New to HeartSupport

Hi. I’m new here and I apologize if I’m not in the right category/forum.I can’t tell you how many times I have started writing a post and then deleted it. I’m scared, but I want to share. I just don’t know where to start, what to say or how much to say. I want to explain my whole life story, but nobody has time for that. I’m going to treat this like a journal. Until now, I’ve not been able to write anything about what recently happened.

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember (I’m now 48). I will skip to the most recent where my anxiety and depression have gotten to extreme levels. I’ve always had extreme low self esteem, low self worth, guilt, shame, this has made it so much worse. I am a Christian, although not a very good one. I believe God’s promises are true for everyone but me. I don’t believe He can possibly love me.

A few months ago my dad had to have extensive back surgery. After he got out of the hospital I stayed with my parents. Not taking away from my dad’s pain from surgery and recovery, but was very difficult physically, mentally and emotionally for me. I shut down emotionally so I could take care of what my parents needed. I knew if I let my emotions out, I wouldn’t be any help to them. My mom has some dementia, which is made worse in stressful situations, so needless to say, I was taking care of her too. It was heartbreaking to see my big, strong daddy so weak and not able to do anything for himself. To see and hear how much pain he was in, especially at nights. And then hearing my mom sobbing at night because my dad was in such pain and she thought it was going to last forever. It was like something snapped or triggered in my brain during that time. Typically, when my depression is high, I close myself off, emotionally and physically. Like I said, I’ve always had issues, but this took it to a depth that I’ve never been in before.

My parents live an hour away from me, but for about a month, I would continue to go up every couple of days to help sort medications (which was very confusing for my mom to do), mow grass, feed the cows, go to the store, fix food, etc. I guess I should also say I have a husband and 3 teenagers (that I homeschool).

During all this I was giving daily updates to extended family and my parent’s friends, one of whom says my dad is his best friend. He calls my dad every morning without fail.

This particular friend has been like an older brother/uncle to me for years. We have texted and called. We say I love you, we hug, kiss on the cheek, send birthday and holiday greetings, I miss you messages, nothing out of the ordinary for someone you think of as family. He has been a huge support for me during this time. He’s not married or in a relationship that I know of, has a couple of grown kids and a granddaughter. There has never been anything questionable about him or our relationship.

Until about a month ago when he physical and emotionally crossed boundaries with me. I think I was in shock because I didn’t remember everything at first. That’s where my already emotionally fragile self went into a tailspin.

I go from trying to figure out what I did or said that made him do it to thinking that I read it completely wrong and it didn’t really happen the way I thought it did. I’ve told my husband and a couple of close friends. They tell me it’s not my fault, but I think part of it is. I leaned on my dad’s best friend and trusted him during a season of life that I had never been in of taking care of my parents who have never needed any help (they are both 78). I asked him for advice (because he has cared for his ailing parents). There hadn’t been any signs that it was more than him helping and comforting his best friend’s daughter. Until the day, the moment that it changed.

There has been so many worse things done to so many people, so I feel horrible for talking or complaining about what happened to me. But it has caused me to hate myself (even more than I already did) for letting it happen, it’s caused me to neglect my kids needs because its all can think about to try and process, it’s caused me to lie to my parents because I can’t tell them what happened, it’s caused me to become numb overall, it’s cause me to ignore my friends because I can’t tell them what happened, it’s caused me to not be able to pray, it’s caused me to recall some things I allowed to happen to me in 8th/9th grade, it’s caused me to have horribly intrusive thoughts, thoughts of hurting myself in some way. I don’t think I would ever do it, but the thoughts have been there. It has caused me to question my personality and character. I have always have been a hugger. (I’ve been told that I hug like my grandmother used to, which is the biggest compliment) Now I wonder if I should be showing any affection to anyone.

I said earlier I don’t think I could do anything to myself, but I don’t know that’s entirely true. I have thought about creating a physical pain to help or numb the emotional pain. I know it’s not rational. I feel like I am crazy. I feel like I have lost my mind. I feel like no one’s brain is as messed up as mine. No one has the horrible thoughts like I do. No one can truly understand.

I’m sorry if all this is not what this forum is for.


Hi! I am maisnow nice to meet you : ) and welcome to heartsupport.

My english isnt the best one but I will give a try to give you the best answer, because you deserve it : )

You know when we get hurt or people do us somenthing bad, some of us feel bad for thinking about what happened, because we think that there are more people that are suffering a worst situation than us. And maybe that can be true but I think when there is somenthing that is hurting you, even the smallest thing, you cant ignore it because the only thing that you get from that, is suffering and I dont know you, but I know that you deserve all the happinest that life can give you.

