No Time to Fall Apart

[SheetMetalHead]

Life has been hard lately. I don’t have the monopoly on a hard life, and the things that are hard are typical adult things, but it’s been hard. This year has been challenging from the start when we started our homeownership journey, but the past month has been especially tough. I sold both our cars and bought 2 more to try to fit our lifestyle and budget better. Selling cars is stressful, and buying cars is stressful, but now I’ve done 4 transactions in succession. The cars we bought came from out of state (for better deals), which has its own set of challenges (financing, registration, and the logistics of getting the vehicles). During all this, I’ve been trying to keep track of money in, money out, payoff balances, down payments, on and on.

My wife got COVID a few weeks ago and couldn’t work for 2 weeks, which strained our finances. Luckily she’s okay, and luckily we had enough in savings to cover her missed work, but since buying our house our emergency savings isn’t where it ought to be, and now we’re pretty low. During that time, in addition to trying to buy and sell cars and work, I was concerned with caring for her and taking care of the house.

I took delivery of my new-to-me commuter car yesterday. The dealership misrepresented its condition and outright lied about some of its features. I’m in contact with them to try to resolve this, and I’ll be in contact with my bank and a car shop on Monday to assess what all is wrong and if I have any kind of recourse, but chances are pretty good I’m stuck with what I got. Again, luckily, I have extra money from the sales of our cars to cover repairs, but I feel like a sucker. I feel like I was lied to, taken advantage of, made a fool of, and ultimately violated, even after all the questions I asked beforehand. I thought I was too smart, too skeptical, for something like this to happen to me. Fortunately, for now I’m able to borrow my coworker’s car, but ultimately this is my liability to sort out.

Additionally, there’s all the regular adult shit I need to make time for. I need to get my dogs vaccinated. I need to schedule a physical. I need to figure out the most cost-effective ways to make our house more energy efficient because our power bills are skyrocketing. Things like that. These are all things I can de-prioritoze, but they’re things that are swirling around in my head, or hitting me whenever I walk past something that reminds me. Besides, when is a good time to do them if there’s never a good time to do them?

On top of all that, I have intensive social engagements coming up the next 3 weeks. An old friend coming in from out of town and staying with us, a river trip with a group of friends, and a weekday back yard wedding a couple hours away. These are objectively good things, but they’re things I need to plan around and budget time, money, and energy for.

All this to say, I am exhausted. I am tired. I feel worn out and defeated. I want to have a pity party, I want to quit being an adult for just a little while. I can’t though. I’ve latched onto all these problems really tightly, and I feel like I can’t let them go. I can’t quit spouting off all the silver linings (at least we have money to cover it, at least they’re not emergencies, etc etc). Damnit, I just want it to not be okay for a little bit. I don’t want to overburden my wife. I know we’re a team. I also know I’ve been doing a bigger share of the teamwork the last few weeks between the car stuff and her being sick. When I start to resent that, I tell myself it’s not fair to her, and I need to continue pulling my weight. This isn’t a competition, it’s a mission. There are no days off. Even rest days are carefully planned to make sure nothing important is disrupted.

I feel like I’m whining. I feel like I need to have a better attitude and be grateful for all my blessings, because none of this is catastrophic, and these issues are all products of my good fortune. I told my therapist as much, and he said there’s no reason to pay him when I just told him everything he’d try to communicate to me. I keep thinking people out there have actual problems, and would trade places with me in an instant. I remind myself that I could have an actual problem at any time, unexpectedly, that would put my life on hold and put all this into perspective. My grandmother broke her hip a couple weeks ago, and I’m worried about my new car? I also recognize that all this is false, toxic thinking, and that my stress is real and I need to acknowledge that, but to what end? What does it change? Shit still needs to get handled. I want off the merry-go-round, but if I get off it will keep going and leave me behind.

[Wings]

You have both positive and negative stressors. Either type can be exhausting. You’re also processing a lot of changes. That’s stressful. Anyway, don’t feel bad about finding things difficult right now. They are. Some worries need to be prioritized, and hopefully action can be taken on those you can resolve. Worrying won’t help your grandma’s hip, but you do need to resolve issues with your car.

