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Never been this hopeless


#1

I find it funny that I ever felt the need to write on here that I was suicidal because looking back now there was really nothing that wrong with my life and I wasn’t even in a quarter of as much pain as I am now. I have absolutely nothing left and I have no idea how to fix my life. I went through a horribly traumatic breakup two months ago and I am not even close to making any progress as far as feeling better or getting over my ex and its making me feel so horrible about myself because its been two months. I moved to a new town to be with this ex and I haven’t left yet since the breakup because I don’t want to give up on living here but I feel so alone. I’m having such a hard time making a close group friends and theres some people in town that don’t like me because they are friends with my ex. I have so much anxiety everywhere I go and with every interaction I have because I am afraid that I will do the slightest thing wrong and then people won’t like me. I am so anxious to be at my work based on past interactions and decisions that I am embarrassed about. I was told the other night by some people that I consider to be friends that symptoms of my mental illness have become quite noticeable and it makes me hard to be around. I have gained weight since the breakup and have just really let myself go physically which makes me even less appealing to others. Every single time I try to get my life back together something comes up that knocks me back down or I lose motivation. I just hate absolutely every single thing about myself. I even feel embarrassed to be passionate about the things or hobbies that I like to do. I am just so embarrassed to be alive. I want to self harm so badly but I don’t want anyone to see it because people here are so judgemental about things to do with mental illness. This was triggered by a phone call that I just had with my mum and she said that she can’t help me anymore and that she doesn’t want to. I just I truly have no one. I have nothing to live for. I actually have no hope. Even when I have been really depressed in the past or even in my past suicide attempts I have still had hope for the future. Hope to start a family, hope to have a career, hope that things will get better. But I don’t care about any of these things anymore. I am in too much pain for anything to be worth waiting for and besides I will never have any of these things because I am not good enough. My ex has taught me that I am unlovable, people in town have taught me that I am unlikeable, my mental illness robs me from any motivation to get better and from having the things that I want. I am so ugly inside and out and my existence is purposeless. I want to kill myself so bad but I don’t know how to do it effectively because I have had unsuccessful attempts in the past and I don’t want it to not work and then embarrass myself even further. I really, really, really just want to die. I wish I could be hit by a car or something. I pray to god every single day to please relieve me from this pain but there is no relief in sight and I just truly am in so deep that I do not know how to help myself. I need so much help, I need a miracle. I am so sorry and embarrassed for bothering anyone on here, and I know that a lot of this probably doesn’t make much sense but I am just so upset, and at least this is anonymous so that no one can judge.


#2

Hey, thanks for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to do that and I know it wasn’t easy for you. So take a moment and realize how brave you are for doing that.

My heart breaks for yours. When you put your trust in a person and they break it, it never feels good. And what’s worse is the amount of effort you put in for this person, packing up your whole life and moving to a new town just to be with them. I hope they at the very least respected what you gave up for them, because it is not to be taken lightly. If moving back home is an option, I would consider that. It seems this town you’re in and the people in it are constant reminders of your ex and it is not at all healthy for you.

This is no reason to despise yourself friend. It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up, it does not make you a messed up person. You are a gold coin covered in soot and dirt. We just need to work towards rubbing all that off. Because underneath the all the pain and the depression, is someone who is strong, brave and loved. Seeing a therapist would be a good idea as well. This pain does not define you and it will not be with your forever.

You are not unlovable.
You are not unlikeable.
You are not purposeless.
You are not ugly.

You are loved and you matter.

Hang in there friend,
Jaden


#3

I just wanted to say that you are not alone and I know how you feel. I am going through alike situation at the moment, the only difference- I have to share my apartment with my ex and she has a new girlfriend.

They say that time heals, but I know that it is hard to wait till that moment. And to feel just means that you are normal human being.