No one is going to remember them but me

Back in June/July of this year, I had a miscarriage. I had found out I was pregnant in June, and I was so excited. My boyfriend and I started calling the baby Riley, because I had another miscarriage before and I wanted this baby to have a name, whether the pregnancy ended up being viable or not. By July, I went to my doctor, and they told me that I had a blighted ovum. Basically, I had all the stuff the baby needed, minus the embryo. So, Riley wasn’t there. I came home and screamed and cried. I ended up miscarrying in mid July. Even though the embryo wasn’t there, I still refer to Riley as the baby and I still feel like I lost a baby even though Riley wasn’t there.
The only people who really know are my boyfriend, his sister, and me. We didn’t tell anyone else. Not my parents, it would break their hearts. Not any of the other children. Just us few.
For a few months, I was doing good. Or I thought I was, until recently. We had some friends come stay with my boyfriend and I over the weekend. This friend had previously lost a baby too and talked about it a few times while she was there. I’m not even mad at her, she didn’t know. But her talking about it sent me spiraling. I started crying again as if it just happened. I took off work for a few days because I work at a preschool and I’m sure you can imagine what’s going through my mind. I’m not dealing. I feel like I’m back at square one. Today, I text my boyfriend and told him “no one is going to remember Riley in a year, 10 years, 15 years except me. No one knows they exist.”
I know it hurts him too, but I feel like it doesn’t hurt him the way it does me. I don’t want to wish this feeling on him, but I also wish I didn’t feel so alone in what I’m feeling too.
I just want someone to know about my baby and to know that I still cry for them.

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I believe the pain of such a loss is beyond my imagination, but my heart goes out to you anyway. I do understand how other people talking about the miscarriage could send you spiraling. A grief support group may be beneficial, if only to help you feel less alone.

You invested a great deal of love into Riley. You probably daydreamed about what he will be like and how it would feel to raise him. You may even have filled in such details as what his room would look like, etc.

One way to create a legacy for him is to write down your feelings, plans and hopes that you had for him in a diary. You may want to write it as though it’s a journal/letter to him. It may involve a lot of tears and take a lot of time, but there is no rush. Riley is a beautiful soul who has yet to physically manifest. Acknowledging both him and your love for him in writing, will help you and those you love to remember him.

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Hi Meglong,

Thank you for sharing this with us today. I want to start by expressing how sorry I am for your loss and for the pain you’re experiencing. Please know that your feelings are valid and normal. Loosing such an importance piece of your life and of yourself is incredibly hard, and it is completely normal to feel these things.

Your boyfriend, as much as he cares, may process the loss differently, which is not uncommon. People often grieve in their own ways and timeframes. However, even though there is no good or bad way to grieve, it is absolutely possible that the way he is reacting to this loss frustrates you. To address this, it might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings, expressing the need for support and understanding.

If you feel comfortable, consider seeking additional support, whether through people who you would feel comfortable sharing this with or perhaps with a mental health professional if you’d like. Sharing your feelings can sometimes provide a sense of relief and help you navigate through this challenging time.

Behind these computers and these screens are humans, real people with real-life feelings and emotions - and I’m one of them. I know and recognize how important your baby was for you and how you may still be crying for them. Your baby Riley will always hold a special place in your heart, and it’s okay to remember and honor them in your own way.

Sending you my best wishes and my warmest regards,

Salma

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Dearest @Megclong,

Thank you so much for letting us know about Riley. The trust you have continuously shared into this community means a lot.

It must have feel so very lonely to carry this only with your boyfriend. Riley’s existence was - and is -real for the both of you. You have been navigating the reality of a painful loss, and it’s so hard when it feels like you can’t really express that anywhere. This sense of invisibility adds another layer of pain on your already deep grief. Rest assured that you are heard and seen here - entirely.

It makes sense to feel like getting back to square one when there are things in your life that reactivate the pain all over again as if it was the first time you were even feeling it. It’s raw, brutal, confusing, and it definitely feels like regressing as the intensity of the pain doesn’t seem to change at all.

It’s okay to take all the time your heart needs to mourn Riley. To weep, scream or feel angry for him. You are not back at square one, but the pain cuts deeply - and that is okay to say. If you feel at times like having no space to share about how you feel or how you miss him, please never hesitate to reach out here just like you did. It is an honor to know about his existence, his place in your life - and to share life with you.

I’m sending you tons of virtual hugs and hope for you to find peace within - little by little. He will never be forgotten, and you will not betray his memory by embracing life, still. You are a wonderful human, Meg. Thank you for sharing all of this. :hrtlegolove:

I know I am late to reply to this, but I just want you to know that I also lost a baby and she had a name.
She will always be loved just like your Riley will.

Women who have been through this hold each other close and help each other keep their baby’s lives remembered.

When I mourn my girl, I mourn all those who know the feeling and all those who are fearful their baby will be forgotten to time.

Your Riley will always be important.
I planted some flowers for my girl and they’ve started blooming. She is in nature and the world around me and so is your Riley x

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Hey there, @Megclong :smiling_face:

I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you’ve felt and are feeling since loosing your baby Riley. A good starting point for this reply is to remind you that you, and your feelings are valid. Grief happens in its own way and time, and this is okay too. Regardless of whether it was early on in the pregnancy or late, Riley’s loss is profound, and it’s bound to have caused you and his dad a lot of heartache. Giving Riley his name like you did, shows the love you had for him, and it’s understandable that you don’t want that to fade.

You’ve been strong throughout this journey, that much is evident in your words, but I also feel the sorrow and heartache too. I understand why you made the decision to grieve privately, to protect your family from the immense heartache you feel. One thing you must remember, is that you are never alone, even though it might feel that way. You can reach out to others, and sharing your grief might relieve a lot of weight off your shoulders.

The Situation where your friend spoke about her loss was you being triggered. This is where you were made to recall painful memories of loosing Riley, so it’s understandable that this threw you off course slightly. Sadly, as someone who is currently grieving, I know it has no end, and can appear suddenly and without warning. Sometimes we just need a breather to process and heal, just like what you did by taking time off of work.

For as long as you say his name, Riley will never be forgotten. He was your child, and you are rightly anxious about his memory and legacy, though short lived fading away into the distance. I recognise the impact Riley had on you, and I’m sure he will be looking down on you with a heavy heart. He deserved to be held in your arms and loved, but the angels thought he was too good.

Your boyfriend might process grief differently, and that doesn’t diminish the significance of Riley in his heart. People cope in various ways, and it’s crucial to maintain open communication about your feelings. Expressing your wish for someone else to know about Riley is a powerful step. Sharing your pain can help you feel less isolated and provide a support system to lean on during challenging times.

Grief is not bad. Everybody grieves in their own individual ways. Riley mattered to you, and your love for him is evident.’may Riley rest in piece, and may his memory live on :heart: