Not advice? Just writing at night when I am struggling.. opinion? @kitboga

That feeling when you’re just above the water enough to bob your head and get some air. That feeling when you know the drop is coming on the roller coaster and your stomach sinks. That feeling when you’ve cried so much that you can’t catch a breath, and it begins to hurt in your chest. That feeling when someone squeezes you too tight while giving you a hug. That feeling when you forget to eat, and your hands begin to shake. I couldn’t explain it to someone who’s never experienced anxiety, but this is the best I could do.

That feeling when the urge to bang your head against the wall is screaming at you. The feeling when you feel the definition of crazy, and you can’t shake it. That feeling when someone close to you has passed away and time stops for a moment and everything is silent. That feeling when the noise in your head becomes too loud, and you want to scream, but you can’t. That feeling when they tell you something is wrong, and leave on a cliffhanger, and your chest feels tight like you’re about to faint. That feeling when you know you want to do something, but you can’t figure out what, but you know you need to do something, but your body won’t let you get out of bed. There’s so much more feelings to describe what I feel on a daily basis, even with the medication I take on a spotty schedule. I know you’ll read this and even with zero background in medical you’ll say “Well, you know you’re supposed to take those daily. These medications only work on a consistent schedule.” You don’t understand. People with no knowledge of mental illness, because they’ve never experienced it, never know. I forget what I just did two minutes ago, yet I can remember the day I was adopted, twenty-three years ago. I have a list of things I must do before the day ends, yet I sit in bed and contemplate the thought of not being here. The constant scenario of things that COULD happen, and WOULD happen if I went through with my thoughts take up mass amounts of space in my brain… where does the medication schedule fit? It doesn’t, it fits when the thoughts are quiet and the voices are on vacation.

What is like to live without a constant nagging feeling of knowing, if not sad today, you’ll be sad tomorrow? What is it like to wake up and just be happy? Please, share with me the brain you’ve been so lucky to receive from whatever God created us. Why has he chosen me; a person with no special outlook, or skills in life, to be given a brain that barely allows me to get out of bed in the morning. Do you live every day in silence? Does your brain stay quiet, only when you speak to it does it talk back? Is there never a steady stream of questions coming from inside that keep you up at night and make you wonder what it would have been like if you just said that one little thing, instead of the thing you did actually say in that conversation you had a week ago. Tell me, tell me what it is like to live normal. I want to be able to experience normalcy in life without having to medicate myself in a routine to feel peace. I want to be able to walk around my own house without feeling like I am in a transparent box going in circles. I walk around emotionless because I know the door I locked in my brain has sadness and suicidal thoughts sitting, knocking, and waiting for me to open. I block the bad, but I block the good too. Do you experience good times without feeling guilty of being happy? Do you enjoy the moment when it happens and does your mind never wander? What is like to experience life without a shadow following, ready to outdo the entire memory? What is it like to be able to give happiness the stage it deserves without mental illness creeping behind the curtain ready to steal the spotlight? Is your life good? Are you thankful for it? Despite the hard times, can you still smile and be happy about the good times? What is it like to live without a mental illness? Can you tell me why I was chosen, and not you? I don’t believe I am any stronger than any other person in the world. I am chipping, I am twenty-seven. How long will it take before I have nothing left to chip away from? Will that day come?

@Kitboga

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Hello Obeylynn

I am going to try to not give you advice, but just talk from my own perspective in my own Mental Health Recovery. Since you are just looking for opinions and not advice. I can’t tell you what it is like to live without mental illness, because I have been mentally ill my entire life. My symptoms have existed since grade school. I also believe that medicine is just a tool, and that it is not a fix. I look at medicine as a tool to try to create enough space in the things I am going through, to be able to begin to try to approach them through self-growth and therapy. If medicine is not working, then I would recommend talking to your prescriber about changing things. Figuring out what you can find that is a more useful tool for YOU, in feeling better. One of the hardest things about medicine and therapy is that we all are different. Regardless of if I have experienced the same things you are experiencing yourself.(I relate to most things you are going through deeply). It does not mean that the things that worked for me to gain perspective and start to shift into a more positive place, will work for you.

