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Not enough

I don’t know in what category this goes. Or where to start, what I want to say, or even what I want out of this. Ever since I can remember I have hated the way I look. I’m way to fat and I hate that. Even when I was 12-years-old and we were taught about heart- and vascular diseases I was convinced that I was gonna die from that within the next 3 to 5 years.
I didn’t die from it, but when I was 15 I found out that there’s a cholesterol disease (sorry might not the right word, but I don’t know what else to call it…), all of my dad’s siblings had it and from the children who got tested only my brother didn’t have it. So that meant that I have this disease that makes it more likely that I will die of something like a heart attack. and of course I blamed myself for that, tbh I still do. Because I’m the fat one. I’m the girl that has always been overweight her entire life and still is the biggest one of the family. Even when I was still doing sports 2 days a week and cycled to school every day… I was the fat blob that no one paid attention to. And even if they did pay attention to me I would just think that they made a mistake, because no one that nice could be talking to me… right? My function was to help people find their clique… no one actually wanted to be friends with me. I actually even thought that something was wrong with a girl when she still wanted to hang out in school after we knew each other for over a month, because no-one, absolutely no-one, ever stuck around that long.
I still have difficulty with the way I look and also with understanding why people would care. Because I don’t love me, so why would someone else care even the slightest?
There are days that I feel okay, and then someone gives me a compliment and I just know that it’s not true! I’m not that great person that they think I am. I’m not that talented! I’m not the person they think I am… I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m really not…
I have to go on medication for my depression now and it just feels like another failure. Another thing that I failed so bad at that I need to get medication. Just like my ADD… but maybe that’s still me not trying…
Sorry

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Hi, Miffy.

I can relate to much of this. I have always been overweight. Starting at a very early age. I later learned that I have PCOS. Which is a hormonal disorder that can cause obesity.

Friend I know the battles of being overweight. Of feeling ugly. The bullying and feeling like nobody will ever take you serious. I faced that so many years of my life. I know how awful it is.

But I want you to know that how heavy we are and our appearances is NOT what makes or breaks our worth as a person. It does NOT mean you are unlovable. You are NOT a blob.

Friend, I have always had a hard time taking compliments too but I am learning that we need to try to accept them. I cant always see what others see. So I resist against it and deny it. But love, if someone says you are a great person and that they see good in you, embrace that! <3 Really. Embrace the love that others want to give you. I know it’s hard but you should.

Its okay to need to go on medication. Me too (: It doesn’t make you a failure. If anything it means success. It means you are trying. Some of us have to go on medicine to help us get through the things that challenge us. I have to take medication to balance my moods due to BPD. I take medication for ADHD. I take medication for anxiety. To help me sleep. I take medication for the hormonal disorder. It’s very common for people to have to take medication for mental health. It doesn’t in any way mean failure.

You are loved. You are worthy of love. You matter. What you are experiencing matters.

If you want to talk more about how you are feeling, we are open to you. Share what you need. Its healthy to just vent out what is in our head. Sending you love <3

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hi @KittyKoyangi,
Thank you for the reply, but I don’t know how to not think this way… about everything…

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I understands. It’s very hard sometimes to come out of that thought process. It doesn’t happen over night. And it often is hard to do it alone. Its okay to ask for help via friends, therapy, family. Or if you go to church, its okay to reach out to pastors. Sometimes these things are hard to get through. Its very easy to trap ourselves in these thoughts and ways of thinking. Depression does that. It tries to tell you lies.

Just know that even though you may not know how to NOT think this way, it doesn’t mean you arent lovable. It doesn’t mean you dont hold value. It doesn’t mean you are any of the negative things that your mind tells you. Okay? And if you need to talk about it, this space is always always open to you.

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Hey miffy, I am new to this site so I am sorry if I say something wrong but ill try my best. I can not tell you how you feel, but I can tell you that I used to feel I am ugly and that I am a bad person. Don’t get me wrong I still do sometimes, but I learned that calling myself handsome every day and trying to be nice always no matter what.

Let me tell you this with all honesty. Personality is what makes someone beautiful, and you seem like a good person based on what I read. Imagine someone good looking but a bad person will be seen as an ugly person but someone who is good is always seen beautiful.

Something my therapist told me which helped is focus on your actions and not others. My mom since I was young would tell me whoever wants you stay with them, whoever doesn’t you don’t want them (she was telling me this because of my abusive family members).

I was skinny my whole life and I was made fun of my whole life, I decided to take action by working out as it helped my confidence and how I looked, I did it for my own sake. Fake your confidence at first and with time you will gain the confidence enough to know that you are beautiful and you will believe it is true, call yourself beautiful while looking in the mirror such as a certain physical quality, I used to always say I have nice eyes and now I believe it.

I hope this helps, and trust me when I tell you there are a lot of good people out there and you are one of them.