You’re juggling a lot of details. That’s very tiring. With all that’s going on, it’s still worth taking breaks when you can. Take 30 minutes to think about absolutely nothing that’s on your agenda. You can take more or less time, but a period of mental/emotional release will help you function more efficiently, and feel less fatigued. I maintain a practice of “mini-meditations.” That’s fifteen or twenty minutes of visualizing, daydreaming or both. Think of it as re-booting your brain.

The chaos you’re dealing with will diminish sooner or later. Take care, Wings

[DiscordReply]

From: eloquentpetrichor

response:Hey there, friend! I’m sorry that life has been so stressful right now. I’m glad you are able to recognise all of the things you are struggling with and keep everything in perspective while keeping it all straight.

With your car issue was there some written communication about the car and its condition or was it all done over the phone? If there is any written communication then you should definitely have the ability to hold the previous owner/dealership to some liability of their lies. At the very least it can give you the ability to threaten legal action over the misrepresentation. Did you get the carfax for the car? If there are lies in that then you definitely have the ability to get some money back at the very least or have some serious legal ammo.

All of that aside I’m glad that you are handling your adult responsibilities so well even though you want to just not be an adult for a bit. I feel that mood almost every day I have to wake up for work. Adulting is not fun but we all have to do it.

Good luck fellow adult! You’ve got this

[DiscordReply]

From: ManekiNeko

first I want to say that I’m sorry that you feel like the things you’re dealing with aren’t worth being heard and acknowledged. I know you know this, but comparing problems isn’t going to help anyone. Ignoring problems because someone else may have it “worse” isn’t going to make your problems better. You’re allowed to feel what you feel and struggle with what you struggle with.

oh man, cars are hard, especially if you’re doing a deal through someone online or if you haven’t seen the car before purchase. Where I live you can get someone to provide a road worthy certificate which means it has to be up to government standards and the current owner is then responsible for any fees to get it to that state. You can also ask for transfer of registration which saves more fees or is at least a smaller fee than a complete new registration. I guess it’s kind of a learning curve with these things. I don’t know if asking about those things will be helpful to you in future, but I do hope so and that the cost of these new cars isn’t too much burden on other areas. I know how expensive housing and bills all cost. Some days it feels like a head above water situation.

has your wife made a recovery at all? Has she been able to access any health care or have any health visitas by a district nurse? I’m not sure what happens where you are in that regard, but I do hope she’s recovering. Struggling on your own when your partner is unwell is in itself a big burden, so I hope she’s making a come back.
I know I didn’t cover all you’ve mentioned here, but I just wanted you to know that you’re heard and that it’s okay to talk about your struggle and to share the things that have been making life harder. We are here for you

[DiscordReply]

From: Rohini_868

Ohh sounds like a lot going on all at once for you ! Feeling short-changed or even scammed via the purchase of the cars is a horrible feeling, especially if you’re now stuck with it. I do have a tiny question - what led you to sell both cars and buy two others at the same time? Here, it’s such a pain and a hassle to do that, it seems like a huge feat to do all four at the same time.

I’m glad your wife is doing better, that must have been an emotionally trying time for both of you, and I hope that things between you two are good.

You’ve also said a lot of the things I want to say to you. You know it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and want a break, you know others are worst off, but you also know that there is no trophy for suffering. Can you make a giant listing f ll the things to do, and throw a dart at it to pick what gets down soon? It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of it in your head. Maybewriting it down, delegating some of it to your wife, will help you not have to carry it all in your mind all of the time!

[Micro]

My dear friend. It’s not much, but I’m thinking of you and I’m rooting for you. You’ve had enough on your plate lately, and however it makes you feel, it is valid. We all have our shit to deal with and nothing needs to be compared when it’s about what overwhelms us.

Hopefully you can stop being an adult sometimes - maybe even this week end? I have found myself lying down on the ground, looking at clouds passing by just as I loved doing when I was a child. And what not: silly dances listening to some very heavy metal music! It’s okay to take a break from adulting matters, even if it’s “only” for a few minutes.

Sending plenty of friendly vibes and energy for your intensive social engagements incoming. That alone is enough to deplete our energy! How you feel is more than valid, and to be honest something that I believe is highly relatable to many of us. Sometimes life has this way to make our agenda full of commitments and responsibilities that, alone, wouldn’t be too stressful. But taken all together, without the possibility of taking a breath? That may be a good reminder of slowing down in the areas where you can (or at least trying), and making sure that you keep being your own priority through it all, even when it feels like you can’t. You are allowed to be human and to say it.