So this morning I discovered my chest right at the sternum is sore, and I’m pretty sure this is because I sleep scrunched up like a dead spider. It’s pretty normal for me to have muscle soreness after waking up, but today I decided to google sore sternum. It’s recommended to never google symptoms as that road typically leads to ‘cancer’ as the answer. It’s not cancer, it’s just dead-spiderisms.
But it just hit me that I wouldn’t be upset if I learned I had a year to live, or however long. Permission to not give a fuck anymore. My future is trapped in this dead-end job, stuck in this house that isn’t mine, with people telling me how to live my life and do things I’ve done a million times before. It’s never My Way. I don’t have the power to say No in my own habitat, and I’m not allowed to be upset about it.
So dying doesn’t seem so bad. The only thing that upsets me is that my cat would be left alone. He’s so attached to me, he’d never be the same.
And now I feel guilty, because I have a good family who cares for me, and I can’t bring myself to feel bad for them in the case of my own death. Or my friends, who claim I’m important to them, I can’t feel bad for them either. They have other friends, they’ll be fine.
There’s a really positive, thoughtful tiktok that answers the ‘what happens to other people after you die’ question and I think I have to go and watch it again.
The hole you would leave if you left would not be able to be replaced by someone else.
I know it can be scary to have this realization that you wouldn’t be as sad as you feel like you should be if you had a life ending diagnosis, but I’m wondering if maybe this moment could ignite some positive change for you in your life. Is it possible for you to start looking for a new job or adding hobbies you’ve been putting off to your schedule. Could you find ways to set boundaries with people so that you don’t feel so influenced by their wants and desires. These are just some thoughts but I’m wondering if it’s possible to use this moment as one that could be the catalyst for a more exciting and joyous future.
Sending love to you friend! I’m so glad you’re here. This community cares for you!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart in such a honest and vulnerable way. The way you feel truly makes sense. As you describe your life right now, it sounds that something is missing. It’s like, somehow, you don’t own your life, you’re not embracing it because you feel stuck and forced to live in a certain way… this is a good recipe for feeling like we don’t belong. When life seems out of our control, there’s a moment when we just want to shrug our shoulders and say “whatever”. It makes us feel like we don’t have the energy to even care anymore.
In such circumstances, feeling like you wouldn’t care if you’d learn tomorrow that you’d only have a year to live makes sense. When life feels nonsense, it loses its rarity. We lose the spark that makes us want to cherish every breath we take. However, the reality is generally different when we actually receive a difficult diagnosis such as a cancer. It shakes our world with a sense of emergency, and more than ever we’re likely to feel guilt and remorse for all the things we didn’t do, for all the opportunities we didn’t catch, for all the actions we didn’t take in order to live the life we wanted.
With your post and the thoughts you’ve acknowledged, there is something important to say: you are not dying right now. You are full of life, of time, of potential. So how to get unstuck form this situation you’re in right now? How to start to create your way? What are your needs and what’s your next step? These questions can be scary at first, but it can also be the beginning of something positive for you. The lack of fear regarding death can be understood through the lens of a fierce desire to live and follow your own path. It’s not really about death, it’s about an urge to live the life you want, because there’s a vivid spark of life in your heart waiting to shine brightly. So what can you do today, tomorrow, to initiate this journey of yours?
As a start, and if you’re willing to give it a try, I’d recommend you to give a try to the following exercise. Good way to initiate some inner work and reflection:
You’ve heard many advices that weren’t meaningful to you. Maybe now is a time to dig in yourself. Because you are right, this life is yours. And I’ll add that this life is worth fighting for, because YOU are worth the efforts it would take to get unstuck from a situation that doesn’t fulfill your heart. Disappearing is not the way, friend. There is potential and time ahead for you. I believe in you and in the fact that you will learn, at your own pace, to use it and embrace your future as much as possible. You have what it takes to change the narrative, to make a difference.