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“Negative” outweighing the “positive”

It hurts when you finally realize and come to accept that someone you felt love for is not actually how you wanted to see them. It hurts when their negative traits start to outweigh the positive. It hurts when the things you don’t like about them number higher than the things that you do like about them. It hurts when there are blaring red flags but you want to stick around because without them you’ll still feel empty. It hurts because you wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. It hurts that you’re going to have to start over again. It hurts that being around them has become part of your daily life and now you’re the one choosing to leave. It hurts that the things you dislike about them are seen as “normal” in today’s society, even though such things can actually be harmful. It hurts because they don’t see the harmful things as a problem. It hurts because you would never try to change the people you loved, but you wish that they would be better people for their own good. It hurts that you’re passing judgement because who are you to pass judgement? It hurts because it feels like you tried to fight for them and to build something positive but you feel like a failure. It hurts because you tried to see the bright side, but you were only blinded by the good things that you wanted to see. It hurts because you have to leave before you hurt them. It hurts because you have to let go.
I’m tired of trying to find someone I can truly connect with. Maybe that’s my own problem. People will always tell me that my standards are too high. I’m not striving for perfect, but I refuse to compromise my own values.
This morning, I went out to mail something and the world seemed so vast and I seemed so small in it. I felt insignificant. I just wanted to lie down in the road and let the cars pass over me.
I know that my self worth shouldn’t come from others. But I want to share my life with someone; someone who I’m willing to fight for. Someone who I can share happy things with. Someone who can see the “bad” things in me and still love me and stay- basically someone who is willing to do what I cannot right now. Maybe I just haven’t yet found the person I’m willing to fight for.
This isn’t even a breakup, but it hurts. I never let anything get started because I’d like to get to know people as friends, first. I feel that I’m at least losing a friend, and this hurts.

Everyone has their own faults. Whenever you enter a relationship with someone, you are 100% going to notice the faults in them just as they are going to notice the faults in you. However, there is a big difference in seeing someone for who you want them to be or how you want to see them vs. seeing them for who they as they really are. Take someone for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Having an open mindedness when meeting someone allows you to better understand them and to get to know them for who they are. In essence, empathy (being able to put yourself in their shoes) is a great trait to have in a relationship.

I believe it is not wrong in any way to have good morals/expectations for a relationship. I think much of society, especially this upcoming generation, does not have a direct or clear moral compass because there is a two-sided view to every topic and every controversy that it ultimately hard to figure out what side is best. I myself have strong values, ethics, and morals that I know I am not willing to compromise for the sake of getting into a relationship because I know what I want and who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And that is a hard pill to swallow because I want to be in a relationship and find real love. But patience is a virtue my friend. Keep focused on who you really are and who you want to be because when you do finally meet the right one, they will want to be with because of who you really are, just as you will want to be with them for who they really are. God bless friend!

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Thanks for sharing and I don’t think you should lower your standards. I think it’s noble that you want to share your life with someone who your willing to fight for and likewise they should fight for you. It always hurts losing a friend but it sounds like there is someone better matched for you, it’s just waiting on time to show that person. And with that being said I’ve always been someone who hates waiting on time, but it did make it worth it for me, if knowing that is any consolation.

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Thank you for your response :slight_smile:
Perhaps it’s ironic, but in knowing this person who I feel like I now have to distance myself from, I have learned to be more patient. I have learned more empathy. I stuck around long enough to try and figure out why they were/are acting certain ways, and hopefully I was able to help them grow. But ultimately this friendship and certain other friendships are not healthy for me, so I have to move on.
I believe in the concept of “for better or for worse” in marriage. I try to live by the idea that I’m not a fair weather friend and I’ll stick around even when times are rough. I like to think that I won’t run away and instead stay around long enough to work on my relationships together.
Thank you for your reassurances.

Thank you for your response and your reassurance. Waiting is so difficult, but I guess it is all I can truly do. I hope that the wait will be worth it and that I can recognize the right person when they show up in my life.

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From: dearkoyangi

I can relate as I’ve been there. It sucks when someone turns out to be not who you thought. And it sucks even more because you can’t change or help people that don’t want help or to change. It doesn’t make you a failure. It’s important that you do what is best for you. It’s okay to step back if someone isn’t healthy for you. This person may not have been the right person right now, but it doesn’t mean you won’t find someone who will be. <3

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From: ladytapioca

Hey Friend I understand this for 3 years I was with a person who I thought was truly good and just put in a bad corner. I tried to prove their worth to others as I destroyed my own. This person molded me into a puppet and used me for years and even now after I left them bothers me to try and get me back. I can tell you It may not be a lover but you will find a friend who will accept you. Filling the cracks of our lives with love and help us heal allowing up to spread more helping others

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From: tromboness

Relationships are hard, but I think it’s commendable to hold to your standards. I also want to have someone to share life with; I just don’t know if I can find that someone. It’s easy to grow cynical of romantic love. I think it’s great to have your relationships based on friendships and building those friendships.

