I’d be lying if I said everything was okay lately. But I’m just keeping everything to myself more and more. It’s draining me mentally and emotionally, but I feel like I’m annoying everyone if I reach out. At this point, I’m just sitting and stewing in how I feel.
I’m struggling to sleep, and just end up sitting here either crying or holding onto my arms/wrists as an attempt to not sink into wanting to harm. I feel overwhelmed by everything. Like, on Tuesday, my fish of over 8 years passed, and I had to babysit, and then my elderly dog was ill whilst I was babysitting. And the kid I was babysitting kept saying my dog should be dead.
I was forced to sit and allow this to be said to just prevent the kid kicking off and throwing a tantrum.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, my mind is all over the place.
Guess I just want to know I’m not annoying anyone. But the only person I feel safe reaching out to anymore is my boyfriend. And even then, I have to ask for reassurance that I’m okay and I’m not bothering him.
I don’t want to feel like I’m being dependent on people. I just want to be okay. I want the thoughts of wanting to kill myself to go away.
Listen. Reaching out isn’t annoying. If people find it “annoying” than they are just not taking YOU seriously, but they should be. I am going to be sending prayers for your dog. And I’m mad that any kid would ever say that someone innocent who is alive “should be dead.”
Your feelings and thougts are valid!!
Hey love,
You’re absolutely not annoying and I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like reaching out is too difficult lately. I’m really proud of you for taming your fears, this feeling of being a burden as well, and for sharing your heart here. You know you always have a safety net right here, especially when people in your life are not available or ready to listen. You’re never a burden for going through a rough time. We all do from time to time, and especially in the context of a pandemic that impacts everyone. It’s okay to reach out, it’s okay to say that you’re not okay. You’re not disappointing or failing anyone. On the contrary, allowing yourself to be vulnerable while you feel unsafe is a deep mark of strength.
I’m so sorry for your fish, friend, and I hope your dog feels a little better since you posted. I can only imagine how stressful it was for you to worry about him while you had to babysit. What this kid said was awful, but you had a very good response by not reacting. It sounds that he just tried to push your buttons and test your limits, which you definitely don’t need to nourish. I know it’s not always easy to do that, but you can try to create a mental barrier whenever this kid says mean things to you. What he says is pointless, especially if it’s only in order to test you in one way or another. Those words don’t deserve your energy. Easier said than done, I know, but the more you’ll try to distinguish what’s worth your time/energy and what isn’t, the stronger you’ll feel in the long run. <3
It’s also okay if you need to be reassured sometimes. We all need to hear that what we’re going through is valid and we’re not going crazy. We all need others to remind us some fundamental truths, especially when it feels like we’re drowning. I’m also often afraid to be dependent on people, which actually results in me being overly independent and not reaching out enough. When we’re afraid of something, we’re more likely to create walls and isolate ourselves. But loneliness is not where you belong, friend. You know there’s a huge amount of love available for you here. It’s okay to use the resources that are at your disposal, every time you need it. You are so, so loved.
If things get really dark sometimes, please keep in mind that people who love you will always feel honored to support you, and always proud of you for reaching out. <3
I’m sending a huge amount of hugs your way. 
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