So I went through a really bad breakup about 3 months ago. My fiancé I was with for over 6 years cheated on me. It really tanked my self esteem and I’ve been so bad off financially because she just left and I had to cover all the expenses of 2 people by myself. I finally was able to go out with friends for the first time since the break up which was a lot of fun. It just got really awkward because all my friends are in relationships so they were all pressuring me to talk to girls while we were out. I know they’re just trying to help but I get so nervous talking to women now. I feel like I clam up and can’t get out of my shell. I just don’t know how to overcome that anxiety I get. I want to be able to get back out there. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to talk about because I just work and come home. I feel like I’d just bore them to death or that they’re going to realize I lack confidence. Does anyone have advice on any of this? I feel lost when I try to go out and be social, but I’m realizing I need it. Being by myself for over 3 months is giving me bad depression. My therapy is helping some but I just want to learn to be confident and be able to enjoy myself and make new friends.
Hi, sounds like a major life change you weren’t expecting. You have to get adjusted to a lot of things, after being with someone for so long.
It\s a process to relearn what it is like being single, and finding yourself too. Getting into a new relationship might not be the thing you need now, but like you said, learning to enjoy yourself and be confident.
You will have to establish some boundaries with your friends - being pressured to talk to someone new is not what you want, tell them that any person you talk to now is not going to meet the real you, but the you that’s still recovering and coming to terms with your breakup. Tell them when you’re ready, you will let them know. And establish the consequences of forcing you to talk to someone - for example, you will walk up to the girls and apologize for your friends’ actions, you will walk out of the place to avoid the situation, you will loudly yell “no, we talked about this”.
Start going over the hobbies and interests you have, meditate, make sure you have good habits and are looking after your body and mind. Get a pet maybe, if you’re in headspace to be able to properly care for one.
You’ll be okay friend, just take it one step at a time. You got us here too, keep checking in so we’ll know how you’re doing, okay?
I’m so sorry that you had a bad break up and that now you’re struggling with your self esteem. Break ups are really hard to go thru, especially when you were together for a long time. I’m so sorry she cheated on you, that’s really horrible and because she did this, I can see why you are questioning your confidence. When you’re with someone for a long time, the break up can be more complicated and it sucks that she left you with expenses to cover, that wasn’t fair at all.
Sometimes, it takes people a little longer to heal and be ready to date again. I was married for almost 18yrs when I got divorced and I didn’t date for 2 whole years, I just wasn’t ready. I feel like because you are troubled with this, it might be a good idea to wait a little longer. When I was ready, I really didn’t question it, because I felt comfortable with moving on and trying to find someone new.
I understand the pressure to date because all your friends are in relationships, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in one too. Let yourself heal some more, talking to a therapist can help and you can even talk your friends and let them know if your just not ready yet. If they are real friends, they are going to want the best for you and will support you.
i’m sorry you were being pressured to talk to others without the confidence to do so comfortably. it’s hard to dive back into these situations after a bad breakup like you experienced. i really appreciate you opening up about that by the way, cheating is always such a raw, painful heartbreak that needs the right amount of time to heal. in the meantime, i do hope your friends can understand your exact needs whether it’s you easing into new friendships first and developing relationships out of that or to give you more time to be more comfortable. all in all, i’m proud of you for recognizing your feelings after the past 3 months and i hope you can do the self-care you need to in order to find balance for your heart and mind. you deserve love, happiness, and peace, don’t ever forget that. wishing you all the best in your journey, johnny!!
Hey, Johnnydeez, I’m sorry that your relationship ended so badly and left you struggling. I’m glad that things settled enough that you were able to enjoy time with your friends. From what you’ve said it definitely sounds like you don’t need to be jumping into a new romantic relationship right away and just need some companionship and friends. Maybe you could tell your friends that and ask them not to push you to interact with people outside of your group when you go out? Just get comfortable in group settings before trying to put yourself in situations that make you more uncomfortable.
Also there are some “dating” apps that are designed for making friends. A few of the dating apps have the option to say you are looking for friendship and there is an app called Patook designed solely for finding platonic friendships with people near and far. It may help you get used to talking to people again and may be a great way to find people near you with similar interests that you could make new friends with. And to make it less awkward you could even invite the new friends to spend time with your friend group so that you don’t feel as much pressure in a one on one setting.
I hope that you find some new friends and find your confidence in yourself again. You are awesome and you deserve the companionship you crave. Good luck
I am sorry to hear that your relationship has come to an end. Please don’t let your ex-finance’s actions negatively affect your self-esteem. You have no reason to be down on yourself.
I am sure your friends have your best interests at heart when they push you to talk to women. If it is making you uncomfortable, you have to ask them to stop. It would be a shame if this prevented you from enjoying their company.
After being in a relationship for over six years, it must feel very intimidating to be back in the dating game. I understand why this would cause you anxiety. Have you considered online dating? A slightly more anonymous approach may help you to build back your confidence.
Feeling that you have nothing to talk to women about can become a vicious circle. You avoid encounters because you have nothing to discuss, which in turn, leaves you with even less to talk about. This is why maintaining your friendships is so important. It will help you broaden your social group and consequently provide you with new experiences to share.
You said it yourself; confidence is something you will have to learn. Forcing yourself to accept invitations that, deep down, you would like to decline will help you do this. Through meeting new people and sharing new experiences, your confidence will return. This will have the added effect of reducing the time you spend alone, which will help with your feelings of depression.
I wish you the best of luck in your new life.
Thank you all for the support.