I dont believe in God at all but for what I have learn, God love of the people, so why you think that he wont love you ?. After reading your story the only thing I can say, if that you love your parents and that you are trying your best to take care of them in a difficult situation. I really admire you! And I am very grateful that you share your story with us! Thanks a lot : )

My advice would be to try to do in you free time, thing that make you calm, maybe go on a walk, read a book… Because maybe your parents need you and I hope that they get better, but you need to take care of you too.

And before sending this message, remember when someone do somenthing bad to you, is not your fault, I know that it isnt easy and it wont be a easy process but try to say good things to yourself.

You arent alone in this! We are here for you!

With love, Maisnow


From: lovecraft-pilled

The most important thing for you to remember is that none of the bad things that happened were your fault. People cross boundaries they shouldn’t cross all the time, every day and in every single case it’s never the other person’s fault. You don’t have to feel guilty about what other people have done. You are not responsible for the actions of other people. All of us have agency, and as such we are not responsible for the actions of others. We are only responsible for our own actions. You didn’t do anything wrong. I would probably seek therapy. It could help you sort our your feellings. You need to take time to heal and take care of yourself. Self care is critically important. And don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Never feel guilty about your problems not being important enough. Your feelings are valid. Also, Jesus loves all of his children. Jesus loves you friend. Jesus is loving, compassionate, and forgiving. Know that Jesus will always love you.


Hi welcome to heartsupport. I would say the category u picked is fine. There are times when I’m unsure what category to use when I make a post.

I’m very sorry to hear about ur parents that must be rough what ur going through. Don’t feel bad at all for talking about ur issues thats what heartsupport is here for. We are all here to help each other. This community is a safe place for everyone to talk about anything they’re going through no matter how bad it is. So u are 100% fine here.

The most important thing u need to remember while caring for ur parents is making sure ur staying on top of ur own self care too. Ik its not very easy I sometimes have to remind myself of this too. But it is much harder to care for others if urself isn’t being taken care of.

I wish for nothing but the best for the both of u. Again welcome to the heart support community. :slightly_smiling_face:

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Thank you for pouring your heart out and sharing it with us. I know it mustn’t have been easy to do that.

Mental health is such a delicate balance to manage. No matter if it’s god or a person, your brain is so resistant to believing that you as a person could be loved and have value.
Your pain and your burdens make it feel like if a god out there loves me, then why am I hurting so much. I wish I could give you those answers, but what I can tell you is that you are loved. You do have value and you deserve the support to help your mind find some peace about it.

I think letting ourselves be so strong for so long causes more pain to us in the long run. I know the hurt it is to see someone who is so strong and has taken care of you be so weak with pain, but I don’t believe he would ever want you to shut down. Have you or your parents been able to find help beyond just relying on you? Even just respite care for a week, some people feel guilty , but all in all, everyone has limits and you can’t expect yourself to take on everything for everyone as well as try to sort through your own mental health. It’s not fair to you. I know how hard and emotional it can be looking after someone with dementia as well, so for your own safety (as being mentally and physically drained is when we can more easily hurt ourselves or make mistakes) and for theirs, maybe it’s time to think about what outside help there can be.

I’m so sorry someone used your trust and kindness. I know your mind wants to figure out why this happened and it’s only answer is that you let it happen.
You were not and will never be responsible for the actions of someone else. There is no possible excuse for them to say that will ever make it okay or ever make it your fault.
I know you’ve spoken to your husband and trusted friends, have you considered talking to a professional? Just because this is just the next thing in a line of things you’ve been dealing with.
I hope you don’t think you’re being neglectful, your processing the best you can, but I hate to think you’re processing all this alone. You do deserve support from someone who can help you take steps to heal.
As far as not being able to pray, I’m not really religious, but I have friends who are and one of them once said that when she found herself unable to pray, someone told her “you don’t have to, I’ll do it for you”. If you have your husband and trusted friends around, let them be your rock and let them be there to pray for you and to comfort you.

I know it’s easy to want to turn to harming your release some of that intense built up pain, but I do hope you reach out to someone who can help guide you through this in a safe way. You matter so much and you’ve been through so much for so long.
You’re not crazy. You didn’t and don’t deserve the things that happened to you.
You deserve to heal safely

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Thank you all so much for your responses. I actually got back on to delete my post because I was second guessing what I shared. I was surprised and thankful to see how caring and kind you guys are, you don’t even know me, but you took the time to respond. Thank you isn’t enough.

You each mentioned about self-care. I am not good at that. Or I go about it in the wrong ways. Typically I binge watch something, binge eat, ignore responsibilities or become overly busy with things that don’t matter, just so I don’t have to be in my head. Then at night I have high anxiety because I didn’t do things right, again. I wasted another day, again. I wasn’t as attentive and caring to my husband and kids, again.

