Just a quick vent because I just have a lot on my mind that comes through my mind. But I’m just feeling a bit lonely. I have had some thoughts of suicide but I kind of tend to push them back when I’m not able to work through them like when I’m at work or something. I just feel like I’m lacking the strength most people have. Like even my friends who are depressed at least get away from the clouds. I never match with any girls , no one ever bothers to get to know me. My grandpa commited suicide last year, when I see friends I just want to let loose and tell them how I really feel but they disappear of the face of the earth. Meanwhile my family puts a lot of pressure on me I feel like with who they want me to be. To follow the ways that they want like to keep a job when my bipolar disorder makes it hard to. And all my aunts and uncles are really successful and make good money unless my moms side which her side 4 people are homeless. And on meth . I went to visit my stepmom and dad, they are just like shaming me for bad decisions my sister made. And decisions my mom made. It gives me intense social anxiety, I just have a hard time getting my life together and having the strength to. Which probably puts me at risk for suicide. Because I’m just not strong enough. And a week ago my counselor convinced me to drain a bottle that I was gonna down with pills, me and my mom have been getting into it more because she thinks medications will fix everything I hate how everything is a first thought of medication when I spent 10 years of life on medication. Bipolar disorder really effects my relationship with god because my mood always swings and I feel on top of the world and on way to recovery and the next day I’m depressed and wishing I could die. I’ve never been able to find the right combo. Bipolar disorder just puts me in a circle of wanting to die and feeling on top of the world.
I don’t think no one can feel as lonely as me . I have loneliness I have felt since childhood. I’m also 21 have a hard time adapting and saving money maybe ppl just don’t have it figured out no one does. Inside my bedroom studio I hate going anywhere else . Like in my music I’m in a whole different zone but as soon as I’m back outside my house it’s shiz. Lately I haven’t had any motivation to really do much. I feel ashamed for it. I’m good at identifying emotions but more or so lately I’m numb. I can do well then everything will all come crashing down at once. I don’t like it one bit. But also theirs no right combo but I’ve looked into TMS therapy so hopefully that will help.
Hi @Batmacisrad123 ,
The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here. Hold Fast friend, and lean on our community.
From: Ash (Discord)
Man this is a lot to go through in a very short amount of time and I am so sorry for the loss of a grandparent and for it to be that way is very hard. I am so so sorry for that. But let me ask you this what is one thing that not only your grandparents would say to you but something that is a true statement positive piece about yourself that you love. Your support to yourself needs to be put first. You also need to know that no matter what happens you are not this worthless person you deserve to feel loved and cared about. I hope you know that much. I dont know you well but I can already say in my eyes you are valueless and no one should tell you less than that. You have so much value that it cant be counted. So what if your family and such have the high paying jobs. Personally I feel that my parents wanted me to be this big awesome person but I ended up going blind and having medical issues that have made it so I do not have the ability to work. So now what I do instead is use my skills to provide and help for others. This fight will not be easy. You can do something by just being you. What is something you enjoy to do. For me its sewing, drawing, and training dogs so I donate my time to help others so that they have that feeling of support and love. Caring for another person is important just as important as any other job. Having bipolar also is not something someone should blame that on ya you cant get a job but you do stuff in other means.
Thank you for sharing that with me I just seen it now. Been working on other stuff like DJ and stuff. But I just find it hard to overcome that mountain at times you know?
I really love DJing and making music, making beats. Lil Macauley on all platforms. I turned my room into a studio fully. I’ve been sleeping on the floor because of little space
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