Not getting better

[wolfdog]

Previous Post:
So I’m in college and Ive been working extremely hard (long nights, drowning in caffeine, etc…). Its really killing me because its something I care about a lot and I just bombed a test so it all really hit me. I’m trying so hard and it feels like its not even working. I feel embarrassed because I see everybody and they seem to be fine in the class and then there is me probably going to fail. I have never believed in quitting but I’m honestly thinking that its for the best.

I have never felt lonely in my life. But for the first time I felt lonely yesterday. I have no friends. I have my family and that’s great but they don’t provide the same thing friends would. I have always put my feelings to the side because they don’t matter (at least in my opinion). I don’t have any excitement anymore, I’m tired both mentally and physically, I don’t enjoy anything really anymore. Just want to lay in my bed and hope everything just stops for 5 minutes.

Its weird. I use to wonder why people cut themselves but now I see. Its a form of temporary relief. I just this feeling to go away. I don’t know what to do. I have to do school today. But I can’t even bring myself to do it because like whats the point if Im just going to fucking fail anyways.

New Post:
Its been a week and I still don’t feel any better. I feel like I’m getting worse if anything. I have no friends, no love life, I only have my mom, my dog, and my bed. I’m a first generation college student so I have no one to lean on in that area. I’m just done. Its getting harder to want to keep trying. I tried giving it some time to see if it would become better but it just keeps getting worse no matter how hard I try. I don’t even know how to make friends, talk to anyone, I’m extremely behind socially. I think I just need to give up. There isn’t any hope for me. I goofed off from through 1-12th grade and its utterly fucked me ever since. Only thing I had going for me is school and I don’t even have the damn energy to do that anymore. IM DONE.

[Micro]

Hey @wolfdog,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I hear you, friend. And this exhaustion that you feel right now is very understandable. College is, objectively, really tough and I can only imagine how it’s been for you during a pandemic. It’s hard to find any motivation when we’re at the edge of a burn-out.

It sounds that, right now, you need some rest, friend, because it’s starting to affect your thoughts in a way that could be very damaging. You are not beyond hope. Things are probably very intense for you right now, but you’ll manage to find some clarity through all of this. One step at a time.

I don’t even know how to make friends, talk to anyone, I’m extremely behind socially.

Meeting new people, creating new friendships, is not easy in the context of a pandemic. And even without this, college can be pretty wild at first. There’s not the same level of closeness with others that we’ve known at school before. Students are asked to be very independent suddenly. If you struggle a bit with self-confidence, if you tend to be shy, then this environment can be pretty intimidating. That doesn’t mean something would be wrong with you. It’s just a work in progress. Something to learn, at your own pace. Socializing is all about learning and jumping a bit into the unknown, even if it feels uncomfortable.

Are there any groups or activities that you could join in your living area or your college? Or even eventually groups of students to help you all learn and do your homework? It might not be easy to find that kind of group during the lockdown, but it could be worth it to see if there’s anything, even if it’s only virtual at the moment.

If there’s a facebook group (or on any other social platform) for your first generation college students, then it would be probably a good place to start. Just openly asking a question to the group, seeing if there’s any activity organized, or anyone willing to connect with you so you could keep each other accountable during your studies. When we struggle, we often see others as if they’re very happy and have it all together, but there’s always people who rarely show up unless we invite them to. I’m pretty sure you’re not alone to feel how you feel right now.

So I’m in college and Ive been working extremely hard (long nights, drowning in caffeine, etc…).

You’ve acknowledged something important that’s probably affecting you a lot, so something that will have to change too. College is very demanding, but there is a need there for healthier habits to be built, progressively. You need a good sleep, maybe even eventually cutting off caffeine temporarily, or reducing your daily consumption. Eating, sleeping, exercising a bit are essential needs that you need to prioritize. When those needs are fulfilled, it gives you the fuel you need to face some tough obstacles as the ones you’re dealing with right now.

As the saying goes, we can’t pour from an empty cup. Maybe trying to organize your days a bit differently, progressively, could be a good start to recreate some balance in your life right now. You deserve to take care of yourself, without having to give up on everything. But it takes some adjustments and a fair observation of what’s not working right now. This post that you shared, this rew expression of your heart is the signal that something has to be changed. But you are not stuck, friend.

In any case, please make sure that you, your well-being, are your very first priority right now. You’re not a failure. You’re going through a rough time and you deserve to take care of yourself.