I came across this site when I was researching what to do about the immense amount of guilt I feel regarding my actions in life. I really just want to get out in the open all of the shitty things I am feeling in hopes that it will make me hate myself less. In another way, I feel like I need to tell others my actions so everyone can know how much of a shitty person I was in my high school/college days. I realize these emotions and intense guilt I feel about my life are probably more intense lately because I am 3 weeks post partum, but this feeling of worthlessness is not new.
The first thing I feel guilty about is being an extremely selfish friend. The kind that only reached out if I wanted advice or I wanted to do something. I was only looking out for myself, and I have abused some really great friends in the process. I was the kind of friend you need to evict from your life immediately. Selfish, and only looking out for myself. I had moments of compassion, but looking back I was really only out to benefit myself. My best friend in high school dealt with all of my selfishness and never bat an eye. When my boyfriend and I broke up in college, me and her went to a party together to cheer me up. You know what I did? I ditched her to go hang out with a guy I liked, and made her pick me up the next morning… and she did it without a complaint. I didn’t and still don’t deserve that kind of person. That was the last time I’ve talked to her in 4 years. After that night I saw what kind of monster I was, and I couldn’t let her have someone as awful as me in her life anymore. Also, when we were in highschool, after getting out of treatment for anorexia, I told her I probably couldn’t have kids. I’m pretty sure I was just being dramatic, because that’s what 16 year olds do, but she was very sad for me and supportive. I always had to make it about myself. That’s another reason I can’t face her, here I am with a brand new baby after I told her this stupid sob story years ago. However I did struggle with infertility for a year and a half before finally getting pregnant with the help of medicine. I miss her and want to talk to her so bad, but I don’t deserve her, and she does’t need me in her life.
Onto the second reason I am here. When I was 17-18 I dated a guy long distance. This is where you all will absolutely hate me, and rightfully so. We met at a Spartan race, and we lived about 3 hours apart. We had a good relationship for several months, then I cheated A LOT. He was so trusting. Never searched my phone, nothing. He got a tattoo on his ring finger for me. That’s the shit that kills me. This guy is walking around with a tattoo he got for me, a girl that broke up with him on the phone while he cried. He never found out about the cheating.
So there it is, all out there. All the horrible things I have done because I was a selfish, incredibly insecure girl. I just wanted to feel desired and powerful, and I was a total monster. I hate myself for it every single day. And here I am 6+ years later, an amazing man for a husband, a good job, and a healthy new son. I feel like I deserve none of it. Every time something good happens I feel like I don’t deserve it because of how awful I was. The guilt I feel gives me nightmares of my ex coming to kill me. I am too ashamed to reach out to my former best friend, even though I desperately want her to meet my son. I feel like a sham. I feel like one day everyone will see the monster I am and abondon me like I deserve.
Thank you to anyone who read all or some of this. I have been holding onto all of this for so long, and i just need someone to know what I’ve done.