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Night thoughts, not current thoughts, just a mess of words

Bare with me, this is the dumbest thing I’ve said so far. lol

One of my worst spots for self harm is in the bathtub. It usually is a positive place, a place where I can escape the world and lie down in warm water forgetting the world ever existed. But then it became like everything else in life. A place for physical pain. The water really only had three settings. The first, one degree from ice. The second, comfort. The third, baking cookies in the oven. Usually, my body wouldn’t tolerate the bipolar temperature settings. I would jump out immediately and crank the handle. But lately, I’ve cranked the shower as high as it could go and filled the tub. The water would blow smoke out of it and the mirror would fog immediately. It could have bubbled if the temperature could go any higher. I would step my foot in. It was like stirring noodles in a boiling pan with your body. My body immediately felt searing pain. And then… it went numb. My body was red as a tomato. But I felt nothing. Nothing other than comfort. The rest of my body went in. Smoke rose. The rest of my body was numb. I felt light-headed, nearing the point I would pass out. Was it dangerous? Yes. Did my bath need to get fixed? Yes. But did I care? No. It was perfect. When I couldn’t water-burn myself, I would drown myself. I haven’t succeded yet. But someday I will. But not with my will. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to hurt myself. But I can’t control it. I can only control ⅓ of myself. It feels like my life is lived in three phases. I’m sure everyone has the same phases. But I’ve never noticed it before. The first is apathy. Where nothing matters. Where the world is just a roadblock into me finding a feeling. Where I want to disappear because I will never be good enough to anyone and I will never accomplish anything worthwhile so I’m better off did. No one needs me anymore and I’ll harm myself until someone finally cares so I end up back in the hospital fighting death hoping that my body would finally give up and I would slip away into the warmth of nothing never to see the light of day again. The second is indulgence. I would consume everything around me to make it mine. Horde everthing around me and get it in my body. I would consume excessive food. I would, for example, lick my bathroom floor. And I would harm others for my personal gain, taking everything I could and never stop to regret it until the damage has been too far done to be resolved. And then there’s me. The third. The thoughts I can control. The only time I can reflect on all the damage I had done. The only time I can feel conventional happiness. Where I’m my normal self. My favourite self. Where I’m not harming myself or others like the sadistic piece of sh– I am. But then again… I don’t know how to control my real self. I don’t know how to fix the damage I do with ⅔ of myself. I don’t want to make the decisions. I can’t make the decisions. I’m incapable of being a good person. You people know better than me. What am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be? I would rather you make my decisions because I’ll never make the right one. So tell me, in all seriousness, who am I? Because I don’t remember who I ever was at this point. All I know is I’m some idiot who decided to put his username as the name of some self harm cut he made a few years ago. At least the scar is almost gone so… its really been that long. Tell me who I am. What is my real name? Am I a boy or girl? Do I like boys or girls? How old am I? Where am I from? What country am I in? Who am I anymore. I don’t know. Literally nothing is worth mentioning as an update. Reflecting back on it I don’t remember I single thing that has happened lately. All I’ve done is lost myself. Why am I a mess. Why am I worthless. I’m sorry. I’ll never make it. I’ll do anything you ask me. Other than telling my parents. I’ll never be enough. Sorry.

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Wow thank you for sharing all this, I know it sometimes takes a bit to process and be able to talk about, but I appreciate the words you have written here and the time you have taken to write them!

May I ask if you’re comfortable if you sought out the hot water initially as a means of causing harm?
And may I also clarify, when you say it brings comfort, is that an actual peaceful comfort or do you mean you find comfort in knowing or feeling pain?
It can be such a familiar cycle and getting comfort from pain. The cycle does need to break for your safety and for your mental health. I’d hate for you to be so used to it that it seems like it’s the only pea w you can find.
Have you been able to voice your feelings to anyone?
I’m so proud of you acknowledging that you don’t want to hurt yourself, I would really love for you to utilise the resources and find one that could help you through this. I’d you need I can find the link and post it for you.

It’s okay to acknowledge when we don’t have the strength to fight things on our own. It’s never easy to admit, but you aren’t lost to yourself. You have that part of you that you know is there and it’s worth every inch of the fight.

Who you are isn’t defined by the battle you fight now. Who you are is someone who has value and worth. Who is loved infinitely.

