Not doing so good

Hi
I hope you are having a nice day. Its time I think i made this post. I have enough energy to do so i think. I have not been doing good lately. Where do I even start. First of i am tired and burned out. I know people have told me to take a rest but that just doesnt work. Because I cant really do that. I have very limited safe spaces. My brother is drinking and it can be very exhausting to be around him, but thats nothing compared to my mother. She got very drunk the other day. She emptied mine and my brothers bags. Searched through them. Got paranoid. It made me mad that she did that. she laughed in my face. Then she tried to lock us out of the house with my brother and father and later she even hit my father. I was so angry at he i almost hit her. She was dead drunk and she called me a cunt and even worse names my father. Then she spilled he bier and tried to gaslight me that i did that despite the fact that i was in a different room. Ahhhhhh.

I had some personal crisis over stuff with people i know. And then there is the stuff with schools. I am just tired and I am trying to get the energy back its just hard and it doesnt work very well. I am just tired. I am tired of drunks and alcoholics. I doubt people I know, i doubt my trust in them and in myself. I am warry of people. I feel like I am alone and people will eventually just hurt me. I just want to feel good and not be so tired. I want to get better but i am also tired. I wanted to tell you this because I want people to know that I am spend ok. I hate to admit this but i am just down on my energy. I appretiate you all and I am sorry if I I am touchy or impulsive or not that reliable lately. I still want to be there for you and with you. I just wount probably be the anchor you need right now. I am sorry but I really need my energy back and I dont know how to do that.

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Thank you so much for sharing your feelings here. There is no shame that you feel vulnerable and unable to support others right now. You need to focus on helping yourself before you can help anyone else. If you have ever flown, you may remember the instruction is to put your oxygen mask on first, then get others assistance…. You can’t help anyone including yourself without the oxygen to breath and function.

Are the feelings you have had something you have felt before? What have you found as an outlet and/or support for you in the past? You have a lot of people here that care about you and want to help. This is a safe place to pour out your feelings and share your anguish and pain without judgment. I don’t know you or your circumstances, but I am willing to try to understand and I am confident there are many others here that are also willing to listen and gain understanding.

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Thank you coffeetalk
I have felt these feelings before. But this time they are much more persistent. I know I should focus on myself first but its not that simple. I dont really know what to do.I usually try to cope by reading, playing a video game, listening to music or going for a walk and while these things help me cope they dont help me regain my energy. And there is also anger inside me. Its caused by the tension within me. I have big moodswings. I have had suicidal thoughts and even created plan at one point in the last week but i didnt go through it. Its just exhausting.

Have you ever sought medical or professional help? I word it like that because I cannot function without meds and I by no means am saying it is as a blanket statement as if it will cure all. It is far from that but rather another tool in your toolbox to help manage and hopefully gain some traction.

Have you ever been diagnosed with clinical depression?

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Yes I have been diagnosed. I am also on antidepressants. My third one’s actually. Changed them multiple times including the change of dosage. I go to see a therapist but they are on a holiday now.

I just really dont know what to do. I am tired and numb. Not interested in much.

I know it is an ongoing battle and struggle. Even with meds, it is still not easy. But perhaps once your therapist is back from holiday, you can discuss a game plan to better approach the challenges? I of course don’t know specifics but perhaps discussing things with them could lead to more positive results. I also find that keeping a journal or having a creative outlet to get thoughts and feelings on paper or expressed has been helpful for me. Do you have something like this that may help?

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I am not really a person that would find journal keeping fun or productive. I have tried to do so several times but never quite got why it was important or fun or whatever. I dont really have a creative outlet either. Sometimes I make poems but i have to be in the mood for that. I will talk to my therapist once they return.

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I hope that your meeting with your therapist will be a good opportunity for you to let it all out and strategize ways to cope with these intense emotions that have been building up lately. Echoing the suggestion of @coffeetalk, maybe journaling as a regular activity would not be your thing, but what about using this outlet until you see your therapist? This could actually be a good way to track how you feel, your thoughts, and then talk about it with your therapist.

