Well after trying so hard to not choose this it is coming to me that what really am I worth any more. Right now all it feels like is that there isnt a better time than now to just end it. My fight feels over. My fucking fight feels over and I dont want to deal with anything. After everything I thought was going so right in my life with getting out of such a bad environment and moving half way across my country to a city I didnt know to live with someone I thought cared about me. Than to be treated like a stupid idiot I truly am by the family I cant handle it. I legit cant handle it any more. After fights of who did what shit and being told one thing to just be blamed for something I heard. To feeling like my life is meaningless and that I should just screw it because I cant find this or that. I just want it to end and right now all I see is a pitch black tunnel before me. No hope nothing is left why do I keep not letting myself finally give up. I just want to stop fighting and thinking and hearing my mind screaming shit. My entire life so far feels like what is the use of it. I know the scars I have dont ever seem to heal. Atleast if I leave the world I dont have to deal with the emotions and pure hate of myself I have. But than again why do it because of what is going on. I feel like I just screw up everything and I dont want to do that any more. I dont want to be this fucking screw up I dont want to feel this pain of loosing so much. I dont feel cut out for this world at all. It isnt meant to have Ash in it it feels.
I really wont go into detail but I am just so freaking upset and it feels like the things I held on too are so far away. Like some are closer physically but it doesnt feel like it. Right now my hope is gone my love for myself is gone. I need the one thing I thought might help my support family, the family that I love and loves me.
Much Love To You My Friend!
Please Don’t Hate Yourself.
Please Don’t Hurt Yourself.
Your Life Is Not Meaningless.
Your Life Is Valuable And Is Precious.
Ask Someone Close To You For Help In Getting You Back In Your Hometown.
Family Or A Close Friend.
Here’s A Song That I Hope Gives You Some Comfort My Friend.
Thank you both for replying too my post. So much is going on and just keeps reminding me that i failed and that I keep failing. If it isnt one thing falling down it is another. As of late I legit have lost so much. And than a person I truly thought cared is taking up words that are breaking me. Legit I feel as though people hate me because of ways she is talking to me. If it isnt one thing its another.
Words:
The secret to happiness is modesty and lowered expectations, preferably, keep your expectations below your ankles. Every surprise will feel fantastic because every failure is only to be expected. I haven’t got mine that low, but I’m trying.
Help:
These methods are mine and are unusual because they do not have words of hope. I cannot stand the words “You’re worth it,” when I am extremely depressed. For some reason I need more depression, I need to vent my pain and burn through it.
Music
Sirenia (artist, gothic metal) Angel (Within Temptation, symphonic metal) plug these into Spotify or Pandora to create a station about metal and depression.
If the music above helps but is not enough: Ruined (album) by Imperative Reaction is as dark as I can go. Put Imperative Reaction into Spotify or Pandora and things become a disturbing darker shade of black.
I recommend headphones so you don’t annoy the neighbors. It takes 4-8 hours for me, you will probably need more time because you are hovering around the black hole of suicide and the closer you get to a gravity well, the harder it pulls.