I definitely think I need help. I’ve had anxiety/depression issues for as long as I can remember, been on medication for years, go through seasons where it’s worse then better, But it has never gotten to this point, where it feels constant and I am not going to be able to come out of it. Especially if I’ve gotten to the point where I am thinking about self harm. But I’ve also not had the situations and experiences as I have recently had.

I am desperate to know what has caused all this. I want to blame something or someone, is that wrong? I had a good childhood, from what I can remember, so I don’t know that I can blame anything on that. I am so tired of being this way. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life being like this. I have seen the results of me being like this. I have driven a wedge between me and my oldest because of my severe control issues. Two of my three kids have anxiety-type tendencies and I know it comes from me. I want to know why I’m like this, why I am so broken. I know that God doesn’t always let us know the why of things, but I don’t know that I can continue like this or heal if I don’t. Maybe I’m just being selfish in wanting to know.

I’ve never done ‘official’ therapy. It makes me really nervous to think about. One because I don’t want someone putting ideas in my head that aren’t true (that happened to a family member). And two, I don’t know how to articulate my thoughts and feelings effectively. My thoughts and feels are so overwhelming and complex. But when I try to explain them, they sound so trite, or like I’m just having a ‘bad day’. And I end up feeling worse by trying to explain. Does that make sense to anyone? I don’t want to fabricate anything, or say the right things, just so I can have an excuse for my behaviors. But I want to be well.

I’m sorry. I am all over the place and sound a little manic. I get to the place where the depression, anxiety and anger all collide and I want to just hit something. And that’s when I start thinking that physical pain would lessen my emotional pain. I know it’s not logical, but it’s my reality in the moment.


Thank you for taking the time to read all the responses! I know it mustn’t have been easy worrying about how your feelings will be reciprocated by others, but your words, your thoughts and your feelings are all valid and important!

I think guilt has a big part to play for people when it comes to self care. I know I have shared those thoughts of feeling like I’ve just wasted another day.
It’s safe to say you need to give yourself some grace. You’ve been through a traumatic experience and there’s no right or wrong way to process it.
So what’s something you may enjoy or perhaps used to enjoy if you feel like you don’t find enjoyment out of doing them anymore? Self care goes beyond just taking a bath or going for a walk. They’re a great place to start. It’s not just a reward to be gained because you’ve worked really hard and feel you have now earned it.
It’s about knowing you need to take care of the full self. Mentally, physically and emotionally.
I hope your husband understands the impact of what you’ve been through and stands with you as a human in need of that care.
While you may feel guilty for not being attentive to your kids and husband, truely the best we can do for the ones we love is to make sure we are in a place we can actually provide the love they need. You’re allowed to not be okay and to need the extra support to get you there. In fact, you deserve it and those intrusive thoughts of guilt can be told to step aside.

As you stated, you haven’t been in the situation you now have experienced (I hate it when people say “you found yourself in”, because you didn’t go looking for that and it’s not your fault!). So it’s understandable that you are experiencing the extra burden that comes with it.
Sometimes it’s okay to acknowledge that maybe this medication has done so much to help me, but right now I need something else - whether it’s new medication or referrals to the right professionals to help guide you through this.

Unfortunately mental health doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t look to choose people who can say “I can blame this on my childhood or xyz”. Even without the impact of your recent experience, it’s not something that you have to justify. I know sometimes people can try to story top and put the guilts on my saying how their experiences have been “worse”, but really if someone you met someone who had a severe injury, you wouldn’t stop to ask them if the way the injury was caused was their own fault or tell them you’ve had a worse injury.
You’re not being selfish wanting to know why you’ve had to bear the burden of struggling with mental health. It’s very normal and okay to feel like you’ve had enough. Maybe I can’t help you with the why, but I do hope there is someone to help you with the how. How do you take steps to start to heal and start to find your own worthiness. How to quiet the voices of guilt.

That’s totally understandable that you’re nervous, because it can be hard to know when someone is trying to tell you how to feel and put ideas in your head. You make perfect sense.
If you’re comfortable enough, there’s a site that offers full anonymity where you can live chat with someone. Even if it’s just to share your experience with someone who will listen. They do also have great resources they can share if you want them.
Please don’t feel pressured to have to do anything or to have to talk about your experience, but if you do need that, then it’s there.

You don’t have to say the right things to earn support. You don’t have to make any excuses for how you feel and how your mind reacts to that.

Trauma defies logic. It’s not something that has a one, two step cure all.
The part of our brain that processes physical pain also process emotional pain. It can’t fully decipher for it’s self what is what, it just knows there is pain. Attempting to relieve pain with this type of stimulus doesn’t offer a long time relief. There maybe a temporary rush of perceived relief from the shock stimuli, but over time the emotional response thinks that they need more to keep dealing with the pain.
I know it’s going to take more than just “think positive thoughts and listen to happy music” to work through those strong feelings. I do hope you keep use updated with how you’re going.

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