I’ve been having homicidal thoughts often lately. I’m used to having these thoughts, but I’ve been having them a lot more. I think I told my parents about it, or at least I tried to. They both said that I shouldn’t think like that because “that’s not how Christians should think.” That’s usually their only answer for anything whenever I try asking them about something like that. Since my parents aren’t “good” at things like that, I asked one of my friends. She made jokes about how I’ll kill someone soon enough if I keep thinking like that, but she didn’t say anything else. I understand why she made jokes since I made that reputation for myself around my friends…Yep, cuz I’m the energetic one who is automatically dangerous if she isn’t smiling or talking. So now I’m just having more homicidal thoughts since I don’t have anyone around me who can help me at least just a little without criticizing me and every option that I make.
Hi friend. Those can be really scary and unhealthy thoughts to dwell on or over think. But can also be very unhealthy to just bottle up and ignore.
Talking about these feelings so you can work through them definitely should be a thing. But probably with a therapist who can help you better understand where they are coming from and how to tackle it.
Maybe it would be worth reaching out to your family about finding a therapist you can talk and confide in? It probably would be the safest course of action.
Hey @mccn,
I never dealt with this kind of thought, so I can only imagine how scary or stressful it could be. Thank you for sharing and taking the time to post this message. It takes courage to do that, no matter what you’re going through.
First of all, as you didn’t mention it but described others reactions, I’d like to ask: how do you feel about it? There’s no obligation to respond if you don’t feel comfortable enough to do that.
I’m really sorry to hear that your parents and the friend you mentioned didn’t listen to you. They shouldn’t make jokes about something that makes you feel vulnerable. And your parents clearly doesn’t seem to understand what it is to deal with this. You didn’t ask to have these thoughts.
Just know that you’re not alone. And it’s not your fault. You did the right thing by talking about it. Staying alone with that kind of thoughts would be unhealthy to you. We are not therapists nor doctors here, but what you described make me think about obsessive thoughts. It could be worth it to talk about it to a therapist. And if you can’t, at least to a doctor. You’re not crazy or weird or anything like that. But talking about it with a professional can be an occasion for you to receive some insights and explanations about what’s going on in your mind. It also gives you a safe place where you can talk without ever being judged.
With HS, you also have the possibility to get a 7 days trial on the website Betterhelp, which allows you to talk to a therapist online : https://betterhelp.com/heartsupport So it’s not a long term solution but you can at least receive some help from a professional pretty quickly and be reassured.
I can assure you that you’re not the only one on earth nor the first one to experience that kind of thought. You’ll be okay. 