It’s so difficult because every time I feel like I’m doing better, something happens that sets me over the edge. I find myself holding my breathe a lot. Until it gets to the point where I have to gasp heavily for air. When I drive I turn my music up loud and hope that a car hits me. Or I sit on the floor of my shower with the heat up so high it burns my skin. I just sit there and either stare or cry until it feels almost impossible to reach back and turn the water off. If I’m not crying, I take very shallow breaths and hope I pass out. I can feel my eyes slowly close and my hope slowly slip from me. I often wonder how long it would take someone to find me there.
I don’t always wish to die. I mostly hope to end up in the hospital. I want to run away most days. The only person who understands my thoughts and what I’m going through has made it very obviously that he doesn’t care about me as much as I do about him. And the hardest pill to swallow is that I’m in love with him, and he knows and still ignores me when I voice how bad I’m getting again. But I’m ALWAYS there for him when he is in need of someone. He knows how hard it is to have these thoughts, and worse. So I don’t understand how he could not take it seriously.
I just feel like I’m not meant to be loved in the same way I give love, or at all. I want someone to actually notice and care that I do these things and feel this way.