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No...Not Again

Recently I’ve been having things from my past return to my mind. As of the last day or two, it’s been my mother’s reaction to me coming out. She said so many things that were, honestly, out of line. When I was explaining how her words made me feel she said “Well I could’ve disowned you or taken you to conversion therapy, but I didn’t. And that’s because I love you.” Like…I didn’t know how to respond to that. When she said that it made it seem like she considered those things. When I tried to tell her how I felt after the initial talk we had after I came out, she said “Well what was I supposed to do? I was hurt by your choice. Don’t my feelings matter?” She’s not the victim here. It seemed like she was playing victim and it hurt. When I tried to tell her “Ofc your feelings matter, but I need you to understand that you saying those things hurts me.” she didn’t listen. She kept going on about how she’s hurting because of the choice I made. She made it seem like it’s my fault. FIRST OF ALL!!! It’s not a choice. Never has been and never will be. SECOND!!! I understand that it may be hard to understand for her since she is super against it, but that doesn’t give her the right to weaponize her belief towards me. This is the whole reason why I was scared in the first place to come out. This is the reason that I’m scared now to come out as NB. I’m scared to be hurt more like that. I don’t want to feel like I did. I’m already going through it right now and I do NOT need more to bring me down. I’m scared of what she might say. I’m scared of what she might do. The fact that all of this is in my head is raising my anxiety and I don’t like it. I’m shaking as I’m posting this. I thought I was over this. I want to be over this. But I just don’t know how long it’ll take to get there.

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Hi @FaeTheProud

That’s is soooooo awesome that you came out. I’m so, so happy that you are you :wink:

I don’t think your mother’s reaction is about you as a person. It’s about her ignorance and belief system, it’s about her own struggles with the idea of it, not you at all. You are precious, you are worthy and you have every right to be who you are without judgment from anyone, even your mother.

I’m not really sure how to handle your mother because we don’t know where her journey is in all of this, but give her time and just be who you are and don’t be ashamed or afraid of being your true self in front of her. I would just give her time to come to terms and see how happy you are. I’m sure she wants you to be happy.

She’ll come around

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Congratulations for having the incredible courage required to come out. It’s too bad that your mom reacted poorly. Keep in mind, this is uncharted territory for her. It’s not likely that her cultural background prepared her for dealing with this unexpected revelation. Assuming the role of victim sounds like a default reaction that she is used to using. It also hints at codependency.

When she asks “don’t my feelings matter?” I think it would be okay to ask her, “do mine matter to you?” Saying that she was hurt by your choice is a form of emotional blackmail, although I doubt that she realizes that she’s doing it.

Absolutely, positively, do not take on guilt, blame, or fault, just because she is trying to push it on you. The problem is her 1950s frame of reference.

The reality is, there is nothing negative about being your authentic self. Another reason your mom finds it hard to relate is that she probably still subjects herself to the approval of others, while you have chosen to be yourself, whether or not others approve. Hence her mind is kinda blown. It’s sad that she is trying to fix something that’s not broken.

I can’t help but wonder if your mom, my mom, and a lot of other mom’s collaboratively wrote a book on self-ascribed victimhood and emotional blackmail. Actually, those attitudes and behaviors are passed down through the generations. If you live in that culture, introspection and getting to know yourself is far less important than what others think of you. People who live that way suffer because of it.

I think you are finding out the hard way, the value of unconditional love. Your mom has a ways to go yet, but she might get there. One of the gifts provided by being “different,” is that wisdom and emotional maturity comes quickly.

She’s emitting a lot of unpleasant words, which has to be hard to put up with but they are soundwaves derived from the space between her ears. Those words don’t define you, and you don’t have to let them hurt you so much. What are your concerns regarding what she might do?

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