No way to see each other?

[Lee]

Hi guys,

So my gf and I have been going steady for over a year. However an obstacle approaches us quickly that could make or break things. Currently my gf is living in an apartment with roomates. And that’s been our main source of seeing each other was at her apartment. Unfortunately due to culture, she is obligated to care for her essentially handicapped mother and baby her for the rest of her life. Because of that she will be moving back home in June. My girlfriend mentioned even that it was a mistake for her to rent for as long as she did because leaving her mother alone was just a bad idea. (We met during her renting). On top of that, she just got a new 2nd shift job which is also changing her weekend to Tuesday and Wednesday.
So that’s her side. On my side, I used to rent an apartment for 2+ years but I met my girlfriend at the tail end of when I myself had to move back home due to rent taking too much of a financial burden on me. So for the majority of knowing my gf, I’ve been living at home with my parents. But as soon as I moved back home I started saving for a long term house. Which isn’t easy to do and takes time. But I should be projected to have a really nice down payment + more come end of this year beginning of next year. In which I can start looking for a place. But until then, I am living with my parents.

With both of us living with our parents and both of us having completely different schedules, she became extremely stressed and worried that our relationship will really take a setback. I did my best to calm her down and I think I did for the time being. But she’s not wrong. And although I’m keeping more of a level head, I too am worried that we won’t make it through this.

Here’s the breakdown so far of my thinking process. My first initial thought was simply we spend time with each other at our parents house. Me personally I have 0 problems with that. I am comfortable enough and trust her enough and I’ve met her family to be able to do that. I’ve even stayed over her families place twice. Once when her mother and sister was around and once when they weren’t. And it went really well. But unfortunately, my girlfriend loves privacy. She is and never will be comfortable spending quality time with me while her family or my family are around. This I don’t fully understand but there’s nothing I can do about it. I mentioned to her she’s welcome at my families place whenever she wants. She’s met my folks. But she was disgusted by that idea and said “that’s high school shit I don’t stay over my bfs parents house that’s just, no I don’t do that”. (In her defense our ages are high 20s) so part of me gets it, but the other part of me thinks that if it’s for our relationship, then maybe that sacrifice might be necessary.

Some more thoughts that ran through my mind
1. My family owns a vacation house about 2+ hours away. I could easily secure time for us alone there at any point in time. But it’s still 2+ hours away making it an automatic inconvenience. Especially since our work schedules are so mismatched. (I work from 7:30 to 4:00 M-F) (she will be working 3:00pm -11:00pm Thursday-Monday) We basically won’t be able to see eachother unless one of us takes time off.
2. Staying at some sort of convenient inn or hotel for Tuesday and Wednesday?? It would damage my pockets, but it wouldn’t be as bad as what she suggested which was me just renting a place again and saying I could find a place for under $1000 a month which is impossible now adays. Even if I did rent, it would push back me getting a house which is my ultimate goal, and essentially her goal as well since we’d have privacy.

So anyway I come to Heart support for some suggestions. I’m truly at a loss at what we can do to make things work

[Sapphire]

Ok. Let me first preface this with a short rundown of what my marriage looked like the first couple of years.

We met each other in Job Corps, during which time we lived in separate states. Eventually I moved in with his parents and paid them rent to live in their attic space while my husband finished his last year or so of college 8 hours away. I worked to save up money for a car and every handful of months I would see my husband for a couple of days. After he was done with school we worked opposite shifts like you and your girlfriend are now. We eventually got an apartment, still worked opposite shifts.

We are also now getting ready to close on a house.

Anyways, now that thats all said and done, I have some input.

Long distance and/or opposite shifted relationships suck, there’s no two ways about it. You should take advantage of what little time you do have together to do something relaxing and meaningful. And that doesn’t mean hanging out at your parents house, I’m sorry to say. I honestly see where your girlfriend is coming from with this and have the same feelings.

Maybe go out for a day/night on the town, just driving or go for a nice dinner or watch the sun rise or set. Talk about stuff. Really appreciate each others company and cherish it because you don’t get much.

Saving for a house is a good idea. I would skip out on renting a place too, because buying a house is expensive. Even if you go the route we went (first time home buyers loan which requires no down payment), we have still spent several thousand dollars out of pocket over the process. I would recommend having a good $10k saved up if you go the no down payment route and negotiate for the seller to pay closing costs. This allows you the funds to buy any appliances you will need, inspections, appraisals, utility deposits, random stupid stuff that inevitably comes up.

This route is not for everyone but if you’re like us and REALLY wanted to move but it would take many years to save up a 20% down payment on top of the side cash for all the stuff I listed above, then maybe go the route we took. It took us about 6 months to save $10k but we had to spend half of it to buy a used car when ours went kaput. After that we just used what was left and any extra income we had coming it and it has worked out.

I say hang in there. This chapter of your lives will be very challenging but once you get through this chapter, the next will be so much better because you’ll have a greater appreciation for each other and your time together. At the same time, there is no shame in saying you can’t do it. If its too hard on you emotionally, I understand. I went through a depressive state for some time while we were long distance but it was just one of those things where I was willing to go through the crappy start to have a happy end somewhere down the road.

But yea, those are my suggestions. Best of luck to you.