Journaling is definitely not fun (in my personal experience). It’s really hard and challenging to sit down with our thoughts and write them down. I have hated journaling for a very long time, but have definitely found it pretty cathartic, especially during times when grief was hitting me the most. Putting words on my emotions without any filter, in a space that no one gets to see (and potentially judge), can be very freeing, even though it is intense because it is also a way to be honest with ourselves regarding our emotional state.

I hope that no matter which way you use to cope in times to come, you will also make sure to stay safe. How you feel is valid and you deserve to find what works for you the most, depending on the circumstances at the moment.

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Hi Micro
I have tried journaling and really it isnt for me. First I dont want to keep my thoughts somewhere where my mum or anyone could read them. Second my moods and emotions change a lot but many time when I want to start to write i dont know what to write about. I really have tried journaling multiple times and I just dont find anything helpful about it. My therapist also encouraged me to try it but I only saw it as boring homework that didnt bring me anything. eventually they didnt make me do it anymore.

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That’s completely fine and understandable. Again, I hope you find coping mechanisms and outlets that would work for you and respond to your needs, with the help of your therapist. Your emotions and struggles deserve a place to be expressed, but also for you to thrive through them, with your very own tools. Take care.

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Thank you Micro. I am looking for ways to go through this until I can met with my therapist. thank you for the support.

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Do you already know when you would have an opportunity to meet them? I know you’ve mentioned they are on vacations, although I hope you can have some practical perspective to hold on to as well.

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Well I think we have a meeting 8 days from now. I am honestly thinking of some kind of alternative. I feel like I am not moving anywhere. I cant say she is bad therapist because she isnt but i just dont know. I really havent got better and I am going to her for more then half a year. I would like something that helps me.

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They can surely be a good therapist without necessarily being a good fit for you. Although, maybe it is her type of therapy/what she is trained that doesn’t match? Between the therapist (their personality, behavior, etc.) and the type of support they are trained for, it can surely be a real Tetris game. A year and half sounds like a reasonable time to see already if it works with her or not. Your intuition on that matter is generally a good indicator! If you feel that way at the moment, it’s definitely worth considering a possible change of therapist (if that is what you meant by alternative?).

Do you think you know what is it that you expect from therapy yet but can’t find? Only asking because sometimes it’s hard to tell between our perception of therapy and our needs, from what is actually working or not for us. If you don’t know yet what you could need/what could server you on therapy, has this experience with her, at least, been showing you what you don’t want and don’t need? (just like the journaling example above)

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I mean my therapist specializes in CBT. Now when she asked what is my goal with therapy I told her that i wanted to commit suicide several times and i didnt want to get in that situation where I feel like there isnt a better alternative. Well I have got into situations where I felt like dying many times and was very close to hurting myself since then. And I feel like when I got out of that place it was thanks to other people that were there for me or the fact that I knew what to do or just dumb luck. They were helpful sometimes but othertimes I just felt like I just… i dont know like i dint even know why i was going there.

Hello @Ashwell

I hope you are doing better than you were recently. Thinking of you as this is about the time you said you may be seeing your therapist. How did it go? Please post an update when you can as we want to hear how you are doing.

CoffeeTalk

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Hi coffeetalk
Thank you for checking in. No I haven’t talked to my therapist yet. I have an appointment next week on Monday. It’s also probably gonna be my last. I am ending my therapy there.

I’m happy to hear you are taking the step of talking to your therapist. I understand that therapy is very personal and it has to be the right setting. If you aren’t comfortable with the therapist or facility, it makes it hard or impossible to open up and express your deep feelings.

Please keep pressing on and keep fighting this battle. Keep us informed how you are doing and the progress. Everyday is a battle but one day at a time we can make it thru. We’re in this fight together!

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