Nobody Cares

I finished a book today for the first time in a couple months. All the books I read are about family problems and depression and the person in the story always ends up feeling better about their mental health. These types of stories really help me but they always have subjects of suicide or self harm. Whenever i’m reminded of those subjects I would like to do those things. I tried to kill myself in the summer last year but was unsuccessful. I just want to know what it feels like or what happens when you die. I get scared about actually dying though. I have been free of self harm for 3 years now but I think everyday about harming myself. I linger too long at rope or some box cutters, its like they’re put there on purpose. I have been getting more and more depressed again, even though its sunny out. It’s tiring, trying to be normal for friends or family. After my dad screamed in my face and told me i wasn’t depressed after i tried to tell him i wanted to die, I no longer talked to him about how i felt. I sit in my room all day and stare at a screen. Most of the time i feel like I’m doing nothing with my life. I binge eat and don’t go out. My friends mock me when I’m hungry. I’m just tired. I want to see my mom again but that will never happen. Rebirth and heaven doesn’t exist, nobody will meet me when i die. It will just be nothing. As it always has been. I want to feel blood gushing down my arms and bandages all over me, I love the feeling of bandages. I want to not be able to walk, to have the cuts so deep i can’t move. I want someone to give a shit, see that I’m not okay. I want someone to hug me like it matters instead of passing me off after a day of crying that makes me okay now. I’m not okay… I haven’t been okay. And nobody cares. Crisis lines don’t care, hospitals don’t care. Nobody cares.

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Hi

The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here. Hold fast friend, and lean on this community.

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thanks for replying. i feel bad that u guys had to read that, i don’t like making anyone feel bad but thanks

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@foobie
I am so sorry you are struggling. This is not easy to deal with by any means. It is something that a lot of people do not have the ability to understand or share this with others. I am so sorry it is so hard. I am going to say I am super proud of you for sharing this. That is a big step to healing and growing stronger. We are here for you and I hope you get some support and help.

This is not okay that your dad yelled at you for this. It is not in your control that you are depressed or that you want to die because of it. A parent should be the first to support you. My own mother was not supportive of me when I shared my issues I was facing. That was kind of how I came about finding this community I needed somewhere and I found heartsupport.

If I was closer I would sit with you as long as you needed and let you lay on my shoulder and cry it out if need be. I would be there to give hugs as needed. You deserve that chance to have someone to talk to to help you to know that you are struggling. I know it isnt the same here but we are here for you.

Hold fast
Ash

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I’m sorry you had a similar experience with your parents. Thanks for taking the time to reply

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