An example of this would be, that one of the life changing events that opened me up was my dad dying in my arms in my Kitchen. It changed me. I can’t relay how, or why this changed me, but it deeply effected me. It taught me how to feel empathy towards others in ways I never knew I could. I did not even know how un-empathetic I truly was until that moment, and the racing thoughts and pondering that followed. No my brain doesn’t talk to me when I want it to. My thoughts are almost never ending. I did not even know this was abnormal until my Dr told me it was. I thought everyone experienced constant inner dialogue, and intrusive thoughts. Multiple separate events have helped to further my perspective and open me up to a better understanding of what I am going through. Some of those changes came through books, some of them came through deeply personal events. I have used medicine as a tool a long the way, but they had me on SO many different kinds, before we found combinations that worked for me. It was/is not the most fun process in the world to go through. I know it can be frustrating to want to be better, and not be seeming to make any progress. A thing that helped me with being able to do more every day and maintain a better routine(including taking my medicine) was a book. Atomic Habits. Again I do not know if this would help anyone else. But it helped me. One thing I think is important is that you speak up and advocate for yourself when you are not well. I believe finding a safe and understanding places to share is one of the most powerful forms of therapy.

The event with my dad and many of the most life changing events I have gone through happened to me after I was 30 years old. You say you want to know what it means to be normal? I don’t really know if there is a normal. I believe that everyone is an individual who handles, feels, and experiences life in their own way. What is it like to know that you’ll be sad some days? I look at it like the hulk. I sometimes tell people. Just like Bruce Banner stops from becoming the hulk by always being angry. I tell people I’m similar but with Depression. I quit fighting what I was going through. I stopped trying to change myself, and fix myself. I decided to instead accept myself for who I am, what I am, and what I am going through. I now know that my Mental Illness is a part of who I am, and to ignore it, or to push away the negative/intrusive/self-detrimental inner thoughts, is to make them worse in the long run. I must share them with those who are willing to listen, or they will eat me alive. This is one thing that I think is healthy for all people in Mental Health Recovery, and it is what you are doing by sharing how you feel on these forums. Which can be very hard, especially if choosing to share even darker things then what you have already. Thank you for sharing, and you should be proud of yourself for being able to do so. I believe that peer support and sharing with people who can relate to you, instead of bottling up these intrusive feelings. Can be very therapeutic, and so far in my experience with other people who have began to share how they feel, after hiding it for so long. They seem to agree with me that sharing is beneficial to them.

“What is like to live without a constant nagging feeling of knowing, if not sad today, you’ll be sad tomorrow? What is it like to wake up and just be happy?”

I tell people that I wake up every day a monster, in fight or flight. Wanting nothing more then to sleep the day away, and avoid all the responsibilities and ambitions that I have been working on. That I have to then work to find my Garden before the end of the day. My place where I am not necessarily happy, but content. Life happens, some days there are too many things that don’t go the right way, and I never find my Garden. But where I used to fear never feeling well the next day. I now look forward to finding my Garden. Instead of knowing that there is a chance that I might be very depressed every day. I now see that there is a Chance that I might be able to find my Garden every day. My place of peace and content is what I mean by Garden. Before I didn’t see any possibilities of this, I had reached a place of no return. A place where I had thought that euthanasia should be legalized, and that I should be the first patient to receive it. Somehow, some way, I went from that person to a person who wants to live and strives to improve my situation and my self. I am here on HS for this very reason, because I wish to help others somehow find a space where they too can be more free from their Mental Illness. I don’t know the answers, but a huge part of my recovery was having a safe space to begin to share all the internal things that I had been hiding from the world and the people around me. I hope that you can find some relief in time, and feel free to continue to post and share what you are going through. No matter what it is. <3

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