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No will to live

honestly what’s the point? this have just been getting worse for ten years. i could have killed myself ten years ago when i actually wanted to and none of this shit would have happened. i wouldn’t have to deal with constant ocd and intrusive thoughts and anxiety every fucking day. sure i have “good” days, and then i have weeks of bad days because of it. the good doesn’t outweigh the bad at this point. all i do is think about how i could kill myself now. and it’s all becoming too much with more family moving into this house. it’s too much noise and triggers. i’ve just been blasting music in my headphones to drown out everyone else but then i cant enjoy shows and other things because they aren’t consistently loud enough. at this point i don’t even tell my intrusive thoughts and feelings from my actual ones. so i can’t tell if i’m a disgusting person or not and i’d rather just not deal with all of this. i’m not able to handle anymore of this and then even more bad stuff happened to trigger my ocd and it’s just too much. i can’t cope with it, not even small stuff and then everything was thrown at me. meds don’t fucking help, they just make me physically and mentally numb but at this point i’d rather just be numb to everything, but i don’t even have my meds anymore anyway. so fucking tired of being stuck in an abusive and toxic household. i’ve been doing this for 16 years and i’m just?? what the fuck is even the point. i won’t even be able to move out and i’m almost 20. by this point i’ll have nothing left mentally when i’m able to move out, so what’s the point? my family doesn’t fucking care about me and all they do is try to make me forgive my abuser and manipulate me. my friend and boyfriend can move on if i die, they deserve better anyway and i know they can find it. i however, deserve death if my intrusive thoughts are actually how i feel.

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Hey Limey - I hear your pain in this post. It sucks to live in a toxic environment, especially in the case of abuse. Whether that’s ongoing or not - it’s hard to heal if your situation and those surrounding you don’t support that. It sounds like you are trying the best you can. Intrusive thoughts may be out of your control right now, you can’t blame yourself for having them. It can be really upsetting and highly frustrating to feel you have no say in what your brain is telling you. But remember that your intrusive thoughts aren’t YOU - they are a symptom. It may be incredibly hard to function when obsessive thoughts are running around in your head all day. Have you tried things like meditation or reframing? You’ve already shown strength by surviving through trauma, and it sounds like you really want to find the strength to move forward as well. I would encourage you to talk to a professional - they can help you cope and heal and continue.

In case you decide you do want to talk to someone:
Suicide Lifeline in the US: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Transgender Lifeline: US: 877-565-8860 | Canada: 877-330-6366
International: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
To text with a trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME 741741
US National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

It is NEVER too late, and YOU MATTER.

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thank you for responding, it means a lot to me. it just sucks because i’ve tried every way to cope and it doesn’t seem to help. i also can’t afford a therapist right now. all i’m doing at this point is constantly venting here in hopes that someone will offer a magic solution to help me escape my house. i know it’ll never happen and it’s sorta dumb of me to think this way, but i just don’t have much else.

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Hi Limey. Have you considered leaving your house? Maybe finding a way out? Even if that means going to a shelter for people with abuse problems? I think you need help and people to lean on outside of your current environment. You aren’t getting the support you need. Maybe you also could benefit from peace and quiet. I’m a super sensitive person to sound, taste, smell - all of the senses - and try hard to control my environment. It sounds like he’ll to be in your situation. No wonder you feel suicidal. But that isn’t you - or the vote of you. That is your circumstances. You need to find a way to move yourself into a healthier place where you can find some peace and think more rationally. If you are only 20 - then that is still such a young age that it is hard for you to have your own sense of identity. You can continue to develop that outside of your toxic situation. Because you have experienced this for 10 years doesn’t mean you have to continue to. Do something to help yourself get out of this. The suicide prevention hotline may be able to suggest resources to you. Don’t give up. You can have a better life but you have to take some different and scary steps from the ones you may have taken the last 10 years

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Oye. My typing. Hell instead of he’ll. Core instead of vote.

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i unfortunately don’t have any of those resources nearby or any friends to stay with, so it’s kinda hard for me to find a place to stay. but thank you for commenting on my posts, it feels nice to be heard.

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