So I’m in college and Ive been working extremely hard (long nights, drowning in caffeine, etc…). Its really killing me because its something I care about a lot and I just bombed a test so it all really hit me. I’m trying so hard and it feels like its not even working. I feel embarrassed because I see everybody and they seem to be fine in the class and then there is me probably going to fail. I have never believed in quitting but I’m honestly thinking that its for the best.
I have never felt lonely in my life. But for the first time I felt lonely yesterday. I have no friends. I have my family and that’s great but they don’t provide the same thing friends would. I have always put my feelings to the side because they don’t matter (at least in my opinion). I don’t have any excitement anymore, I’m tired both mentally and physically, I don’t enjoy anything really anymore. Just want to lay in my bed and hope everything just stops for 5 minutes.
Its weird. I use to wonder why people cut themselves but now I see. Its a form of temporary relief. I just this feeling to go away. I don’t know what to do. I have to do school today. But I can’t even bring myself to do it because like whats the point if Im just going to fucking fail anyways.
Its been a week and I still don’t feel any better. I feel like I’m getting worse if anything. I have no friends, no love life, I only have my mom, my dog, and my bed. I’m a first generation college student so I have no one to lean on in that area. I’m just done. Its getting harder to want to keep trying. I tried giving it some time to see if it would become better but it just keeps getting worse no matter how hard I try. I don’t even know how to make friends, talk to anyone, I’m extremely behind socially. I think I just need to give up. There isn’t any hope for me. I goofed off from through 1-12th grade and its utterly fucked me ever since. Only thing I had going for me is school and I don’t even have the damn energy to do that anymore. IM DONE.