New. Want to get it all out there

I came across this site when I was researching what to do about the immense amount of guilt I feel regarding my actions in life. I really just want to get out in the open all of the shitty things I am feeling in hopes that it will make me hate myself less. In another way, I feel like I need to tell others my actions so everyone can know how much of a shitty person I was in my high school/college days. I realize these emotions and intense guilt I feel about my life are probably more intense lately because I am 3 weeks post partum, but this feeling of worthlessness is not new.

The first thing I feel guilty about is being an extremely selfish friend. The kind that only reached out if I wanted advice or I wanted to do something. I was only looking out for myself, and I have abused some really great friends in the process. I was the kind of friend you need to evict from your life immediately. Selfish, and only looking out for myself. I had moments of compassion, but looking back I was really only out to benefit myself. My best friend in high school dealt with all of my selfishness and never bat an eye. When my boyfriend and I broke up in college, me and her went to a party together to cheer me up. You know what I did? I ditched her to go hang out with a guy I liked, and made her pick me up the next morning… and she did it without a complaint. I didn’t and still don’t deserve that kind of person. That was the last time I’ve talked to her in 4 years. After that night I saw what kind of monster I was, and I couldn’t let her have someone as awful as me in her life anymore. Also, when we were in highschool, after getting out of treatment for anorexia, I told her I probably couldn’t have kids. I’m pretty sure I was just being dramatic, because that’s what 16 year olds do, but she was very sad for me and supportive. I always had to make it about myself. That’s another reason I can’t face her, here I am with a brand new baby after I told her this stupid sob story years ago. However I did struggle with infertility for a year and a half before finally getting pregnant with the help of medicine. I miss her and want to talk to her so bad, but I don’t deserve her, and she does’t need me in her life.

Onto the second reason I am here. When I was 17-18 I dated a guy long distance. This is where you all will absolutely hate me, and rightfully so. We met at a Spartan race, and we lived about 3 hours apart. We had a good relationship for several months, then I cheated A LOT. He was so trusting. Never searched my phone, nothing. He got a tattoo on his ring finger for me. That’s the shit that kills me. This guy is walking around with a tattoo he got for me, a girl that broke up with him on the phone while he cried. He never found out about the cheating.

So there it is, all out there. All the horrible things I have done because I was a selfish, incredibly insecure girl. I just wanted to feel desired and powerful, and I was a total monster. I hate myself for it every single day. And here I am 6+ years later, an amazing man for a husband, a good job, and a healthy new son. I feel like I deserve none of it. Every time something good happens I feel like I don’t deserve it because of how awful I was. The guilt I feel gives me nightmares of my ex coming to kill me. I am too ashamed to reach out to my former best friend, even though I desperately want her to meet my son. I feel like a sham. I feel like one day everyone will see the monster I am and abondon me like I deserve.

Thank you to anyone who read all or some of this. I have been holding onto all of this for so long, and i just need someone to know what I’ve done.

That can be some heavy guilt to carry. You may have been a shitty person then, but that doesn’t mean you always will be or that you’re permanently stained because of it. You are not the same person you were then, and you can still improve yourself if you carry some of your past tendencies. You have unchangeable worth, and you deserve to live your life as the best version of yourself.
I think it’s great that you want to reconnect with your friend even though it’s hard. Even if you just make amends for how you were, letting her know that and how you appreciated her can help bring closure. I wouldn’t rule out that you can be friends again because she did and maybe still does care for you.

Thank you for taking the time to give such a thoughtful response. I am trying to live as a better person than I was, but I feel unredeemable at times. Like I will always be a shit person. Instead of being selfish, I am so dependent on making others happy anymore that if someone is upset with me I crumble and feel like a failure. I feel like I deserve it though because I need to make up for the person I was. I really hope to get the courage to reach out to my former best friend. I want to tell her how sorry I am, but the fact that she hasn’t reached out to me makes me think that she might not want to hear it. Even if she doesn’t want to hear it, she deserves to know how bad I treated her and how good of a person she was to me when I was sp awful