would he guilt trip me? plus hes so mentally fcked he self harms himself makes all sorts or suicidal attempts (though he fails, i thank god) and he does want to live, but its just for me. ive nothing left to do. only to wait. just to wait until there is nothing left to wait for. im just stuck in a dream. i cannot deal with this sht anymore, i cannot im so sorry. no im not suicidal, but the only solution is running away and starting a new life. but i know im way too much of a coward to do that, and its not even practical. i need to stop talking like a person stuck in a dream. but i just cannot do this, taking care of him, and myself while focusin on my studies, my friends, working my butt of for college, keeping up with expectations parents have with me. im so overwhelmed. i just want solitude. i just want to sit there, and stare into abyss (well not really but sounds fun) i just want to stay at home, do what i love, worry about nothing and live life just for the joy of living. is it too much to dream of?

lastly, id just like to thank anyone who even took their time off to read this. it means so much to me. i dont think this will be my last post though, still so much to get off my chest but this is all i could process right now. peace.

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Hey @sadnesspart1

Thanks so much for being brave and sharing. And welcome to the community!

First of all, I think you should pursue what you love, sounds like you were really into art. I’ve played guitar for a long time and felt similarly - I’d feel like I’m growing out of it, and come back to it every so often, felt like nothing would pan out. What helped me in that is realizing that it’s ok - it’s ok to break from it, it’s ok to do it for no one else but myself. In fact I find more joy in just noodling on a guitar alone than I ever have in a band.

This is a really heavy subject. But I can relate in some ways and have been through some similar things. It can be so hard to be attached to someone that is self destructive and needs help. It can often feel isolating because not everyone can understand what we deal with and want to put up with looking from the outside in. What’s helped me in my past was pushing therapy and psychological help for the person I cared about and realizing that I’m only supposed to try and work on fixing myself through reaching out on what I need. All I could do was encourage them and in the end make sure that they were healthy and I was safe - and the rest was up to them. We often feel like we can control a situation if we just do a certain thing, but I’ve found all we can do is control ourselves - no matter what that means, how much it hurts, or how selfish it might seem it’s not, I promise. You have a long life ahead of you and there are so many things that I know you will accomplish and do well at. Lastly, what ultimately helps me is ensuring that doing for myself before I do for others and a ton of things work out, I become more charged, I feel more grounded in myself, and I can show up the way others may need me to. Your decisions are your’s alone, and I for one support you and think you can make the right ones for you and the people you love.
Please ensure your safety over everything else in the situations you encounter.
Cheers!

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Hi there sadnesspart1,

Thanks so much for writing in. I’m so happy you have taken the time to write, to lift these really important things off your chest, and I am happy that you have given me the chance to be here to listen, and to share my thoughts.

I just want to start by saying I’m proud of you. You made a decision here to try something new, to approach these issues you are facing in a new way by sharing these very personal things with someone you don’t even know. That takes alot of courage, and even though you do feel this lack of worth, this frustration and overwhelm I see a fire inside you that is going to help you find peace.

With that being said, what you are facing here is real, it is so hard, and even though this probably all feels impossible and like there’s no way out, I see someone who is taking the steps to make a change, and if you want to feel better, I believe in you. I also see someone here who does so much for the wellbeing of other people in their life (you really care about your boyfriend and your family), while also honouring this part of you that is crying for your help, crying out for change.

It brings me both anger, and sadness to hear that you have been put in a place where you aren’t able to express yourself, I imagine it feels like your own agency has been taken away, I would feel so powerless and trapped, and I’m so sorry you have to experience this. It also brings me pain to hear that you feel like you can’t express your emotions. You deserve to put your thoughts on paper, you deserve to cry when you feel it, and you should never have to censor those things for anyone else, you should never have to sacrifice your mental health to please others. I want to ask if you feel like you have been able to find any other outlets that have given you the same feeling you had writing in your journal, or anything that gives you the feeling of release you get when crying? If not you are more than welcome to continue sharing here, and we are happy to continue supporting you through this, you are not alone anymore.

