I don’t need anyone telling me I am worthy or not a mistake. I feel and know those things so deeply in my core that there is no words or affirmation or consolation that I can experience that would change me. I am so optimistic about my future and keep trying over and over and over again. Each time I fail. And fail. And fail. Every person that I know from my family to my closest friends to my wife, believe I am a lost cause. They don’t let a day go by without questioning my intent and whether or not I am working on becoming a better human being. I try my hardest to be better. I try my damndest to provide for my loved ones. I work but lose my credibility. I lose jobs every couple months and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I gave up months ago and tried to kill myself. And I got flack for that. How selfish I am… how worthless can I have been feeling… so I know now, I have a problem. I got medicated and yeah I don’t really get unaware of how depressed I am. I am aware of it now. Aware of how much of a failure I am. Aware of how incompetent I am. Aware of it all. And still I get torn apart from every body I know. I am trying so hard to get by and so hard to prove to those I love that I am not a complete loser. That I can provide and be a person that others can depend on. I am homeless, lost, working my ass off, trying to hang on to my new job, and trying to repair my marriage, my relationships, and trying not to fall into depression and anxiety. My entire life is at the cusp of implosion. When it already exploded. I feel so terrible about myself because I know that my decisions have led me to the place that I am at today. Its the type of accountability I need to take to move forward, but it’s so hard to have the strength to believe in myself again. I become successful for a day and feel like I am beginning to gain ground but the next day its crumbled by something just something that I manage to do to completely wreck everything I am working for. My marriage had high hopes, but I completely managed to screw that up. My ambition is still there, but completely hopeless. My chance to redeem myself completely failed after I failed to show how sorrowful I am. I repented and was denied forgiveness. I begged and asked over and over again, but each time seems like wasted effort. I cant think of anything but reflect on how I could have done things differently. My mistakes haunt me each day, each night, in my dreams and in every waking thought. I cannot get my failure out of my head and out of my life. I am doomed to this hell. I am doomed to this existence. I feel like I would be better gone from this universe. But how can I do that now, now that I have a child? I love him. I can not abandon him here. But here I contradict myself and think, wouldn’t he be better off without this miserable loser of a father. I don’t love my father even though he did everything he could to make sure I had a house over my head? And food to eat most of the time? I don’t know if I can even provide that for my wife and child. My wife and child are being taken care of my in-laws, which despise my existence. I don’t know why but every choice I make seems to run me into the ground.
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That is a completely isolating and heartbreaking experience. I believe you that you are trying. Keep in mind that what makes a person “successful” or “worthy” is completely arbitrary. In another world not dictated by work or money, this could be a very different story. You wanting to change and provide for your family is more than a lot of others can say. I’m sorry you’re feeling so defeated and lost. I wish I could offer more than my condolences. Stay strong x