Hi. I’m new here and I apologize if I’m not in the right category/forum.I can’t tell you how many times I have started writing a post and then deleted it. I’m scared, but I want to share. I just don’t know where to start, what to say or how much to say. I want to explain my whole life story, but nobody has time for that. I’m going to treat this like a journal. Until now, I’ve not been able to write anything about what recently happened.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember (I’m now 48). I will skip to the most recent where my anxiety and depression have gotten to extreme levels. I’ve always had extreme low self esteem, low self worth, guilt, shame, this has made it so much worse. I am a Christian, although not a very good one. I believe God’s promises are true for everyone but me. I don’t believe He can possibly love me.
A few months ago my dad had to have extensive back surgery. After he got out of the hospital I stayed with my parents. Not taking away from my dad’s pain from surgery and recovery, but was very difficult physically, mentally and emotionally for me. I shut down emotionally so I could take care of what my parents needed. I knew if I let my emotions out, I wouldn’t be any help to them. My mom has some dementia, which is made worse in stressful situations, so needless to say, I was taking care of her too. It was heartbreaking to see my big, strong daddy so weak and not able to do anything for himself. To see and hear how much pain he was in, especially at nights. And then hearing my mom sobbing at night because my dad was in such pain and she thought it was going to last forever. It was like something snapped or triggered in my brain during that time. Typically, when my depression is high, I close myself off, emotionally and physically. Like I said, I’ve always had issues, but this took it to a depth that I’ve never been in before.
My parents live an hour away from me, but for about a month, I would continue to go up every couple of days to help sort medications (which was very confusing for my mom to do), mow grass, feed the cows, go to the store, fix food, etc. I guess I should also say I have a husband and 3 teenagers (that I homeschool).
During all this I was giving daily updates to extended family and my parent’s friends, one of whom says my dad is his best friend. He calls my dad every morning without fail.
This particular friend has been like an older brother/uncle to me for years. We have texted and called. We say I love you, we hug, kiss on the cheek, send birthday and holiday greetings, I miss you messages, nothing out of the ordinary for someone you think of as family. He has been a huge support for me during this time. He’s not married or in a relationship that I know of, has a couple of grown kids and a granddaughter. There has never been anything questionable about him or our relationship.
Until about a month ago when he physical and emotionally crossed boundaries with me. I think I was in shock because I didn’t remember everything at first. That’s where my already emotionally fragile self went into a tailspin.
I go from trying to figure out what I did or said that made him do it to thinking that I read it completely wrong and it didn’t really happen the way I thought it did. I’ve told my husband and a couple of close friends. They tell me it’s not my fault, but I think part of it is. I leaned on my dad’s best friend and trusted him during a season of life that I had never been in of taking care of my parents who have never needed any help (they are both 78). I asked him for advice (because he has cared for his ailing parents). There hadn’t been any signs that it was more than him helping and comforting his best friend’s daughter. Until the day, the moment that it changed.
There has been so many worse things done to so many people, so I feel horrible for talking or complaining about what happened to me. But it has caused me to hate myself (even more than I already did) for letting it happen, it’s caused me to neglect my kids needs because its all can think about to try and process, it’s caused me to lie to my parents because I can’t tell them what happened, it’s caused me to become numb overall, it’s cause me to ignore my friends because I can’t tell them what happened, it’s caused me to not be able to pray, it’s caused me to recall some things I allowed to happen to me in 8th/9th grade, it’s caused me to have horribly intrusive thoughts, thoughts of hurting myself in some way. I don’t think I would ever do it, but the thoughts have been there. It has caused me to question my personality and character. I have always have been a hugger. (I’ve been told that I hug like my grandmother used to, which is the biggest compliment) Now I wonder if I should be showing any affection to anyone.
I said earlier I don’t think I could do anything to myself, but I don’t know that’s entirely true. I have thought about creating a physical pain to help or numb the emotional pain. I know it’s not rational. I feel like I am crazy. I feel like I have lost my mind. I feel like no one’s brain is as messed up as mine. No one has the horrible thoughts like I do. No one can truly understand.
I’m sorry if all this is not what this forum is for.