I also wanted to thank you for sharing about this feeling of not being good enough. I know how real this feels, and it is something I continue to deal with as an adult, however I want to tell you that this feeling can change, and there is hope. As you are sharing your experience, I see someone who is being curious about these painful emotions - and I just want to point out how amazing this is. You are approaching all of these difficult situations with curiosity, from a place of learning - and I want to encourage you to continue approaching all of these things in your life from that place. The truth about healing, about solving problems in our lives is that each of us holds the key, we are the experts of ourselves, and if you continue to feel like things aren’t working, that something is hurting you, or dangerous, or is not serving you in the ways you deserve, it is about listening to that voice that is looking out for you and making some hard decisions that will get you to a place of starting to feel worthy. Something else that is coming up for me here, is around this idea of being appreciated, seen and validated by other people. This desire to be noticed, to be loved, to be appreciated by other people is completely normal, we are beings who thrive in connection, and it is part of our survival and it is completely normal to desire those things. Self-worth however, can never be given to us, I spent alot of my life trying to impress people, trying to be successful so that other people would see me, and love me, but after 30 years of looking for other people to validate me, I realized that this feeling of worth could only come from within me. So while I do encourage you to continue seeking connection and community, I also encourage you to spend time alone to learn what the things are that really light you up, that make you happy when no one is watching. Challenge yourself to continue trying things, experimenting, be patient and okay with failing, learn to love failing, learn to love the process, and it’s okay if you lose interest, but never lose hope in finding that thing that lights you up, because it is out there, and the most beautiful things in life require us to become versions of ourselves that we never thought we could be.

Once again here, I just want to say that I am really impressed with how dedicated you are to your boyfriend, it sounds like he is going through a tough journey himself, and the fact that you are still there, trying to help him heal really says alot about you and how dedicated you are, and how much you care. I do also agree that you are not a professional, and there is only a certain amount that someone in your position can do. If someone in my life was really struggling, contemplating self harm and suicide, the most important thing I could do for that person and for myself would be to help them get professional help. Do you feel like you are able to help them with that?

Your dreams of peace, solitude and doing what you love are completely reasonable, and I can tell you they are a few hard decision away from your grasp. I believe in you, and I want you to know that I am here to help support you through these times, you got this,

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hello TheTogah…Thank you so much for replying! It means a lot to me.

I see where you’re going with this. I really do understand what you mean and though I keep trying my best I dont know why that is but, no matter what I do these days I feel so empty. Maybe its the Seasonal gloominess getting to me haha. But thank you <3 Thank you for comforting me in the idea that its okay to let go and come back to it sometimes. I guess I really needed to hear that.

As for the relationship, Im so glad you learned your lessons throughout you journey through life. I try my very best to push my partner to therpay…but maybe its the stigma created by the society of my country or maybe because we’re minors he just doesnt get the help needed. Though we both will be 18 in around 2 years. All I can do is wait I guess and be there for them without trying to gain control of everything.

Once again, I thank you for taking your precious time off not only to read my post but also reply to it.

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Hello jfritzart,
Thank you so much for replying it means a lot to me <3

I’d like to start off by saying reading this made me tear up a bit. Your words touched my soul and thank you so very much for being this compassionate. You said some things which I’ve been longing to hear and I thank you for it.

Thank you for believing in me, everyday I try my very best, and I’m much overwhelmed to know someone caught a glimpse of it, even if I didnt give off much through my post to assert anything for certain.

To be honest, the only things I enjoy in the moment which bring me some peace is crying it all out and perhaps watching depressing content. Maybe it feeds the sadness inside of me or maybe I relate to it and it brings me comfort but somber media (of any sort) brings me a sense of not feeling alone…I guess. Other than that I love socialising, but Ive been busy and we live in a big city so my parents dont let me go out much (I dont blame them - it can be both expensive and time consuming even if its a small hang out with friends) But even if I did get to hangout with people everyday when I come back home and lie on my bed the overthinking returns and I start to feel ever so lonely.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with esteem as well. Its comforting to know Im not alone. We got this though!! Thank you for putting my feelings in a different life. It feels…I dont know…I feel seen though. Its like my feelings are being validated. Thank you so much I needed this so bad <3 Maybe yes, it is okay to feel like this and when the time is right I’ll be alright, I’ll come out stronger :))
You’re completely right about the part about self worth. Deep down I know what you’re saying is right. But I guess I need time to really you know let go of this pleasing attitude of mine.

Im trying my best to push him off to therapy, but since we’re both minors and he has toxic parents + the very stigma created around therapy in our country I dont know if it’ll be possible at least this month though he did tell me he talked to his dad about it and I guess they’ll arrange a counsellor of some sorts. Any help is appreciated at this point.

Again, thank you for validating my feelings and sharing your insights on the matter. Made my day light up. Thank you so much <3
cheers!

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Not a problem at all. Im in the US - and though it could be hard I love going to therapy and have been every week for two years. It makes a difference. For everyone. Make sure to keep yourself safe above all else. You deserve that, and you have internal worth beyond measure!

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thank youuu soo much i really appreciate it. yes, i’ll make sure to keep myself safe above all else. thank you for your kind words. makes a great impact <3