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hey @Armanii,

Thank you so much for your response and my apologies for my late response to this.
I will try this, although I do have to say that I’m already scared of the voice in my head that probably will be like “no you’re not” or “you know you’re lying to yourself”… but maybe it will shut up after a while… maybe…

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Hi @miffy,

It’s good to see you here. I remember what you shared before on different posts. I wish you’d have feel a bit better these days. :heart:

I didn’t die from it, but when I was 15 I found out that there’s a cholesterol disease (sorry might not the right word, but I don’t know what else to call it…), all of my dad’s siblings had it and from the children who got tested only my brother didn’t have it. So that meant that I have this disease that makes it more likely that I will die of something like a heart attack. and of course I blamed myself for that, tbh I still do. Because I’m the fat one. I’m the girl that has always been overweight her entire life and still is the biggest one of the family.

I’m sorry friend to hear about this disease… I can relate to the struggle of having a genetic disease in your family. It is very stressful… And I don’t really have words on this matter. Not even sure if there are right words to say. But my heart goes to you. :heart:

I’m also sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with your weight for such a long time. It sounds that there is some part of it that you can’t control, as it doesn’t change even if you’re active. Did you already have the occasion to talk about this with a doctor and/or a nutritionist?

Btw… you are not defined by your body or your weight. But the relationship you have with your own body, how you feel in your body is important. Your health is a priority of course. But I think that as long as we keep having that feeling of rejection towards our own body then nothing positive can come from this. I had struggled with eating disorders for many years… and still struggle a lot with how I feel in my own body. I still wake up everyday wishing that I could be different. And as I am sick these days, I just avoid mirrors. But even if our bodies looks a certain way, there is still a possibility for us to improve the way we feel.

I read once that accepting our body is different than loving it. Acceptance can lead to loving ourselves, but it’s only a step. It requires for us to grieve what would have been so we can accept what is, in the present moment - so how our body is right here and right now. It doesn’t mean it can’t change. It doesn’t mean we can’t take actions to be more healthy, to try different things. But it means that right here and right now our body is how it is. And we have two possibilities when we look at it: acceptance or reject. To me, acceptance grow through little actionsthat I will take for myself, so I can associate a positive feeling with a physical sensation. For example: taking a bath and actually taking the time to pass my hands on my body to feel it rather than see it. Or preparing myself so I can look pretty. Wearing clothes I like and in which I feel comfortable. Using body creams with a perfume that I love. Sometimes I will just even walk somewhere and take like 10 seconds when I’m back home to be thankful to my own body, because without it I couldn’t walk outside in nature and have that relaxing moment. Maybe those are little actions that you can try to take too. To take at least a short moment in your day to reconnect to your body in a positive way.

I still have difficulty with the way I look and also with understanding why people would care. Because I don’t love me, so why would someone else care even the slightest?

Because those who love you will see you beyond your appearance. It doesn’t matter how you look. Even if it matters to you, for reasons that are perfectly valid and understandable, it is not the same for those who care about you, just because they are not living in your body.

If you are loved, it’s because of who you are, as a person. When you think this way, maybe try to reverse your perspective. If you have a friend who is dear to your heart, would you love them less if they are overweight or skinny? I’m pretty sure your love isn’t gonna change, as it doesn’t depend on how they look nor their weight. What you would just wish for them is to be happy and to have a fulfilling life. The same applies to you. :wink:

There are days that I feel okay, and then someone gives me a compliment and I just know that it’s not true! I’m not that great person that they think I am. I’m not that talented! I’m not the person they think I am… I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m really not…

There is often a difference between how you see yourself and how others perceive you. Especially when you struggle with self-doubts or self-confidence. It’s difficult to feel like you are not worth a compliment, like you’re an impostor and you’re not seen as you are truly. I can understand that. I recall some discussions I had before with some people when I actually spent so much time to try to convince them that I was worthless… but it’s pointless. If you are loved, you are loved. And as long as you didn’t lie about who you are, as long as you didn’t acted in a way that is not you… how that love could be based on a lie?

Problem is that we often mistake our feelings and reality. It’s hard to know ourselves. But when you know that someone actually love you, when you’ve been shown that… they’re still here, talking to you, being interested by you, your life, how you feel… then you also have to learn to make a move and trust them. It’s a risk. It’s scary. It’s a step that goes against aaaalll the things we’ve been telling about ourselves before… but it’s worth it. 100%. And when you’re afraid to take that step, then ask yourself something: does avoiding it has been good to you until now? Was that helpful to not give a try to actually… believe in yourself?

I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy of course. It takes time and patience, and it requires healthy and safe relationships. But it’s possible. You sound to be full of negative opinions about yourself. And it sounds that it’s been the same for a very long time. Then what about giving a try to a different strategy? A more positive one. Take your time. Do it progressively, at your own pace.

Thank you so much for your response and my apologies for my late response to this.
I will try this, although I do have to say that I’m already scared of the voice in my head that probably will be like “no you’re not” or “you know you’re lying to yourself”… but maybe it will shut up after a while… maybe…

That’s an awesome strength that you have. You see? You already know that this little voice is going to say that kind of things… You know that. You expect that. So you can prepare yourself to face it. To be able to say, when it happens: “oh yea I recognize that voice… I’m not really surprised though, it’s just a natural mechanism and it doesn’t mean a lot”. You’ll be able not to let yourself drown by it.

I believe in you. Hold fast. :heart:

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