Bare with me, this is the dumbest thing I’ve said so far. lol
One of my worst spots for self harm is in the bathtub. It usually is a positive place, a place where I can escape the world and lie down in warm water forgetting the world ever existed. But then it became like everything else in life. A place for physical pain. The water really only had three settings. The first, one degree from ice. The second, comfort. The third, baking cookies in the oven. Usually, my body wouldn’t tolerate the bipolar temperature settings. I would jump out immediately and crank the handle. But lately, I’ve cranked the shower as high as it could go and filled the tub. The water would blow smoke out of it and the mirror would fog immediately. It could have bubbled if the temperature could go any higher. I would step my foot in. It was like stirring noodles in a boiling pan with your body. My body immediately felt searing pain. And then… it went numb. My body was red as a tomato. But I felt nothing. Nothing other than comfort. The rest of my body went in. Smoke rose. The rest of my body was numb. I felt light-headed, nearing the point I would pass out. Was it dangerous? Yes. Did my bath need to get fixed? Yes. But did I care? No. It was perfect. When I couldn’t water-burn myself, I would drown myself. I haven’t succeded yet. But someday I will. But not with my will. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to hurt myself. But I can’t control it. I can only control ⅓ of myself. It feels like my life is lived in three phases. I’m sure everyone has the same phases. But I’ve never noticed it before. The first is apathy. Where nothing matters. Where the world is just a roadblock into me finding a feeling. Where I want to disappear because I will never be good enough to anyone and I will never accomplish anything worthwhile so I’m better off did. No one needs me anymore and I’ll harm myself until someone finally cares so I end up back in the hospital fighting death hoping that my body would finally give up and I would slip away into the warmth of nothing never to see the light of day again. The second is indulgence. I would consume everything around me to make it mine. Horde everthing around me and get it in my body. I would consume excessive food. I would, for example, lick my bathroom floor. And I would harm others for my personal gain, taking everything I could and never stop to regret it until the damage has been too far done to be resolved. And then there’s me. The third. The thoughts I can control. The only time I can reflect on all the damage I had done. The only time I can feel conventional happiness. Where I’m my normal self. My favourite self. Where I’m not harming myself or others like the sadistic piece of sh– I am. But then again… I don’t know how to control my real self. I don’t know how to fix the damage I do with ⅔ of myself. I don’t want to make the decisions. I can’t make the decisions. I’m incapable of being a good person. You people know better than me. What am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be? I would rather you make my decisions because I’ll never make the right one. So tell me, in all seriousness, who am I? Because I don’t remember who I ever was at this point. All I know is I’m some idiot who decided to put his username as the name of some self harm cut he made a few years ago. At least the scar is almost gone so… its really been that long. Tell me who I am. What is my real name? Am I a boy or girl? Do I like boys or girls? How old am I? Where am I from? What country am I in? Who am I anymore. I don’t know. Literally nothing is worth mentioning as an update. Reflecting back on it I don’t remember I single thing that has happened lately. All I’ve done is lost myself. Why am I a mess. Why am I worthless. I’m sorry. I’ll never make it. I’ll do anything you ask me. Other than telling my parents. I’ll never be enough. Sorry.