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Hey Mouse-- I’m sorry to hear you’re hurting right now. I can see from what you’ve written that you have a lot of love to give. I don’t know enough about the situation or other person to know what things they do to be problematic but if you feel you can’t be with them it sounds like you deep down know the right thing for you health. You will hurt right now because this IS like mourning a passing. When something/someone goes away that we’ve invested ourselves into emotionally for WHATEVER reason we will need to go through a period of mourning. But I will tell you while it may feel like this is how things will be going forward life has too many twists and turns and surprises to reasonably think it will be like this in the future. Things will get better. It may take a little time but that’s okay. We need that to fully heal. Take the time. Love and forgive yourself and get to the place where you can see this choice as a wise choice. Then you’ll be ready. Hold fast. You got this.

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Thank you for your kind words @DearKoyangi :slight_smile:
I wish that some people would change, but you’re definitely right that someone has to want help and want to change in order for them to do so. Thank you for saying that I’m not a failure and for reassuring me that it is okay to step away from this relationship. I hope that someday, when I’m healed, I’ll find the right person.

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Thank you for your reply, @LadyTapioca :slight_smile:
I can see myself going down a bad path if I choose to stay in my friendship; accepting the things I see as bad and starting to participate in them myself. Sometimes I do feel like a puppet; the person seems nice and genuine and I can’t help but want to help when they need help- whether it’s with something big or with a smaller task. They pull me in every time. I don’t always feel bad about helping, but sometimes I do feel used. I don’t know if I always am being used, maybe my perception is off because I’m not certain if I have healthier examples of relationships to compare to. Maybe it’s just hard for me to remember them.
I do hope that I find someone who accepts me, and I hope I can do the same for them.
Here’s hoping that as I heal by receiving love and loving myself, that I can give even more love to others.

Thank you for your response, @tromboness :slight_smile:
It is certainly difficult to keep fighting and to keep waiting for someone, the right one, to share romantic love with. As much as there is hope in me at times, my life experiences make me think more cynically. I tend to equate cynicism with “being realistic”. I don’t know anymore if that’s the truth or not.
I don’t believe that “friendzone” is a thing, but I prefer to get to know someone as a friend first without the added pressure of a romantic involvement and all the expectations that come with that.
I hope that you find the right person to share your love and your life with :slight_smile:

Thank you for your wise words, @Mantlebeard :slight_smile:
Deep down, I do know what I have to do.

This really clicks for me. Thank you for telling me that it’s okay to mourn this. I definitely need to mourn this loss; this loss of time, this loss of self worth, this loss of what I felt was at times love, this loss of what I thought and hoped could be a deeper relationship.

Grief has become such a normal part of my life. It’s hard to see the light on the other side. But saying that I need this time while I’m between things in order to heal, that makes a lot of sense. I’ll try to create positive habits to build me up; positive habits that I can continue even after I’ve healed. Things I can find self worth and self love in.

I will certainly need time and space away from this relationship to see my choice as a wise choice. When I can see this as a wise choice, I’ll be in a much healthier and hopefully happier place.

I like high standards. I think that, if anything, you should raise your standards to include “willing to fight for their marriage” and “willing to fight for their future spouse” as requirements for the people who you date. I also recommend that you do not allow relationships to turn sexual before marriage. Break-ups hurt less and you can more clearly judge the person that you are dating if you are not having sex. Fidelity to the marriage and not just your partner allows your marriage to last through potential periods of time where you might not like your spouse and they might not like you. People change often, and if they can change into someone that you do not like, they can also change into someone that you do, especially when given time and the incentive of a happy marriage. If you cannot find someone who already has your standards, try explaining your standards to someone willing to listen. If they do not understand your standards or reject them: try, try again —and I do mean try. Nobody has found anything by waiting. You have to seek, even if you have to go against social gender norms of who asks out whom or move a few thousand miles to find what you are looking for. At least 3 billion people of a sex that you are attracted to exist on this planet and at least one of them will like you and your standards, have standards that you like in return, and be attracted to you as well. (You might have to relax your standards of physical beauty to find happiness, but physical beauty is ephemeral at best and always disappears, anyway. It’s slippery. You cannot keep it.) :slightly_smiling_face:

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Hey there. The guys responded to your topic over on the Twitch Live Stream.


Thank you for your advice; I will do my best to follow it. Thank you for helping to assure me that I can follow a better path and that I can find someone out there.

Thank you @JustinYummerz for posting their response.
Thank you @Casers and @Danjo for addressing my post. You have given me a lot of important things to think about and things that I can work on. Learning to love and accept myself has always been difficult for me. I’m trying to be better at coming from a place of positivity, but it is a slow process. I hope that someday I’ll be able to tell you that I’ve healed and that I’ll be in a happier place/mindset and relationship with myself and with a person who I love for the right reasons.