I feel like a parent and a babysitter to someone I never should have had to parent, let alone interact with. Its left me feeling trapped and unable to express my emotions in my own house. I always have to be so careful as to not upset someone, as if I get upset than other people in the house get upset and I have to console them instead.
This all stems from my father having dissociative identity disorder and having 7 alters in the same mindspace. They range from a five year old to an ageless fae creature. And its not the disorder that I have issues with. Most of the alters I can deal with, but the five year old is harder and more temperamental than the rest. The rest of the alters give him what he wants, so it always comes down to me parenting him and telling him what he can and cannot do.
I feel like I’m at a breaking point since I have to take care of my father but its not in the way that most people think of. I’m going to start my next semester of college in a few days and I’m terrified of how the video calls and stuff will go since he takes up so much of my time. He also does things without asking like destroying toys because he wants a figurine.
I’m in therapy but I feel like no amount of therapy will truly help with this.
Welcome to the forums, @kaijivara! I am so proud of you posting on the support wall for the first time. It’s always okay to ask for help. In fact, asking for help is brave. It’s really good to hear that you’re in therapy, though it will take some time because working on yourself and your mental health is always an ongoing battle. This sounds really difficult to have to parent your own father because of an identity disorder. While not having experience with dissociative identity disorder I do have experience with having to take care of a parent and it is not a pleasant experience.
My mother never went to therapy for her mental health problems so I didn’t know exactly what she was dealing with but she was an alcoholic so it made dealing with her worse than “normal”. I often had to take care of her, putting her to bed, picking up after her, going to the store when I got older to pick up cigarettes for her. My siblings and I were always expected to do all the chores around the house and if we didn’t do something correctly she would lash out either emotionally or physically towards us. I remember one time finding her wandering around the house drunk. She wouldn’t listen to me about going to bed and instead she fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospital. It was just a really toxic environment to grow up in. I wasn’t able to go to therapy many years later for it.
I decided in the end to move out after being threatened to get kicked out multiple times. Honestly it was the best decision, separating myself from my mom. It’s not fair to put that kind of responsibility on your child. They are your kid, you’re suppose to love and take care of them. I always imagine that yes one day I would have to take care of my parents but that wouldn’t be until they were much older and needed assistance not during my entire childhood when I was trying to grow up, go to school, graduate and figure out what I wanted to do with my life.
So overall I can only imagine the stress you are going through with having to take care of your own parent. I don’t know what the best option is for you moving forward because I think only you can figure that out but I hope that you can get away from this situation. If there is someone else there to take care of your father because I imagine having this disorder he’s mentally unfit to take care of himself, like the state needs to step in or something. This is a really difficult situation and I am sorry I don’t have more helpful advice, but just know you’re not alone in the non-parental parent area. I hear you. Stay strong, Kaijivara!
I echo Amayas sentiment, it’s incredible that you are taking care of him, and reaching out for help.
The thing is, this isn’t your responsibility. Your first priority is to make sure you’re safe, and your mental health is being taken care of, so it’s extremely important to remember that THAT comes first.
You didn’t choose to have this, you have your own life to live, and you deserve to live it. I realize that things aren’t always this simple, but I do think there’s a power in taking a second to look at the simple truths in life sometimes.
IMO, the best course of action would be for your dad to seek outside care. He doesn’t sound like he can take care of himself, and it’d be best for him to be in a place where people are paid to take care of him to the best of their ability. He’ll also get the kind of focus and attention someone who struggles with DID should receive. Additionally you’ll be able to live the life you were meant to live, instead of living it for someone else.
Best wishes Kaiji, We’re here if you ever need to hear that you’re loved, and you matter
Hey there! Welcome to the forums! I have symptoms of DID/OSDD and currently have own alter who is relatively the same age as me, so I don’t totally understand but I can say that I suggest you look for outside care and care takers made to handle the job of someone with DID, i can understand it must be very stressful to have to go through someone who changes from an adult to someone so young. Try to do your very best finding caretakers near you who know DID very well or have a record of caring for those who have dissociative disorders. And may I ask, is this a recent thing or a much more old thing? With the whole DID thing, I just want to know so I can try to help you the best I can :>
Thanks to everyone who responded. It really means the world to me.
I will take some of your suggestions to heart. My mom, who also takes care of my father, is aware of my wanting to get out and potentially move closer to my college for when it opens back up. She supports me, though she is apprehensive about it since it would leave her alone to deal with it.
We are trying to get my father as much help as we can since the area that I’m in is not super specialized in mental health care. There is a psychiatric institution, but there is a financial aspect to that and there are older alters who just don’t take responsibility.
This is more of a recent development of a diagnosis, but the amnesic episodes and mental health issues have been present for all of my life that I can remember.
The alters first appeared full a few months ago, but looking back on some of the hospitalizations there are instances that my father acted as someone totally different, which we realize now was the other alters. Some of the alters remember older trauma so we can assume that they have been there the entire time.
Alright, so from what I get is that you now know them as alters entirely from a few months back but see that they exist from a long long time ago. People with DID usually get their alters and symptoms at a very young age, mostly when there is huge trauma that caused it.
These alters will be a part of him forever, in no way removing them from the equation is gonna help your father. From what I get he still has trauma to work through, if he doesn’t already hook him up with a therapist who knows about dissociative disorders to work through any problem he has.
While I’m not sure about institutions and where your father can get a caretaker (Im literally still young so I can give advice financially and such) I recommend you build different environments for each alter, from what I get about the young alter it may have appeared due to childhood trauma your father went through so I suggest to observe the young alter whenever the little guy fronts and see what gets him nervous or into a fit, usually kids don’t know how to handle stressful situation and may come off as a temper tantrum. Try to make sure you build and environment where he can stay calm and happily doing whatever whilst you work. The key thing here is to have your alters feel safe as well as your father too.
Also remember, alters are made as a safety mechanism from our brains, your dad’s alters are also there to help your dad as well, but you need to treat alters as an individual and not some quirk in the brain. I did that with Trevar and it was a mess that I had to fix myself.
So in the meantime as you find someone try to look into the alters and see what makes them comfortable, especially the youngest alter, that’s an alter that I can say is very likely appeared from sever mental trauma so you need to be sure to build up a safe environment for that alter.
I hope this helps, I haven’t been diagnosed but currently getting diagnosed but I have symptoms and I looked into it a bunch so yeah I’m sorry if I said anything off.
I’ve been okay. School has kind of taken my mind off of my family situation and given me something else to worry about in a sense. The school said that we might go back on campus for the Fall semester so I might be able to get my own apartment or dorm room so that will be nice.
The system is a bit rough right now since there was a situation with lying and betrayal that created a rift between alters and the external relationships.
I’m just trying to hold on and get through.