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From: ManekiNeko

just checking in on you and making sure you’re safe. I want you to know you’re cared for and loved and I do hope that you consider reaching out for help beyond perhaps the words we can share. - Bimini

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From: twixremix

hi swix,

thank you for sharing these raw thoughts with your heartsupport community - you know we are always here to lift you up and support you. i’m thankful we both have this forum to collect and reflect on our thoughts, to share them with the world to receive replies from people around the world reassuring you that it’ll be okay. whenever i make posts on this forum, relief of getting my thoughts out there washes over me and i hope you felt the same when you wrote this.

when it comes to your self harm, it actually chokes me up to read your body going through such harsh treatments. the way you break things down into categories of indulgence, apathy, and thoughts you can control is understandable but there are less harmful ways to activate these 3 phases. take a hard run outside, place an ice cube in your hand, hold a hot mug of tea… these still provide stimulation of the senses without causing your skin to be submerged in scalding hot water. the fact here is that we only have one body to live this life in. it would be a disservice to you if i didn’t remind you of this and how things do and will get better. steam or water burns are incredibly dangerous and can hold lifelong consequences. so please, at least for your heartsupport community that loves and supports you, please discover safer methods to still feel and activate your 3 phases of living without damaging this one body that holds so much curiosity, feelings, and love. you can do this, swix. please trust me on this. i believe in YOU!

love,
twix

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Hello again Swix,

I am thankful that you reached out again to those of us on The Wall to seek encouragement & support from people that want to do so. I hear you & I see you in the midst of your pain & struggles. I know that you are searching for something that makes you feel it & I hope you find something healthy to help you feel for what you are searching for. Some of the things that you DESERVE to feel are hope, joy, peace, contentment & satisfaction…just to name a few.

Life can be EXTREMELY difficult & frustrating at times, but it can also be beautiful & wonderful. You deserve to have that in your life as well. Would it help if you found a professional to discuss all of the things you are facing right now? Just to have a different viewpoint & thought different from your own. I hope that you can discover yourself in a new light & continue to learn & grow with each changing season.

You are important. You are enough. You are valid. You are strong. You are worthy. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: Mamadien

@Swix, thank you for sharing your feelings with us here. I want to tell you that what you are going through sounds very difficult. I’m sorry that you are in a place where you are going to these measures to deal with your pain. Can I ask if you have a therapist or other professional that you see for your mental health? If yes, have you shared this with them? If you aren’t counseling with someone, I think it would be very helpful to find a mental health professional to work with. What you are doing with the extreme temperatures in your bath can cause serious physical injury that you may not intend. Please think about speaking with a professional if you haven’t yet. There are answers out there, and it sounds like you need help in finding them. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. I wish you well my friend. You are important and you are loved here.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Swix thank you for posting, reading this makes me feel so sad for you and Swix I have to say that you have asked us to tell you what to do and you will do it so I am asking you to please stop hurting yourself. Please find a way of being able to soothe yourself without damaging your body. we can find some ideas to help you do that, things that do not involve you burning or cutting or any other form of damage. You deserve so much better than this. Swix you aslo asked who you are? you are an incredible young person who I have seen battle over the last year that I have been here and you have fought so so hard and won so far but you seem to have done it alone and now it the time to have more help, I dont know if you do actually have any other help but if you dont then I would love you to find someone. someone that you can talk to, feel safe with and that can help you to find yourself. Swix you matter here and you are loved. Lisalovesfeathers. x

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Hey Swix,

First off, I want to say that I am so, so glad that you are here to share your story. You say that you are worthless. I say that you have absolute worth, and your mind, emotions, and intrusive thoughts are doing all they can to convince you otherwise. You say you don’t care, but you care enough to come here and share your story with us. I see you, friend.

Second, I want to ask if you are currently are working with a therapist or counselor (that you like, at that)? If not, I strongly, strongly encourage you to. There is no shame in talking to someone who is there to help you understand what is going on, and offer their professional support. I know you’re an intelligent person by your other posts. You know the path you are walking with the increasing self-harm attempts. And, though you may not realize it, you know your pattern and habits, and that it is getting worse. You have already made so many of the steps forward in the path to finding help. I strongly encourage you to make the last few, and get with a professional that you click with (don’t be afraid to say one isn’t right for you if you don’t click with them… just be sure to try out another after that). Heck, though they may not make the choices for you like you stated you wanted… they could really help you in being able to make them yourself. Help lift some of that crushing burden you feel right now.

You matter, friend. You are loved, and you have worth. Even when those intrusive thoughts and emotions try to convince you otherwise. Please, let us know how you are doing, and check back in when ever your need. :hrtlegolove:

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